Raising kids "on your own"
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Anonymous
| Are you and your spouse raising your kids here completely on your own? Meaning, you don't get any help whatsoever from family members who all live far away? We are in this boat and it can be very tough sometimes. Do you ever find yourself getting a little jealous of siblings or siblings-in-law who receive free child care services from grandma and grandpa? What do you think are some of the benefits of being completely on your own (since the costs are pretty obvious)? |
Anonymous
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The only benefit is that you are free from potential interference.
Otherwise there are no benefits, none. It's not about "free childcare services" as you put it. It's about the opportunity to form relationships with your family. |
Anonymous
+1 It sucks. Yes, I'm envious of my sibling who knows that, in a pinch, backup is close by and for whom date nights are a regular occurrence and don't involve at least another $100 tacked on for babysitting. Im even more envious of the close relationships that are aided by proximity. In our family, there is only one grandparent, so it is not all about personal choices. If I had a choice, my child would have living grandparents. I would have living parents. As it is, we make the best of it and visit and video call often. The only time it really gets to me is when people assume that we do have some sort of family safety net and speak of it as if it is a sure thing. I know it's well-intended, but UGH! |
Anonymous
| We live very far from family. My family is crazy so it's worth the privacy and less interference for me to not have free sitters. |
Anonymous
| We live across the country from DH's parents (mine are not in the picture). It's fine. I think sometimes people look for things to be upset about. |
Anonymous
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I live near my parents. They don't babysit. They will if I'm really in a bind and have no other alternative and even then it is done reluctantly and they make sure they know what an imposition I am making on their lives. I will exhaust every known alternative before asking them for help, then I will rack my brains for other ideas, and weigh the importance of the activity that I need to do against the drama that them watching my kids brings.
On Thanksgiving day when we visit my parents, I'm jealous of my brother 1,000 miles away contently enjoying the holidays with his nuclear family. |
Anonymous
| I am a little jealous too, but only of families who are easy to deal with and good with the kids. Not all families are helpful or trustworthy, and sometimes they expect a lot in return. In particular, OP, they may be willing to help out immensely when the kids are little, but expect a commensurate level of involvement (like moving in and being financially supported) when they themselves are very old. So your friends may be getting some benefits up front, but paying a price later that may not be apparent to you. |
Anonymous
| Raising your own kids is what's ordinary. Op, it would help - help you probably - if you turned your thinking around. |
Anonymous
| Raising kids without family is my norm- both growing up and raising my own children. Build your own local network. |
Anonymous
| We almost always lived far from family and we simply dealt with it. All of my siblings lived within an hour of my parents and I was only jealous around holidays given we lived on opposite coasts. Moving away from family is very difficult and is a huge part of the relo decision. It ended up being the right move for us though the holiday memories were never as rich. We made plenty of friends who were in the same boat so we spent holidays with them and they have become like family. |
Anonymous
| Both my husband and I are much younger than our siblings and were fairly young when we lost our parents. So yes, I'm jealous of the fact that our older siblings had kids before our parents passed away, so had the benefit of those relationships that we/our kids missed out on. |
Anonymous
This is us. I wouldn't say we are "jealous" per se but wish our kids had a chance to know their grandparents before they passed. |
Anonymous
| Half the year my parents live around the corner from us and it is heaven! We don't ask them to babysit too often but they are happy to do it if they are free. My Dad will play with my 4yo son once or twice a week for an hour or two. I often swing by their house with both kids for a brief visit. They have boxes of toys right in the family room. The other half of the year they are away and I really miss them as do my kids. I lived in Boston for a few years and while I learned to love the city I really wanted to be near home. |
Anonymous
| Raising your children near family is ideal but only if the job opportunities are good and you really like the area. Just because family is nearby is no excuse for being unhappy with other key elements of ones life. You can always visit and thank god for Facetime! |
Anonymous
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We are in a similar situation, except both sets of grandparents are within 20 minutes of us. They see our son (10 months old) every 6-8 weeks for a brunch out, or a one-hour visit to our house. It's hard. We don't really expect or require much help (though a date night babysitter would be nice, we would never ask!), but it makes me sad that they don't really make an effort to see their only grandson. I know it especially stings my husband because his mother provides free full time childcare to our niece (his sister's daughter). Our kids are only about 6 weeks apart, and we are literally chopped liver in comparison. My MIL sees her granddaughter literally daily, and is "busy" whenever we try to set something up with her. It's because my SIL is extremely lazy and needy (my MIL says she is basically incapable of handling her child on her own, so she has to be there constantly to "supervise" things), but I know my husband still finds it very hurtful.
On the bright side, we are able to shut down any unwanted opinions or interference without any guilt. |