Question about grandparents

[Anonymous]

My mom will compliment me sometimes but if she's with us she will pick me apart.

Why is she eating that? I think she needs a nap (no where close to nap time). You need to read to her more. You need to practice walking with her more.

Blah blah blah. I love my mom but I also know I'm raising my dd better than she raised me.

[Anonymous]

I have a 4 year old DD who can be a handful. Yes, my parents frequently tell me I am doing a good job as a parent. My in-laws don't say it, but they don't criticize our parenting or DD (they are into alternative diets and attribute all behavioral issues to our allowing food dye in the house, so that's annoying). Both sets of grandparents have a lot of really positive things to say about DD, and they say them to us and also to DD's face.

Good for you, for standing up for your kid. Keep it up. Don't let your mother say any of this in front of DD -- if she does, be sure to defend DD in her hearing, and then shut it down privately. You can end the visit if she's going to criticize your daughter to her face, call her shy, etc.

[Anonymous]

My mom is exactly like this OP- it's very challenging, and Frankly annoying. She has never once said I am doing a good job raising my girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom will compliment me sometimes but if she's with us she will pick me apart.

Why is she eating that? I think she needs a nap (no where close to nap time). You need to read to her more. You need to practice walking with her more.

Blah blah blah. I love my mom but I also know I'm raising my dd better than she raised me.

Do we have the same mother?

[Anonymous]

DH, DS (2 yo), and I have a VERY different lifestyle than either set of grandparents: we live in a small 2 bed condo in the city, we both work, and DS goes to an in-home daycare. I get comments from my mom (SAHM) about how hard it must be. MIL worked through her kids' school years, so she gets it.

HOWEVER, my mom and dad just "nannied" while our daycare was closed last week, and at the end of the week my mom explicitly said to me and my husband that "we're doing a great job" and "my grandson is so smart, you must be doing something right." This made me feel SO SO SO good, especially becuase most of my conversations with my mom are about how we live too far away, we don't have enough space in our house, and how it must be so hard to be working parents in a city where we have no relatives. (We don't feel like it's so hard except for the regular travel to visit grandparents )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. She likes to point out that when I was a child she told me not to do something once, and I never did it again. They also spanked us.

OMG, we recently vacationed with my parents; dad got drunk and went on a long rant in support of spanking. I was absolutely terrified of him as a child (though, I was well-mannered). I will never hit my child.

My mom says that my DD is so much harder to parent than I ever was, I never gave them any trouble or threw any tantrums. She also says I never cost them a dime after I turned 18, even though they paid for my college and my wedding. Selective memory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your parents ever tell you that you are doing a good job raising your children?

Background: My mom is visiting and (as usual) is criticizing everything about my 4 yo DD. According to my mom, DD is too clingy to me, too whiney, doesn't eat healthily enough, etc. My mom is on her case constantly, trying to correct these perceived flaws. I do my best to stand up for DD - she is a good kid. She can have challenging moments, but nothing too crazy - she is funny, sweet, and smart. Her biggest issues are that she is shy ( and therefore sticks close to me in uncomfortable situations), has a limited diet (we have been close to food therapy, but never got started with that because she continues to pick up new foods), and has been staying up a little too late this summer (and is therefore tired and prone to whining by the end of the day). While reflecting on this, it occurred to me that my parents have never told me that I am doing a good job with DD. do other parents do this? Perhaps I am strange to feel sad that my parents don't think I am raising DD well? I will survive, but am just wondering what is normal.

I'm sorry your mom is being so critical during her visit. This probably contributes to your DD's shyness around grandma, which is perfectly normal for most kids at her age. Have you talk to your mom about how you feel about her comments? She might not even be aware how it affects you. Sadly, some grandparents are always critical and not exclusively of the grandchildren of parents only, but of most everyone, it seems to be their nature. You're doing great mama, keep up the awesome job you're doing with your DD, your mom did too with you. Remember, grandma is only visiting. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My mother is really mean. It took me a lot to come to this. She has nothing nice to say. I use her as a litmus test in terms of how I want to be in the world

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your parents ever tell you that you are doing a good job raising your children?

Background: My mom is visiting and (as usual) is criticizing everything about my 4 yo DD. According to my mom, DD is too clingy to me, too whiney, doesn't eat healthily enough, etc. My mom is on her case constantly, trying to correct these perceived flaws. I do my best to stand up for DD - she is a good kid. She can have challenging moments, but nothing too crazy - she is funny, sweet, and smart. Her biggest issues are that she is shy ( and therefore sticks close to me in uncomfortable situations), has a limited diet (we have been close to food therapy, but never got started with that because she continues to pick up new foods), and has been staying up a little too late this summer (and is therefore tired and prone to whining by the end of the day). While reflecting on this, it occurred to me that my parents have never told me that I am doing a good job with DD. do other parents do this? Perhaps I am strange to feel sad that my parents don't think I am raising DD well? I will survive, but am just wondering what is normal.

These observations seem to be true, by your own accord.
Is your mom trying to start and open conversation with you about these issues? Does she provide any data or research that demonstrate her concern and attempts at helping you find solutions?

What would you do if you were Grandma in this situation? Do nothing, say something more light like, "how can we help DD along," or point out the dependency/attachment/lack of confidence and dietary issues? How diplomat does family have to be?

[Anonymous]

Eastern European pp here. I am actually from former Yugoslavia and thought it was more Slavic thing this negativity and it is, imo, but I am from area that was Austro-Hungarian Empire, so I wonder if German/Austrian influence plays a part in it? Or it could be just the personalities. Once I asked my mom how come she never says anything nice about me and raising my kids, and she said that why would she talk about things I am doing right, that is useless, but that it is her duty to correct the wrongs. I love my mom, but she is a difficult woman for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eastern European pp here. I am actually from former Yugoslavia and thought it was more Slavic thing this negativity and it is, imo, but I am from area that was Austro-Hungarian Empire, so I wonder if German/Austrian influence plays a part in it? Or it could be just the personalities. Once I asked my mom how come she never says anything nice about me and raising my kids, and she said that why would she talk about things I am doing right, that is useless, but that it is her duty to correct the wrongs. I love my mom, but she is a difficult woman for sure.

I absolutely don't think this is reserved for Eastern Europeans! Have you met other grandmas? Ours are both of Italian descent and constantly criticizing. My friends' parents all have the same problems and they are from all over the world. The worst I've ever heard was my friend's MIL from China. Not only is it constant criticism, but it gets into physical fighting! This problem is absolutely universal. I know so many recent immigrants from India and China that have told me horror stories about their parents and in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Yes my dad always said what wonderful kids we have and how we are doing a great job. My MIL was surprised at how intelligent they were (??) and my mother has been critical but generally stays out of it and makes approving noises.