Grandparents forgot birthday

[Anonymous]

My in-laws forgot DS' 4th birthday this weekend. They live 500+ miles away and we typically see them 4-5 times a year, but our relationship is definitely treated differently as DH's brother and sister still live in their hometown and she sees their children regularly. This is very par for the course with them as they just don't seem to care and maybe harbor some resentment that we don't live close to them, but I don't think it's fair to DS. We had a party on Sunday and he even asked why they didn't facetime with him. We made up an excuse that it was a busy day and we would this coming weekend, but he seemed confused as they didn't even send a card. DH spoke to MIL on Monday and she didn't even mention his birthday until DH talked about the party over the weekend and as usual she was very nonchalant about forgetting.

Am I overreacting? There's always been some tension there, but when it starts to involve the kids, I don't think it's right. I felt like DH should have at least told them it's hurtful to both us and DS that they didn't reach out on his birthday and that they forgot completely. Should I just let it go? I just feel like we give them a pass constantly on their behavior, but in my family when feelings are hurt, we speak up about it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are OVERREACTING.

[Anonymous]

You know, I'm betting my five year old wouldn't think to ask why she didn't do FT with grandma on her birthday or get a card because she'd be too busy having fun, not dwelling on a perceived slight. Perhaps your DS is getting a little outside influence because you're the one offended?

[Anonymous]

Why didn't you call so ds could talk to them? If it's important to you that they participate in ds's birthday, you need to facilitate that. Don't set up an unspoken expectation, then pout when they don't meet it.

[Anonymous]

I would be annoyed if a grandparent forgot a birthday.

However, now you know they do and will. From here on out don't mention it. Maybe dh could mention "hey, ds would have liked to hear from you." Going forward though don't make it any more of a thing than they do.

[Anonymous]

Totally overreacting

[Anonymous]

Let DH handle it--and also adjust your expectations accordingly after this incident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you call so ds could talk to them? If it's important to you that they participate in ds's birthday, you need to facilitate that. Don't set up an unspoken expectation, then pout when they don't meet it.

+1 My mom does this. It drives me crazy. You can make the call. It won't be any less special for the kid.

[Anonymous]

I always send the grandparents an invite to the birthday party. Even if they live far away and aren't coming. Just so they feel included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you call so ds could talk to them? If it's important to you that they participate in ds's birthday, you need to facilitate that. Don't set up an unspoken expectation, then pout when they don't meet it.

+2 I have relatives that expect everyone to live by a social code that exists mostly in the 50s and their head and gets all passive-aggressive when someone is "rude". Be direct and facilitate the interactions that you need/want to have. My husband's family doesn't make a big thing of birthdays and will bring cards/gifts on their annual visit that is months after the actual date, and my mother no longer celebrates holidays due to a religious conversion. We don't make a big deal about either, and neither do the kids. They take their cue from your reaction. Don't set the expectation that they should feel slighted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you call so ds could talk to them? If it's important to you that they participate in ds's birthday, you need to facilitate that. Don't set up an unspoken expectation, then pout when they don't meet it.

Anonymous wrote:+1 My mom does this. It drives me crazy. You can make the call. It won't be any less special for the kid.

+2 I have relatives that expect everyone to live by a social code that exists mostly in the 50s and their head and gets all passive-aggressive when someone is "rude". Be direct and facilitate the interactions that you need/want to have. My husband's family doesn't make a big thing of birthdays and will bring cards/gifts on their annual visit that is months after the actual date, and my mother no longer celebrates holidays due to a religious conversion. We don't make a big deal about either, and neither do the kids. They take their cue from your reaction. Don't set the expectation that they should feel slighted.

+3. Did you or your DH remind them about the birthday and/or party ahead of time? Did you try to call/Facetime them and they weren't there? My parents would never think to call, especially if we were having a party that (wouldn't want to "bother" us during such a hectic day).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws forgot DS' 4th birthday this weekend. They live 500+ miles away and we typically see them 4-5 times a year, but our relationship is definitely treated differently as DH's brother and sister still live in their hometown and she sees their children regularly. This is very par for the course with them as they just don't seem to care and maybe harbor some resentment that we don't live close to them, but I don't think it's fair to DS. We had a party on Sunday and he even asked why they didn't facetime with him. We made up an excuse that it was a busy day and we would this coming weekend, but he seemed confused as they didn't even send a card. DH spoke to MIL on Monday and she didn't even mention his birthday until DH talked about the party over the weekend and as usual she was very nonchalant about forgetting.

Am I overreacting? There's always been some tension there, but when it starts to involve the kids, I don't think it's right. I felt like DH should have at least told them it's hurtful to both us and DS that they didn't reach out on his birthday and that they forgot completely. Should I just let it go? I just feel like we give them a pass constantly on their behavior, but in my family when feelings are hurt, we speak up about it.

Another vote for over reacting. Some people need to be reminded. You can call/FaceTime them and say, something's no like" we have a lull in the day and wondered if now is a good time for you to wish Larlo a happy birthday." This way they are saving face and your child gets a happy birthday wish from his grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be annoyed if a grandparent forgot a birthday.

However, now you know they do and will. From here on out don't mention it. Maybe dh could mention "hey, ds would have liked to hear from you." Going forward though don't make it any more of a thing than they do.

And going forward, remind them in advance that your son's birthday is coming up and maybe even arrange a FaceTime appointment.
My feelings would be hurt, but it is what it is. And the more grandkids there are, the more likely kids will get lost in the shuffle.

[Anonymous]

You know, I'm betting my five year old wouldn't think to ask why she didn't do FT with grandma on her birthday or get a card because she'd be too busy having fun, not dwelling on a perceived slight. Perhaps your DS is getting a little outside influence because you're the one offended?

I agree, I have two kids and no way would either of them have thought of this when they were 4 without a suggestion from an adult.

[Anonymous]

Why didn't you call them to initiate the facetime?