More drama w/ alcoholic BIL

[Anonymous]

I have posted in the past about DH's alcoholic BIL and guess I am back to vent. BIL has fallen off the wagon once again - this is the 5th time in 2 years he has needed serious medical intervention/hospitalization and DH is expected once again to step up and handle it all as his parents are worthless and just try to micro-manage from afar. The same thing happens every time - BIL goes MIA for a week or two, parents get worried about him and start asking DH to investigate what is going on and if BIL is drinking again. Turns out he is and is a total wreck, DH has to try to convince his brother to go to the hospital to sober up since he can't deal with the withdrawal on his own (it nearly killed him last time). BIL ends up in the hospital, and then DH goes to be with him day in and day out so he isn't alone, while ungrateful BIL complains about how horrible the hospital is and how he doesn't have a problem. DH has missed tons of work, including a couple very important meetings. He has missed numerous events for our kids dealing with this BS too.

My concern here is for my DH - it's giving him major anxiety and stress to deal with this on his own. It's heartbreaking and nearly impossible for him to manage BIL when he is like this, and so unbelievably unfair of his parents not to help other than to bark orders at DH. They need to get to DC to deal with this - they don't have anything preventing them other than fear. DH is seriously terrified that BIL is going to die without help so he can't not help him... which in turn means he is constantly enabling him.

What can I do here to help DH? This is all such a hot mess and I am trying to be as supportive as possible, but I am furious this all falls on him every single time.

[Anonymous]

Were you aware that someone going through alcoholic detox can die from withdrawal symptoms without proper medical care?

If you weren't, now you know. Your husband is missing work but at least your BIL didn't die curled up on the floor by himself.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, he needs to say no. Boundaries. This isn't his fight to fight. He's enabling. Let the brother do his thing. Will Jen the hardest thing he ever has to do.

[Anonymous]

He needs treatment. Hospitals just detox abd release.

http://www.kolmac.com/

They do detox and treatment and offer support for families. The minimum length of treatment is six weeks. According to the surgeon general's report last year, most are at risk for relapse for a year and half to two years. Kolmac offers continuing care that lasts that long. And they take insurance.

[Anonymous]

Your husband (and you, maybe) need to look at the Al-Anon program or AA for family members. It can be very helpful for managing your own emotions and to help you realize that you can do nothing to help your BIL until he decides to do it himself. Right now self-care for you and your husband is very important.

You mention your husband's work. As hard as it may be, your husband may need to decide that his work (which helps sustain his wife and family) is more important than helping his brother who is self-destructing. Programs for family members may help your brother come to terms with what he has the power to do and what only his brother has the power to do.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, yes we were aware. Which is why DH continues to help him. What I don't understand is how you just sit by and do this over and over and over again. It will never end because BIL doesn't think he has a problem, and DH always comes to his rescue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband (and you, maybe) need to look at the Al-Anon program or AA for family members. It can be very helpful for managing your own emotions and to help you realize that you can do nothing to help your BIL until he decides to do it himself. Right now self-care for you and your husband is very important.

You mention your husband's work. As hard as it may be, your husband may need to decide that his work (which helps sustain his wife and family) is more important than helping his brother who is self-destructing. Programs for family members may help your brother come to terms with what he has the power to do and what only his brother has the power to do.

Thanks, I will suggest this to DH. Sounds like it could help. I have suggested that he find someone to talk to to help deal with this but he claims he doesn't have the time.

BIL refuses treatment on any kind. As a PP above mentioned, he just gets sober in the hospital, tells the psych person he will see a therapist and then gets discharged. Hen we wait until it happens again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, yes we were aware. Which is why DH continues to help him. What I don't understand is how you just sit by and do this over and over and over again. It will never end because BIL doesn't think he has a problem, and DH always comes to his rescue.

Yeah, it is why it is called tough love. It is really, really tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband (and you, maybe) need to look at the Al-Anon program or AA for family members. It can be very helpful for managing your own emotions and to help you realize that you can do nothing to help your BIL until he decides to do it himself. Right now self-care for you and your husband is very important.

You mention your husband's work. As hard as it may be, your husband may need to decide that his work (which helps sustain his wife and family) is more important than helping his brother who is self-destructing. Programs for family members may help your brother come to terms with what he has the power to do and what only his brother has the power to do.

Thanks, I will suggest this to DH. Sounds like it could help. I have suggested that he find someone to talk to to help deal with this but he claims he doesn't have the time.

BIL refuses treatment on any kind. As a PP above mentioned, he just gets sober in the hospital, tells the psych person he will see a therapist and then gets discharged. Hen we wait until it happens again.

The wonderful thing about AA and Al-Anon program is that there are meetings literally all the time. Even going to an AA meeting as the brother of an alcoholic can be helpful if your husband cannot make time for regularly scheduled appointments with a therapist. His role as an enabler really isn't helping his brother as hard as it may be for him to realize.

[Anonymous]

Why aren't DH's parents involved? Having it all fall on your husband is ridiculous and really crappy of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't DH's parents involved? Having it all fall on your husband is ridiculous and really crappy of them.

OP here. This is exactly my issue. His parents are doing nothing and have put the entire burden on DH. His parents are retired and in good health. They are currently at their vacation home with friends and told DH that he can handle this just as well as they could, so there is probably no point in them coming down. Seriously WTF.

[Anonymous]

Al anon. It's the only answer. Go.

[Anonymous]

I somewhat sympathize...but quite frankly you all devote your lives 24/7 to your kids. Do you really expect yourselves or your own parents to do that for 50+ years? 18-21 years is enough imho but to each their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband (and you, maybe) need to look at the Al-Anon program or AA for family members. It can be very helpful for managing your own emotions and to help you realize that you can do nothing to help your BIL until he decides to do it himself. Right now self-care for you and your husband is very important.

You mention your husband's work. As hard as it may be, your husband may need to decide that his work (which helps sustain his wife and family) is more important than helping his brother who is self-destructing. Programs for family members may help your brother come to terms with what he has the power to do and what only his brother has the power to do.

Thanks, I will suggest this to DH. Sounds like it could help. I have suggested that he find someone to talk to to help deal with this but he claims he doesn't have the time.

BIL refuses treatment on any kind. As a PP above mentioned, he just gets sober in the hospital, tells the psych person he will see a therapist and then gets discharged. Hen we wait until it happens again.

The wonderful thing about AA and Al-Anon program is that there are meetings literally all the time. Even going to an AA meeting as the brother of an alcoholic can be helpful if your husband cannot make time for regularly scheduled appointments with a therapist. His role as an enabler really isn't helping his brother as hard as it may be for him to realize.

Al Anon will help your husband if he chooses to go and receive the help. It will also help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband (and you, maybe) need to look at the Al-Anon program or AA for family members. It can be very helpful for managing your own emotions and to help you realize that you can do nothing to help your BIL until he decides to do it himself. Right now self-care for you and your husband is very important.

You mention your husband's work. As hard as it may be, your husband may need to decide that his work (which helps sustain his wife and family) is more important than helping his brother who is self-destructing. Programs for family members may help your brother come to terms with what he has the power to do and what only his brother has the power to do.

Thanks, I will suggest this to DH. Sounds like it could help. I have suggested that he find someone to talk to to help deal with this but he claims he doesn't have the time.

BIL refuses treatment on any kind. As a PP above mentioned, he just gets sober in the hospital, tells the psych person he will see a therapist and then gets discharged. Hen we wait until it happens again.

The wonderful thing about AA and Al-Anon program is that there are meetings literally all the time. Even going to an AA meeting as the brother of an alcoholic can be helpful if your husband cannot make time for regularly scheduled appointments with a therapist. His role as an enabler really isn't helping his brother as hard as it may be for him to realize.

Al Anon will help your husband if he chooses to go and receive the help. It will also help you.

Al-Anon, not AA, is the appropriate place for relatives of alcoholics to get help (someone above mentioned your DH. Going to an AA meeting but it's Al-Anon he, and you and the in-laws, need). Please give it a try, especially DH. As PP notes, there are meetings at all times of day and evenings. Al-anon will let DH see how others in his situation have handled it--mistakes they've made and positive steps they've found as well. No one can guide him like those who have been in his shoes. Please go online yourself today and find a list of meetings to show your husband the options. Go with him yourself. BIL's disease is also crushing your DH and their parents aren't helping....You have to be the one to prioritize DH's mental health because his parents aren't, he isn't, and BIL can't. Please update us when you can.