Did creating a master list of chores and divvying them up help your marriage?

[Anonymous]

I've seen people suggesting this on here. Did this actually help you guys?

I feel like we would be good candidates for this because this issue - who does what around the house and especially with the kids - is the one issue we fight about. We never fight about money, sex, family, parenting styles, etc. If we both had a list of chores we had to do with no overlap - so no cause for the other person to be like "I think you should be doing that" because we already agreed the other person would be taking care of it - it would cut down on a lot of fighting.

Anyway I brought this up to him today and he didn't think it was a good idea. He wants there to be more flexibility but I think the overlap is what is causing the fighting. For instance, today we fought about who should walk our son to the bus. We were both trying to get out the door for work. DH has been doing it all year but apparently thought he was doing it as a favor to ME (WTF it's his kid too) and I thought he knew it was a chore on his "list." If we clarify who does what, I think it will cut down on this type of fighting.

[Anonymous]

If you are both working parents and you think you are doing a lot more than he is, I think you can just tell him that. If he has been walking your son to the bus stop all year, maybe he feels that it is your turn.

Making an actual list seems strange, but it might be enlightening on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Yes, early on in our marriage (well before we had a kid), DH treated cleaning and other household tasks as "favors" to me that he would do semi-regularly but he kind of wanted a pat on the head every time. I was getting frustrated with all the extra work I was doing in comparison to him so we came up with a schedule and decided who would do what. It really helped and, while we don't have a formal list of who does what now, we've kept up the pattern of each having tasks that are our individual responsibility.

When things get out of whack or a major additional responsibility arrives (like having DD), we revisit and divvy up responsibilities again. However, I think this worked so well for us because, while a bit oblivious at first, DH did want to pull his weight and we both really want to be fair with each other so no one ends up overwhelmed. We do kind of the same thing of making sure each parent gets down time sans baby on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Daily chores became mine once I mentally checked out from the office (realized that office career is not for me). Somehow the need to divide disappeared, even though I still worked. Until then, it was a struggle and very similar attitude from DH (my favorite was always his babysitting his own kids)

[Anonymous]

I think it could be useful just to clear out WHAT the chores are. And who is doing them. I think my goal is always to do as much as I can, if a small thing I do can make DH's life better, I do it. Until it is too much. At the same time, I do feel that DH does all he can do to make my life better, as well. So it is a mindset, not about I'm doing more than him, but that I can do more FOR him. If that makes sense.

Its a struggle.

[Anonymous]

No. That sounds annoying. I want more flexibility. DH and I will discuss what our work schedules are in a given week and decide who will walk DS to school etc. that particular week. But no master list.

[Anonymous]

No. It illustrated to DW, who was the one who felt overburdened, how much I was actually doing. Evidence that ran contrary to her feelings was not welcome.

[Anonymous]

Creating a master list of the things that needed to be done around the house on a weekly and monthly basis helped us both understand what the other was already doing around the house. It helped me to justify the expense of the cleaning service I insisted that we hire when it became clear to me that no matter how many times my husband swore that he would do X, Y and Z, he was not going to do them. When he realized how much I was already doing, he decided it was more important to him to pay $300/month for a cleaning service that got him off the hook for the things he wasn't doing.

[Anonymous]

It worked for us because in an email there is no attitude, not tone and there is something to refer to since memory is fading as we get too busy, too old.

So every Sunday there is a list of days and who is driving to or from school/camp/etc. also on Wednesday I send out a schedule for the weekend - 2 kids, 2 different sets of activities.

Also, there is a list of stuff to do this week. It is in an email and we reply when we do something DONE. It works for us because my H does not want to do something that is DONE so he did nothing. Made sense to me.

So this week "to do" is....

1. sign waiver for camp
2. text Joe about carpool on Thursday
3. Take Larla to pediatrician for follow to xrays this Weekend, appt time Friday at 10am
4. Fill out health forms for sleep away camp
5. Schedule technician to fix dish washer
6. Take car for repair and oil change

We also have an "understanding" about other chores. I cook M and W, he cooks T and Th. I do dishes when he cooks, he does dishes when I cook.

I do my laundry, he does his laundry. I do kids laundry on W and he does kids laundry on Sat.

[Anonymous]

We are working on a chore list and schedule (ie what days laundry is done etc) right now. We are two working parents with two kids under 4 and no help (no family near bye and no hired cleaners etc). We both contribute but there are so many things that don't get done as we feel so stretched for time and our children don't go to bed early enough that evenings are free. We argue about why we didn't get something done (no blame assigned) and just feel incompetent in terms of keeping the house running so it is time to create some order. The outcome is yet to be seen but I would say NOT having any order is seriously putting a strain on us so why not try it.

[Anonymous]

No. I've done this in various ways many times. It hasn't hurt us either, but it wasn't effective.

Not as much a master list, as a variety of attempts to lay out a structure or goals or a basic checklist.

Dh just isn't a planner. He would never do a list like I've done in his own. Never ever.

In a discussion about this with my therapist, she explained in a positive way that 'I do what I want to do, and he does what he wants to do.' If he doesn't like going by a checklist or other plan, it's not my place to set this up.

So now I just ask him. He always follows through. And I know it goes against the concerns of default parenting-household-maintaining, BUT I recognize that he is the default on a bunch of things that I don't have to remember.

Even after this, I still make mini attempts to help structure our life. Instead of asking for him to join in every aspect if that list, I ask him to know and recognize that I do it, and to support me.

[Anonymous]

I wish this would work in our house because I need help and its straining our marriage, but I don't think my husband would like it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, early on in our marriage (well before we had a kid), DH treated cleaning and other household tasks as "favors" to me that he would do semi-regularly but he kind of wanted a pat on the head every time. I was getting frustrated with all the extra work I was doing in comparison to him so we came up with a schedule and decided who would do what. It really helped and, while we don't have a formal list of who does what now, we've kept up the pattern of each having tasks that are our individual responsibility.

When things get out of whack or a major additional responsibility arrives (like having DD), we revisit and divvy up responsibilities again. However, I think this worked so well for us because, while a bit oblivious at first, DH did want to pull his weight and we both really want to be fair with each other so no one ends up overwhelmed. We do kind of the same thing of making sure each parent gets down time sans baby on a regular basis.

My experience was similar. Worked well, but probably because DH was open to it.

[Anonymous]

In our house it was DH's idea, and it has helped a lot. (Prior to the list, I was doing more and was stressed out.)

[Anonymous]

We did this once - it was a good exercise because it showed (to both of us) the little areas that take up lots of time that are taken for granted by the other party - like reviewing and sorting the mail, feeding and doing the cat litter, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, filling out childrens' forms of all sorts, filling and emptying diswasher, making the food list and thinking about what breakfast/lunch/dinner will be, home maintenance, changing light bulbs, making drs appts, keeping the family calendar, doing bills, etc. Also if there were chores that the other person was doing that they really hated but their counterpart didn't mind - trading tasks didn't seem so burdensome.