Raising kids "on your own"

[Anonymous]

Would HATE living near extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live near my parents. They don't babysit. They will if I'm really in a bind and have no other alternative and even then it is done reluctantly and they make sure they know what an imposition I am making on their lives. I will exhaust every known alternative before asking them for help, then I will rack my brains for other ideas, and weigh the importance of the activity that I need to do against the drama that them watching my kids brings.

On Thanksgiving day when we visit my parents, I'm jealous of my brother 1,000 miles away contently enjoying the holidays with his nuclear family.

Our situation too. My DH's parents babysat for us once in 8 years. While we were out they called to find out when we were coming back. We also have to host them for every holiday. My parents, who are too far to babysit, but are younger than DH's parents, have both experienced poor health surprisingly early in their senior years. I do feel sad that my kids won't have much of a relationship with either set. We also don't have much in the way of friends. It sucks but I can't spend a lot of time thinking about it because I'm too busy.

[Anonymous]

It is hard. I am a single parent. I have one sibling in the area-- but far more often, I am the one who is the "back up" for their babysitting than the other way around. My extended family rarely "helps out." It is also incredibly hard to build a "network" when you work full-time (and more), raising two kids completely on your own etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Raising your own kids is what's ordinary. Op, it would help - help you probably - if you turned your thinking around.

This.

I know a lot of people with no extended family nearby.

I also know a lot of people with extended family who live within driving distance and the family visits a lot and the visits a lot of stress to friends' lives because they parents are variations on unhelpful or extremely annoying to be around. So maybe they get a free night of babysitting out of it for date night. (Maybe.) I can find a babysitter and have a date night and skip the rest.

And yes, I do know a few unicorns who have an awesome grandparent who lives nearby, is normal and considerate and great to be around, and watches the kid for free.

But that is just not the norm. Focus on what you have, not what you don't have or what you perceive other people have.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are both from here and our parents couldn't wait to have grandkids. They offered to babysit all the time when they were babies and were really helpful. It was great.

Then they both retired, didn't want to spend the money to live in the area anymore and moved 2-3 hours away (both sets of parents). It sucks. But they are a little older now so finding other families/neighbors to trade off with is much easier. Besides, most of our friends have kids of the same age so when we get together, the kids entertain one another and we can still hang out and relax. Much easier than when they were all babies.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I get jealous. One of my friend's mom live in the same neighborhood as them. She helps them out a ton.

[Anonymous]

Totally on our own, really. I'm do envy friends with families who help, and not just because of the help, but of the connection and empathy. Of course, I also see people with meddling families and it causes stress.

[Anonymous]

Our families live far away. I'm jealous of my sibling who lives near my parents because she had perks and didn't seem to appreciate it and takes it for granted. My parents are old enough they are over the grandparenting stage. They had their fill of her kids and so it's not as important for them to see mine. It has been hard but the benefit is the satisfaction of knowing that I'm capable of raising my kids without help. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[Anonymous]

We live far away from both sets of families. I would love to be near mine as I genuinely like to be around them (so does DH), they engage with our kids, we all have a lot of fun together and help each other out as needed. We've always been a close family and I grew up seeing my grandparents and aunts/uncles weekly. But unfortunately, my family and DH's family live within 2 hours of each other, so we can't have one without the other. DH and I are 100% in agreement that we cannot live anywhere near his family. They are toxic, awful people. Living out here means we only have to deal with them 1-2 times per year. I wish my kids could have close family relationships growing up like I did, but we are happier overall being far away from DH's family.

[Anonymous]

We are raising our boys on our own. I am estranged from my parents and siblings as they didn't accept DH. His parents live in another country and see their grandkids once a year when we visit. It can get hard and I do feel sad that my parents are the way they are. But I won't force it. When the kids are older, if they want to meet their other grandparents, I won't stop them.

[Anonymous]

I don't mind being away from family. I feel home life is actually more peaceful, less distractions and obligations. However, I don't think I could live far enough that visiting family would require a days driving or a flight. 2 hours or less is ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard. I am a single parent. I have one sibling in the area-- but far more often, I am the one who is the "back up" for their babysitting than the other way around. My extended family rarely "helps out." It is also incredibly hard to build a "network" when you work full-time (and more), raising two kids completely on your own etc.

Whaaaat? I thought being a SAHM was the hardest gig out there. That's what dcum would have you believe anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are raising our boys on our own. I am estranged from my parents and siblings as they didn't accept DH. His parents live in another country and see their grandkids once a year when we visit. It can get hard and I do feel sad that my parents are the way they are. But I won't force it. When the kids are older, if they want to meet their other grandparents, I won't stop them.

Why don't they accept your husband? I think that would definitely factor in to whether or not the grandparents get to meet the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

We are international distance away from both sets of grandparents (and even in that country, my side is domestic airplane distance from my husband). So, we never ever expected that we could get their help at all.
On the other hand, my sister lives 2 min walking distance from my parents and my parents help with drop off at preschool/cook/entertain at various occasion, so YES, I am envious at times. But, mostly, what I am jealous is that opportunity for my kid to bond with grandparents. Right now, it is once a year that my kid gets a change to meet the grandparents and cousins. Things may change now that my sister and BIL is moving to DC area on job relocation, so now cousins can spend more times together. But, I, myself, miss spending time with my parents. I believe it goes same with my husband. Tough being away from the family whether we could count on their babysitting gig. Holidays is the tough ones.

[Anonymous]

I suppose the benefit is that you don't have people always up in your business. And I would go nuts if I lived too close to my MIL and FIL. On the other hand, I do wish I lived closer to my parents. We get along really well, and my mom is truly helpful and doesn't interfere or give a ton of unsolicited advice.