Do you find it amusing to talk to your new mom-to-be friends?

[Anonymous]

I don't want to sound superior and all knowing just because I've been through labor and have a toddler. I am neither of those things, believe me I know.

But, I have a dear friend who is A LOT like me in that she made pregnancy a project and like many of us, has all the best laid plans and is obsessed with achieving a natural, drug free childbirth.

Now, I was in her same boat just a couple years ago so I know how it is - I researched cloth diapers thinking I would never wrap my baby in plastic (HAH! Even that went out the window after about 15 minutes on the internet) and was going to do all organic blankets, make ALL my own baby food (my baby would not eat food from a jar!), breast feed exclusively for a year...etc. And I sure as HELL was not going to get an epidural. Hell no. No way.

Well, the organic blankets are boring and the regular old cotton ones have adorable ladybugs etc. so that flew out the window. I did breast feed for almost 9 months but couldn't make it the year, and gave up EBF after about 6.5 months. My baby has eaten food from a jar and lived to tell the tale. And, hell yes, I got the epidural. I tried, I really did, but I got it, it was fine, I had a super easy labor and my healthy, beautiful baby girl came out after about 30 minutes of pushing. I healed great, and never looked back.

Every new mom deserves that special first pregnancy bliss period, when it is just you and DH getting ready for baby. It will never be like that again. And my dear friend who is due next month TOTALLY deserves it all too. But it is sooo funny to hear her go on about the natural childbirth. And the thing is, she has a great chance of doing it. She is giving birth in a hospital, but she does have a doula, she's talked to her OB about her birth plan (though the dr. is like most, slightly resistant to it and educating her on the need for certain medical interventions - and I'm not going to get an argument about whether these are necessary - just pointing out that many traditional OBs feel the same way). She's taking classes, reading, etc. And she's fit and healthy. So she will probably do it.

And I hope she does. But it's just hilarious because I want to say, (but I definitely don't say), once you get that healthy baby in your arms you will not have cared how he/she got there!

Anyway, just wondering if anyone else can share in the humor of a new mom to be?

[Anonymous]

Oh definitely! I find it totally amusing to hear about all the organic everything, no epidurals, how they are going to have sex with their husbands in the hospital, how they are going to be back at the gym the day after they leave the hospital, etc. The only thing I ever say is something to the effect of leave room for the possibility that it won't be exactly like you planned. I have a 7 year old so I also find people with toddlers amusing too. One of my friends is STRUGGLING through year 2 and doing a lot of complaining about the "terrible twos." I so don't have the heart to tell her that three is SO much worse than two and that I, and every mom of elementary school age children I know, did not stop wanting to stab out our eyes until age 3.5 to 4.

[Anonymous]

It's nice to feel so smug, isn't it?

[Anonymous]

Hey, it just keeps going. My kid is now seven and going into second grade. I would never ever ever say anything out loud to my friends with younger kids who are pretty sure they know exactly how things will turn out, but yes. I get you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's nice to feel so smug, isn't it?

Definitely not smug, at least for me - just funny, especially because I was the same way when I was pregnant, as I tried to emphasize in my original post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's nice to feel so smug, isn't it?

not smug - just being practical by being able to accept the good with the bad

Not all new mothers, however, are that clueless. I've know quite a few who took hand-me-downs, shunned at the thought of sex so so soon, didn't cringe at the mention of formula, and wanted nothing more than to cross off the days until they were able to return to work!

[Anonymous]

I thought I would bf for at least a year and went into depression when I had to give it up at 3 months bc my baby was losing weight bc he was always hungry and needed formula to have thrive - when I saw how happy and plump he got on formula and I felt like a failure that I couldnt do that for him myself for a longer period of time.

I thought I would puree all my baby food since I love to cook and that got thrown out the window when my son threw up my food and when we had to be out and about or on vacation in a hotel and I saw how much he loved the jarred food and the convenience was priceless to me.

I thought I wouldnt do the vaccines that ppl say cause autism - until my pediatrician made feel like a little ant when I even brought up the subject.

But the beauty of it all is that no one bursted my bubble and everyone around me tried to support me and my goals and I had to learn on my own that every baby is different and things are not always as easy as they seem. Baby #2.....well lets just say that I had no expectations therefore no disappointments.

[Anonymous]

I know what you mean, and I definitely understand the tone of your post -- not smug -- more just amused by the reminder of your less aware, pre-baby self. Isn't it funny how there are so many things we just need to learn for ourselves?

FWIW, I try hard to be supportive the way some of my wonderful friends were with me. Rather than bursting bubbles, I try to limit myself to things like, "That sounds great -- I know everything's going to work out really well. I can't wait to meet your baby!"

And thanks to the PPs who noted that this phenomenon continues right up the line. I'm probably now the toddler-mom equivalent of the new-mom for some of my friends with kids a year or two ahead. Too funny!!

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom-to-be and don't think it's smug necessarily, and the OP didn't come off that way to me. No different than looking at today's teenagers and saying "ah wait, you will understand once you're grown up."

But, don't dash our naivete! If we don't come across as arrogant know-it-all's, let me have my fantasy's of a perfect newborn who sleeps through the night, never gets sick, EBF until I'm ready to feed him homegrown organic vegetables that I raised myself.

[Anonymous]

I was in line waiting for one of those consignment sales - and was standing behind two pregnant women. I had to keep from laughing when I overhead their conversation. They were going on and on smugly about how they were going to raise their children, and the conversation was just peppered with criticisms of other moms (that already had kids). I had to bite my tongue from interrupting them and saying "just wait....just wait..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom-to-be and don't think it's smug necessarily, and the OP didn't come off that way to me. No different than looking at today's teenagers and saying "ah wait, you will understand once you're grown up."

But, don't dash our naivete! If we don't come across as arrogant know-it-all's, let me have my fantasy's of a perfect newborn who sleeps through the night, never gets sick, EBF until I'm ready to feed him homegrown organic vegetables that I raised myself.

I would never in a million years. It's a lovely place to be, and even if reality doesn't bear out that way, you are allowed to imagine the future however you want. Enjoy.

[Anonymous]

I never had any delusions about getting a full night's sleep. Never planned on making my own baby food or using cloth diapers. I hoped to nurse but put DD on formula without a second thought when my supply dropped. I took all the hand me downs anyone had to offer but I did want to have MY experience. I wanted to be able to experience buying baby stuff, being confused about matching size with season, how much of this or that to buy, etc. I will agree that it is funny to hear people make plans as if they are completely forgetting about the baby. This little person, with a personality all his/her own will call the shots. They will decide what outfits you dress them in, will spit up or have poopy blow outs. You might then decide that putting them in $50 designer outfits was not such a good idea after all. They will determine how long they breastfeed if they even do. I think we get so busy planning for everything to be so perfect that we underestimate how much of a say this little baby has. I don't say anything to my friends when they talk about their plans. Finding all of this stuff out is part of their experience and who knows, they may know more and do it better than I did so I don't think I'm the expert just because I happened to get pregant before them.

One thing I notice is how welcoming veterans are to new parents. It's nice to have someone come up to you and tell you that they experienced the exact same thing and came out of it alive! Of course, before the baby is born, nobody wants to hear your stories or advice.

[Anonymous]

I too was a better parent before I had children of my own, but all of the items that the OP rattles off in her list - natural birth, BF for over a year, cloth diapers, homemade baby food - were items that others poo-pooed that I would never stick with. "Oh, you'll be screaming for the anesthesiologist in no time, sweetie!" But you know what -- I did it! And it wasn't as terrible as people told me it would be.

Don't project your own biases onto your friends. Maybe they will have a hard time breastfeeding, maybe not. But what they definitely don't need is smug, "I told you so's" from people who have been through it before.

[Anonymous]

Neither I nor any of my friends planned to be some kind of superparent baby wearing organic cooking lost all of the wait in a week got it all right perfect-o-rama babe, so I don't think that any of us was particularly smug before or after.

This might be unusual for the area, but my three best friends and I had all been very active and experienced babysitters before having our own kids and had zero illusions. Our sense of parenting was probably also formed by 80s standards, not wonder mommy with $1000 stroller standards. So I think that we were all pretty chill and all pretty clear that we'd have poop on us and not even notice anymore.

[Anonymous]

You could say this about anything in life once you gain experience and look back. Hindsight is great, eh?

So yes, yes you do sound smug. Or if anything, trying to perk yourself up for the parenting job you're doing rather than feel bad you didn't meet your own initial goals and maybe you're friend will meet them instead.

Don't worry about. Don't worry about your friends either. You're both doing a good job.