Very demanding new job and parenting an 11 yr old

[Anonymous]

I will be starting a very demanding and time consuming new job in August (big law - partner track). My daughter is 11 and a rising sixth grader. My husband can make his own schedule and has always been a very hands-on parent.

Has anyone been there or had a spouse who has done this? I honestly don't know what to expect or how to prepare my daughter.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I do this as a single parent. You will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations! I think it bodes well for your family since you are already thinking about it.

I have never been in your shoes but I would encourage you to put aside time for three things: you (private/quiet time), you and your husband (date night or even date hour), you and your daughter (bake cupcakes, go to get a bagel and coffee, etc). The times don't have to be a lot so think quality not quantity. You will have a lot of demands on your time but make sure you eeck out a little time for the people you love!

Also, get a house cleaning service because you will not want to waste your time cleaning when you could be relaxing.

Good luck in your new job!

[Anonymous]

My job isn't typically too demanding, but I did have a 4 week trial out of town coinciding with my 11 year old's start to middle school. DH was great, but it became clear that DD really needed and wanted more time with me during the beginning of the year as she was navigating the transition. So my advice is to make sure you set aside time where you can be present and available for your child, especially during transition periods.

[Anonymous]

Set aside time each day to talk/FaceTime about her day, if you're getting home late

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations! I think it bodes well for your family since you are already thinking about it.

I have never been in your shoes but I would encourage you to put aside time for three things: you (private/quiet time), you and your husband (date night or even date hour), you and your daughter (bake cupcakes, go to get a bagel and coffee, etc). The times don't have to be a lot so think quality not quantity. You will have a lot of demands on your time but make sure you eeck out a little time for the people you love!

Also, get a house cleaning service because you will not want to waste your time cleaning when you could be relaxing.

Good luck in your new job!

My dad had a demanding job when I was that age. He picked me up from gymnastics on Saturdays at noon, took me to lunch, and then we ran errands together. He never brought along one of my brothers and I knew that was *my* time. He also took me on a trip to New Orleans and Chicago, just the two of us. He passed when I was 24 and I'm so glad we got to do those things.

[Anonymous]

Pp your post made me tear up. So important to create memories with your kids. I am taking my daughter in a trip this summer just her and I and hope to do same thing with her sibling someday.

[Anonymous]

From other BigLaw parents on this board, I have learned that they have to be on call a lot and work tremendously long hours, weekends, etc., BUT when they're not actively in court or out of town, they can take off for part of the day and come back. You might not be able to make every event, and at 11, your daughter is probably hoping you won't, but between you and DH, you ought to be able to get to the important ones.

I would also tell her at the beginning of the year that you both need to give it a month to get the new schedules under your belt, and then you'll sit down with her and talk about realistic things you can do together. It may be that cooking dinner is something you can do, depending on when you eat, or it may be dropping her at school, or it may be strictly weekends.

Put the date on the calendar. If you really want her to feel grown up, have her come to the appointment at your office -- she can see where you work, and you guys can come up with a plan.

[Anonymous]

My tips are:

Make time on the weekends to spend time with your child. My work schedule is much better now, but dd and I still have a standing Saturday lunch date, just the two of us.

Try to make as many school events as possible, even if it's hard. I missed a grand total of one event, and dd still remembers.

Take your dc into the office, so they can see what you do. My dd loved going to work with me, and was (and is) very proud of my accomplishments.

The hardest part will be making time for yourself. I found I was getting very little sleep because the middle of the night was my only time to read and have some quiet time, and I need that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My tips are:

Make time on the weekends to spend time with your child. My work schedule is much better now, but dd and I still have a standing Saturday lunch date, just the two of us.

Try to make as many school events as possible, even if it's hard. I missed a grand total of one event, and dd still remembers.

Take your dc into the office, so they can see what you do. My dd loved going to work with me, and was (and is) very proud of my accomplishments.

The hardest part will be making time for yourself. I found I was getting very little sleep because the middle of the night was my only time to read and have some quiet time, and I need that.

You think your children are "proud of your accomplishments?" As in, the time you spent away from them, racking up points at the office, they feel happy to say "oh, it's OK that mom missed my (fill in the multiple blanks), she is such a big wig at XYZ, so it's all OK because she is so happy and fulfilled?"

You're only kidding yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My tips are:

Make time on the weekends to spend time with your child. My work schedule is much better now, but dd and I still have a standing Saturday lunch date, just the two of us.

Try to make as many school events as possible, even if it's hard. I missed a grand total of one event, and dd still remembers.

Take your dc into the office, so they can see what you do. My dd loved going to work with me, and was (and is) very proud of my accomplishments.

The hardest part will be making time for yourself. I found I was getting very little sleep because the middle of the night was my only time to read and have some quiet time, and I need that.

You think your children are "proud of your accomplishments?" As in, the time you spent away from them, racking up points at the office, they feel happy to say "oh, it's OK that mom missed my (fill in the multiple blanks), she is such a big wig at XYZ, so it's all OK because she is so happy and fulfilled?"

You're only kidding yourself.

NP. You sound a little bitter, PP. Not everyone is like you. I can assure you that my nieces and nephews, whose mother is the epitome of Big Law in her market, are very proud of her and her work. I presume that OP's daughter will be the same because OP sounds like she cares about her daughter and is already thinking ahead to how she will maintain a strong relationship even though she will be gone a lot more with the new job. Good luck, OP. And clearly you're right to be thinking about this as the PP shows! But it sounds like you are on the right track! Go for it!

[Anonymous]

Outsource as much as is absolutely possible, and spend some alone time with your kid. Lots of people seem to be able to focus more on her kid when they're not at home -- lunch dates, shopping dates etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here - and thank you! You have given me some wonderful ideas and a plan! Thank you, again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My tips are:

Make time on the weekends to spend time with your child. My work schedule is much better now, but dd and I still have a standing Saturday lunch date, just the two of us.

Try to make as many school events as possible, even if it's hard. I missed a grand total of one event, and dd still remembers.

Take your dc into the office, so they can see what you do. My dd loved going to work with me, and was (and is) very proud of my accomplishments.

The hardest part will be making time for yourself. I found I was getting very little sleep because the middle of the night was my only time to read and have some quiet time, and I need that.

You think your children are "proud of your accomplishments?" As in, the time you spent away from them, racking up points at the office, they feel happy to say "oh, it's OK that mom missed my (fill in the multiple blanks), she is such a big wig at XYZ, so it's all OK because she is so happy and fulfilled?"

You're only kidding yourself.

I don't feel the need to defend my choices to you. I'm perfectly happy with how my life has worked out, and my dc is very happy, too. I would note that, whatever your choices are, they seem to have left you very angry and defensive. Maybe you should rethink them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My tips are:

Make time on the weekends to spend time with your child. My work schedule is much better now, but dd and I still have a standing Saturday lunch date, just the two of us.

Try to make as many school events as possible, even if it's hard. I missed a grand total of one event, and dd still remembers.

Take your dc into the office, so they can see what you do. My dd loved going to work with me, and was (and is) very proud of my accomplishments.

The hardest part will be making time for yourself. I found I was getting very little sleep because the middle of the night was my only time to read and have some quiet time, and I need that.

You think your children are "proud of your accomplishments?" As in, the time you spent away from them, racking up points at the office, they feel happy to say "oh, it's OK that mom missed my (fill in the multiple blanks), she is such a big wig at XYZ, so it's all OK because she is so happy and fulfilled?"

You're only kidding yourself.

I don't feel the need to defend my choices to you. I'm perfectly happy with how my life has worked out, and my dc is very happy, too. I would note that, whatever your choices are, they seem to have left you very angry and defensive. Maybe you should rethink them?

I too am a working parent, but i think the delivery was harsh, but the message spot on. Call a spade a spade. Life is about give and take and you definitely lose something in return for a big job. your children wont be proud. A job to them is a job.