Parents of 3+ kids, how is there "enough" of you to go around?

[Anonymous]

We have two children and I'd like a third. DH absolutely does not want another, primarily because he doesn't feel like he'd be able to give 3 children the attention he feels he can give two.

So I'm just wondering, if you do have a third (or more), how do you give them enough of your time and attention? Family outings? One on one time with each kid routinely? It would help to know how old your children are and whether either parent stays at home and just how you manage to juggle. I know it won't provide an answer for us and that "enough" is relative, but I'm just looking for perspective. I have only one friend with more than 2 (her third pregnancy ended up to be twins) and she's said its a struggle for her with her children being so close in age and the oldest (around 6 or 7) is frequently waiting for her turn because the littler ones need more attention.

For what its worth, I'm one of four kids and DH has a half sib 7 yrs younger so we have different experiences.

[Anonymous]

We have three, ages 5, 2 and 1. It's not easy but at least at this point, I feel they each get enough attention. The littlest gets attention from the two older kids, as well. One parent stays home, but I think we will both be back to work once youngest is preschool age.

I'd be curious to hear from others who have kids a bit older.

I am in somewhat of a reverse situation of yours - my DH is pushing for baby #4 and I think we are at our limit with 3! LOL.

[Anonymous]

It's not.

[Anonymous]

Each kid necessarily gets less attention. I think that's a good thing, though. It necessarily means that I can't helicopter as much and I have to focus on what's really important.

[Anonymous]

Yes I think we do. However, I will caution you that every child is different and obviously there is no way to tell beforehand what you will get. My oldest is very high energy, emotionally sensitive, and tightly wound. It's somewhat difficult to give him the amount of one on one time he requires with two younger siblings. His emotional needs require careful balancing. He's not technically special needs as he's never received a diagnosis (we did have him evaluated several times) but he's probably in the neighborhood. I always think he is like a hot house flower who can only flourish under certain circumstances.

Anyway, he would have been an ideal only child. But he has two younger siblings, one who was conceived before we knew what type of child he would be and one who was an accident (though we love her dearly).

[Anonymous]

I only have 2 but the main reason we aren't having a third is the attention thing, as you mention. We both work though my job is flexible (can go to all school events, etc) but I think what people don't take into account enough is that IT DEPENDS ON THE KIDS.

My oldest child is extremely emotionally needy. He's a great kid - empathetic, bright, athletic, etc - but he's just always been very emotionally in tune and hates being alone, always wants to be smothered in love, etc.

My younger child is very easygoing. Independent, loves to do his own thing, can entertain himself for hours on end.

I have friends who have 3, but most of them have kids who are much more easygoing than my oldest. As my DH says, if they were all like DS2, we could have 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only have 2 but the main reason we aren't having a third is the attention thing, as you mention. We both work though my job is flexible (can go to all school events, etc) but I think what people don't take into account enough is that IT DEPENDS ON THE KIDS.

My oldest child is extremely emotionally needy. He's a great kid - empathetic, bright, athletic, etc - but he's just always been very emotionally in tune and hates being alone, always wants to be smothered in love, etc.

My younger child is very easygoing. Independent, loves to do his own thing, can entertain himself for hours on end.

I have friends who have 3, but most of them have kids who are much more easygoing than my oldest. As my DH says, if they were all like DS2, we could have 3.

This poster again - my oldest sounds much like the oldest of the poster above.

[Anonymous]

We have 3 kids. We make sure that each child gets one on one time with us. My job is flexible so I am able to stay home with one while the other two are in school/ daycare. I love that one on one time. When one of the parents need to run an errand, we make sure to take one child with us. Outings are easy as a big family. Remember, they also get attention from each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I think we do. However, I will caution you that every child is different and obviously there is no way to tell beforehand what you will get. My oldest is very high energy, emotionally sensitive, and tightly wound. It's somewhat difficult to give him the amount of one on one time he requires with two younger siblings. His emotional needs require careful balancing. He's not technically special needs as he's never received a diagnosis (we did have him evaluated several times) but he's probably in the neighborhood. I always think he is like a hot house flower who can only flourish under certain circumstances.

Anyway, he would have been an ideal only child. But he has two younger siblings, one who was conceived before we knew what type of child he would be and one who was an accident (though we love her dearly).

I am OP and our older child is exactly as you describe which factors into DH's firm stance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only have 2 but the main reason we aren't having a third is the attention thing, as you mention. We both work though my job is flexible (can go to all school events, etc) but I think what people don't take into account enough is that IT DEPENDS ON THE KIDS.

My oldest child is extremely emotionally needy. He's a great kid - empathetic, bright, athletic, etc - but he's just always been very emotionally in tune and hates being alone, always wants to be smothered in love, etc.

My younger child is very easygoing. Independent, loves to do his own thing, can entertain himself for hours on end.

I have friends who have 3, but most of them have kids who are much more easygoing than my oldest. As my DH says, if they were all like DS2, we could have 3.

OP again. Just responded to other poster that this is a big factor for my husband as our older child requires a great deal of attention.

[Anonymous]

We have 3 and they would probably tell you that they don't get enough attention, and would keep telling you that even if DH and I both quit our jobs and spent every waking moment with them.

DS1 is 9 and is a very bright, very sensitive kid. He's reached an age where he wants to hang out with friends or sit and read or play video games a lot of the time so he's not as demanding of our attention as he used to be, but at the same time he gets upset easily and requires a lot of our attention just to help him work through his issues.

DD2 is 6 and "the easy one" but we knew before we had our third that DD2 would never get lost as a middle child or allow anyone to overlook her.

DD3 is about to be 4 and was a very easy baby and then more demanding toddler and now heading towards being a bit of a handful as a 4 year old.

I work full-time so we have a nanny from 10-6. DH also works full-time, but he has a flexible job and works out of the house a lot so he can spend time with the kids in the morning before the nanny gets there and when they were babies/toddlers he used to take a lunch break or just hang out and play when he had a few minutes during the day. I try to do one-on-one things occasionally, though we tend to spend most time on the weekends as a family. Honestly, most of my time outside of work is focused on the kids, but I would expect that to be the same no matter how many we had. DH is the same way. We're lucky in that they tend to keep each other occupied, so either the older 2 or the younger 2 will be playing with each other and not looking for our attention. When all 3 of them are doing something that usually requires more parental attention because they're likely to end up running around like lunatics.

We have a couple of former nannies/family friends who like to take the kids every month or so for an outing and my parents live nearby and have been able to help out occasionally, but honestly it's mostly just DH and I spending all of our time with the kids.

I recognized from the start that DS1 would never feel like he got enough attention (even when he was an only child) so that has helped me keep some perspective on what the kids need versus what they want. Having said that, if all 3 of them were as sensitive as DS1, I'd probably be a lot more stressed about having 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Each kid necessarily gets less attention. I think that's a good thing, though. It necessarily means that I can't helicopter as much and I have to focus on what's really important.

This is so true! I'm a SAHM, 3 kids, ages 7-10

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Each kid necessarily gets less attention. I think that's a good thing, though. It necessarily means that I can't helicopter as much and I have to focus on what's really important.

This is so true! I'm a SAHM, 3 kids, ages 7-10

+1.

I am the mom to 4 children ages 22, 20, 18 and 13. I worked part time when the 3 oldest were in ES and full time for the past 10 years. The oldest had serious health issues the first 10-12 years, which complicated matters and of course there were times when I wished I could focus on them more individually but I absolutely believe there was/is enough of DH and I to go around. The 3 oldest are on the cusp of adulthood and each is independent, responsible and resilient (cook, clean, do laundry for everyone in the household, mow the lawn, hold down jobs during school year and summer), have great relationships with each other and got into great colleges. The verdict is still out on the 13 year old but s/he is on track like the older ones.

I see some of my friends with only one or two kids worry way too much about the small things, interfere way too much in things the kids should handle themselves and unconsciously not foster independence. That's just less likely to happen with more kids.

I think the real questions you should ask yourself are: how do you handle chaos, how do you balance needs v. desires (bc with more kids there are more needs and more desires), how do you feel about being very busy with little downtime, and can you afford it - because with 3 going through college right now, let me tell you it's a lot of $$$!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Each kid necessarily gets less attention. I think that's a good thing, though. It necessarily means that I can't helicopter as much and I have to focus on what's really important.

This is so true! I'm a SAHM, 3 kids, ages 7-10

+1.

I am the mom to 4 children ages 22, 20, 18 and 13. I worked part time when the 3 oldest were in ES and full time for the past 10 years. The oldest had serious health issues the first 10-12 years, which complicated matters and of course there were times when I wished I could focus on them more individually but I absolutely believe there was/is enough of DH and I to go around. The 3 oldest are on the cusp of adulthood and each is independent, responsible and resilient (cook, clean, do laundry for everyone in the household, mow the lawn, hold down jobs during school year and summer), have great relationships with each other and got into great colleges. The verdict is still out on the 13 year old but s/he is on track like the older ones.

I see some of my friends with only one or two kids worry way too much about the small things, interfere way too much in things the kids should handle themselves and unconsciously not foster independence. That's just less likely to happen with more kids.

I think the real questions you should ask yourself are: how do you handle chaos, how do you balance needs v. desires (bc with more kids there are more needs and more desires), how do you feel about being very busy with little downtime, and can you afford it - because with 3 going through college right now, let me tell you it's a lot of $$$!

Great perspective- thanks. As one of 4 kids I find the "less helicoptering" thing to be true, though of course it was a different era! We all ended up to be very self-sufficient. DH and I both have differing notions about college- the 3 of us (one of my sibs didn't go) who went to college did it ourselves and came out alright so I kind of want mine to have some skin in the game. Not sure how we'll address it but we definitely won't be paying full cost for all, no matter 2 or 3 but that's another story.

[Anonymous]

Whoops, I meant about paying for college. We paid ourselves.