SAHM to WOHM - how did the dynamic in your marriage/family change?

[Anonymous]

Currently SAH with preschooler and infant, and have stayed home since late pregnancy with my first - a long time. I do 90-95% of the housework and errands, along with taking care of almost all child-related things (doctor's appointments, haircuts, clothes shopping etc). I'm very eager to go back to work but am worried about the transition. I'm hoping my working will lead to a greater sense of equality in the home. I'm also hopeful it will open my husband's eyes a bit to the many tasks that I've been managing all this time. Would love to hear about other's experiences. TIA!

[Anonymous]

It was hard. DH was used to having me as his personal concierge and errand girl, and he woukd get rather pissy about it when I would decline to do things I used to do. He also tried to put some of it on his assistant at work, but she pushed back (smart girl). I think the best thing is to decide what you will and won't do, and in particular what you will or won't miss work for, and stick to it. Clarity and boundaries will minimize conflict. No just this once, no just because work is slow, no poor DH is just sooooo busy. Hold him to the agreement, whatever it is.

A lot of men want the convenience and unpaid work of a SAHM and the income of a working wife too.

[Anonymous]

If I were doing it again, I would put him on a trial period before committing to a job. Have him do half the sick days, half of whatever, deal with his own dry cleaning etc., for three months. If he's always trying to use some excuse to get out of it, then you have your answer. If he steps up well, then you can confidently look for a job.

Starting a job and then quitting for family reasons will be really bad for your professional relationships, so it's best to make sure in advance that your DH really will hold up his end of the bargain if you work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were doing it again, I would put him on a trial period before committing to a job. Have him do half the sick days, half of whatever, deal with his own dry cleaning etc., for three months. If he's always trying to use some excuse to get out of it, then you have your answer. If he steps up well, then you can confidently look for a job.

Starting a job and then quitting for family reasons will be really bad for your professional relationships, so it's best to make sure in advance that your DH really will hold up his end of the bargain if you work.

My DH did not hold up his end of the bargain, but I really wanted to continue my career. He took on some things, we outsourced some things and let some things go undone.

[Anonymous]

We hired a live in nanny and continued to have a weekly house cleaner. I was fortunate enough to earn enough so we could afford it. My DH started to do his own laundry. I continued to do the basic shopping and meal prep. DH was always good with playing with the kids, reading to them and putting them to bed. He did all of the outside work and I ran the inside. The work load certainly wasn't 50:50 but his hours/travel were much longer and his pay was much higher. I certainly wished he had done more (who wouldn't?) but we had a very good life so I would have been dumb to complain.

[Anonymous]

Bump

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I continued to do nearly everything related to the house and kids when I went back to work. Outsourced some stuff.

But I kind of knew that was going to be the deal. By the time I went back to work, my DH had a pretty big deal job and he just was a creature of habit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I continued to do nearly everything related to the house and kids when I went back to work. Outsourced some stuff.

But I kind of knew that was going to be the deal. By the time I went back to work, my DH had a pretty big deal job and he just was a creature of habit.

+1 went back but consider myself a reformed sahm - it's hard to not do everything and be able to be everywhere

[Anonymous]

I recently started working 25hr/week while DH babysits 3 yo DD. Our quality of life has improved greatly. He gets to spend time with the girl, they enjoy each other most of the time. I love my coworkers and am glad to be out of the house, meeting people, earning for what I want/need. However, when I was offered a 9-5 he insisted that I decline because he thought that we would lose more than gain. And we don't have an infant. So idk how my experience relates to yours, but DH treats me much better now that I am working. I have money, we have sex again, less stress on him. So me working has brought nothing but good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I continued to do nearly everything related to the house and kids when I went back to work. Outsourced some stuff.

But I kind of knew that was going to be the deal. By the time I went back to work, my DH had a pretty big deal job and he just was a creature of habit.

Pretty much this, but my situation was a bit different.

I was a WOHM who got laid off. Aside from a couple of short-term contracts, I was a SAHM for about 18 months. DH got used to me doing everything(!!!) I landed a new contract position that has a definite end date (I'm working on making it permanent, but it's a total outside shot).


So at least for now I am doing 100% of everything, short of what I have out sourced from my own salary. At this point in time I feel I'm very limited as to what type of job I can get...DH has gotten to the point in his work where he is expected to be there no matter what, expected to travel, etc. By default any position I can find would have to be outstandingly flexible, or would require a whole lot of change for DH's job.

Personally, I echo Pp's advice for a trial period are definitely be willing to push back on some things that DH just not picking up slack on. I'm dealing with things for now because I do know that eventually I will be going back and it is important for DH to keep up his momentum at his position. The instant I got a full-time job though, or if we collectively decide that I should stay at home, things will absolutely change. It's not pleasant to be expected to do 100% of everything.


On a side note... I do feel kind of bad ass that I *can* handle every damn thing. It's kind of empowering now that I'm over the steepest part of the learning curve.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is encouraging. I've wanted to go back to work since my older child was 18 months, and have worked some part-time jobs here and there, but we really need an extra income and I'm so over being a SAHM.

I'm not sure how my H will adjust. For example, he follows a very strict gym schedule in which he must work our four days a week for 1-1.5 hours per session. He just "builds" this time into his workday, leaving at six and returning at six, but I'm going to need him to be a lot more hands-on if I work full-time.

I guess time will tell. Thanks for sharing these stories, all.

[Anonymous]

My experience might not be as relevant. My husband was always a great partner, so when i returned to work, he just picked uo a little more. However i quickly realized how much I HATE using family time for chores so now i have someone doing our laundry, cleaning house, and someone doing all yard work. We aldi make less messes because nobofy is home all day.