20 minute tantrum advice?

[Anonymous]

I have 2 DDs, the older is 3.5 and started throwing tantrums at 18 months and continues to throw them, but they are usually fairly short: 3-5 min of crying/screaming/hitting/throwing things, which sometimes continues in time-out. I feel like we have a good way of coping with this behavior: after she calms down from the initial crying/screaming/hitting/throwing things I comfort her, she apologizes, we clean up, and all is fine.

My youngest DD, just turned 20 months, just started having tantrums, and they are totally different. About once a week she has a full-on 15-20 minute tantrum. During these tantrums she cries/screams/kicks/hits/throws the entire 15-20 min. She works herself up so much she throws-up. If I think she is calming down and I try to comfort her (even talking to her), it works her back up to screaming/kicking/hitting. And even though she won't let me comfort her, if I walk away and ignore her, she starts screaming for me and gets worked up again. Right now I am staying a couple of feet away until she calms down a bit, then hold her for another 5 min while she calms down all the way. Last night it took about 45 min. Afterwards, she is her usual sweet self, like nothing happened.

Can anyone who also has a DC with similar tantrums offer any advice on what has worked for you? TIA.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Rude PP. I have a kid just like the one you described. She can throw a pretty insane 20 minute or more tantrum. She does this to gain my attention. I have started to ignore her and this helps to de-escalate her.

[Anonymous]

OP--my son was like this. Tantrums were epic. I posted on DCUM looking for advice and got a lot of what the PP Nanny provided you. None of it was helpful.

The more I disengaged, the louder the tantrum. If I came too close, the tantrum would escalate. So ignoring didn't work and comforting didn't work.

For our child, we happen to discover the "cure" one random night. DH had a presentation in the morning and had to be prepared for a long day. Lack of sleep for him was just not an option. I carried my screaming child to the car and we drove around as if he was 6 months old. About 5 min into the car ride, the tantrum subsided. At 10 min, he stopped. At 15 min, he was ready to talk to me and tell me what was bothering him.

For him, once the tantrum escalated, he didn't have the ability to self regulate and bring himself back down. He's 7 down and still asks to go for a quiet drive when he is unable to calm himself down.

I've been there and I'm sorry you're going through this. It's no fun for the entire family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--my son was like this. Tantrums were epic. I posted on DCUM looking for advice and got a lot of what the PP Nanny provided you. None of it was helpful.

The more I disengaged, the louder the tantrum. If I came too close, the tantrum would escalate. So ignoring didn't work and comforting didn't work.

For our child, we happen to discover the "cure" one random night. DH had a presentation in the morning and had to be prepared for a long day. Lack of sleep for him was just not an option. I carried my screaming child to the car and we drove around as if he was 6 months old. About 5 min into the car ride, the tantrum subsided. At 10 min, he stopped. At 15 min, he was ready to talk to me and tell me what was bothering him.

For him, once the tantrum escalated, he didn't have the ability to self regulate and bring himself back down. He's 7 down and still asks to go for a quiet drive when he is unable to calm himself down.

I've been there and I'm sorry you're going through this. It's no fun for the entire family.

Amazed you were able to get him strapped into a carseat during a tantrum.

Our 2 year old DD had epic tantrums about 18-20 months. My solution was to ignore it but stay near her at all times. She didn't like to be touched at all -- that just made it worse. Now she's 25 months and they very rarely happen. Like all things with kids, it was a phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--my son was like this. Tantrums were epic. I posted on DCUM looking for advice and got a lot of what the PP Nanny provided you. None of it was helpful.

The more I disengaged, the louder the tantrum. If I came too close, the tantrum would escalate. So ignoring didn't work and comforting didn't work.

For our child, we happen to discover the "cure" one random night. DH had a presentation in the morning and had to be prepared for a long day. Lack of sleep for him was just not an option. I carried my screaming child to the car and we drove around as if he was 6 months old. About 5 min into the car ride, the tantrum subsided. At 10 min, he stopped. At 15 min, he was ready to talk to me and tell me what was bothering him.

For him, once the tantrum escalated, he didn't have the ability to self regulate and bring himself back down. He's 7 down and still asks to go for a quiet drive when he is unable to calm himself down.

I've been there and I'm sorry you're going through this. It's no fun for the entire family.

Yeah I thought the nanny advice was kind of messed up too. I feel bad for the family where she works. It seems at odds with the conventional understanding that young kids cannot self-regulate - they lack the processing skills to manage the emotions they are feeling. So "treating them like adults" isn't a great strategy because an adult can calm herself down, whereas a child keeps getting spun up.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you to all the helpful/supportive replies.

It is comforting to know that others had children who grew out of this, and that maybe longer-term DD might need extra help developing coping skills for regulating emotions.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids similar to yours. The current 3 year old will tantrum for maybe 2 minutes and then wants a hug and is over it. My eldest, now 4.5, would tantrum for forever - 20, 30, 40 minutes - and violently. We'd take him to his room and sit with him, and he would try whatever he could to hurt us - pinch, kick, bite, scream, throw things. We'd have to hold him in our arms to prevent injury. If we left him, he'd get more angry and throw things at the walls and doors. It has lessened greatly since he's turned 4. He is just a very emotional, very reactive, very sensitive kid. Has been since birth. You just have to hold on and weather the storm. For us, time outs and isolation made it worse, so while sitting with him was unpleasant (and infuriating, to be honest), it was the best of our options. My DH and I would switch off, though, because I could only handle the violence and screaming for so long before I got angry, too.

[Anonymous]

My DS had epic 60+ minute meltdowns with screaming, kicking, back arching. I thought that it was what possession looked like. He had them for 12 months, from 18 months to 2.5, and eventually outgrew them. People who say this cures it or that fixes it just haven't experienced kids who have meltdowns.

For DS, it had to do with sleep disruption. If he had an early or late nap, a long or short nap. If he was sick and slept badly at night, or overslept. I think it is just emotional dysregulation, that he needed more time and maturity to handle himself.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone, OP. My DD went through an epic tantrum phase starting at 20 months. Some lasted as long as 40 minutes. She threw up once during one. The only thing that worked was to just let her be & ignore her behavior unless she was going to hurt herself. Trying to calm her down made things worse & prolongued it.

It is a phase, and it will pass.

[Anonymous]

Maybe Janet Lansbury's blog has some advice? I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. My 22 month old DS has short tantrums, but they're usually associated with being overtired. I try speaking to him quietly and acknowledging his feelings while saying "Use your words." This doesn't always work, though, and his meltdowns seem tame compared to what you're explaining.

[LoriCroit]

I am sorry you and your children are going through all this. I wish I was able to help you in some way.

I will be the first to admit that I know very little about tantrums. I do have a couple of questions. Is there anyway that you can see it coming and head it off before it happens? Do your children show signs of depressions, distress or agitation just before a tantrum that it could be headed off with some kind of distraction? I am just curious as whether there are signs before this happens that could be altered or given come kind of stimulus or distraction.

I did find an article that might be helpful called "Toddler Throws Uncontrollable Tantrums": http://tinyurl.com/y7c692tu

I hope things settle down for you soon. I will keep your family in my prayers.