Living with a difficult husband (very) when you are upbeat and happy
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My H and I have been married 24 years. He used to be more fun but has always been moody, had a temper, hotheaded and not always the easiest. We have weathered some tough times but always got through it. By nature, I am upbeat, happy and very comfortable in my own skin. He can blow up easily and lately has been way moodier than usual. I think if i am to be honest he really does not like himself that much. He feels overweight, has a hard time getting along with a number of his family members and though he has some friends, not an overly social person. Opposite of me, I have a lot of friends, in generally likable and very outgoing and extremely positive.
Two nights ago we were going to a function, I told him last minute he had to wear a tie. He asked if I was sure. I was. We get there and he sees a few guys walking out in shorts/t shirts and FLIPS out. He said (he did not mean it but still) "if I walk in there and am the only one wearing a tie, I will kill you- wait till you see what happens if that happens". Now I know this is going to be very alarming and maybe I do need a reality check about how bad this is. I was correct, those guys in shorts were there for something else, and every guy had a jacket and tie but that was besides the point. I have not talked to him in 2 days after what he said. He has never ever laid a hand on me, or even tried. He has yelled and lost it (but a bit milder over time) however this crossed a line and I think it all stems from him not being happy with himself. He got in a big argument with his sister and husband and then at work another disagreement, he is very successful at what he does but his personality is I think volatile. I told my sister what he said and she went nuts which got me thinking about this whole thing. He says twice now that he was joking but that is NOT something one jokes about. Any advice? Though this is not his every day mood, he is often grumpy and negative. We have four kids last one graduating this year. The thing is I do love him and care for him, I know in his heart hes a good guy/father/husband and I think strangely, more than anything I feel sorry for him. Maybe because i am a very happy, positive content person in my own skin and do not think he is and I imagine that must be very difficult. Could use some advice. |
Anonymous
|
I think "I will kill you" can be a figure of speech and really shouldn't be taken literally in most contexts. But this, of course, assumes a person with a non-violent history.
To me the bigger red flag is you feel sorry for your husband and don't seem to like him. But the "kill you" comment? I'd let that go. |
Anonymous
|
Has he been assessed for depression?
Anger / irritability is a common sign of depression in men. |
Anonymous
| I disagree with PP. Unless said in a very jokey way when the mood is light, and even then I don't think it's a good choice of words - at all. You've been in a long marriage. I'd tell him he needs to get therapy to figure out what is going on. I would be concerned. I'm sorry OP. |
Anonymous
|
I have thought he might be depressed too. He has everything one could have but I can see in some ways he is either insecure or is lacking, just a gut instinct. I think he at times resents me for my ease and ability to get along, and my wide social circle. I am also very upbeat and he always sees the glass half empty.
With regard to the kill comment, the reason it bothered me so much is HOW he said it. He was really fired up. It wasn't said in a passive semi funny at all. He was really pissed and it was a very violent way to express himself then to follow up with "wait till you see what I do if I am the only one wearing a jacket and tie". Hard to explain online but it was pretty intense. |
Anonymous
| He sounds depressed. I'd share examples with him and that you're concerned about his well-being and would like him to get screened for it. |
Anonymous
|
He sounds like a major downer
does he bring anything positive to your life? I wouldn't want to put up with this |
Anonymous
+1 and I'm a 45 y.o. father of 3 here. |
Anonymous
He does sound depressed, but don't make this about you--I'd guess it's about his own issues rather than him comparing himself to you. Try to help him get help: https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-ways-to-help-someone-whos-depressed/ |
Anonymous
|
Lots of concern in this story.
But let's focus on you. You didn't talk to him for TWO DAYS since this incident?? That is an incredibly inappropriate response to his actions. 1) you can't control him or change his behavior, and 2) not talking to somebody is immature and not useful. So, what more is actually going on here? |
Anonymous
|
He sounds scary as hell. Don't lie, when he uttered those words, your stomach hit your toes and your heart went boom boom didn't it ? Now tell us what you think would have happened if the tie thing had gone wrong. For a moment, you were scared weren't you ?
I'll be damned if I live with a moody mean bastard. I don't care how depressed he may be, how stressed he may be, how unhappy he may be, you never threaten violence towards someone you claim to love. And hon, it was a threat. What if YOU were like him ? Would he be excusing YOUR behavior ? You walk on egg shells. Time to decide if you want this forever. |
Anonymous
| He sounds like my ex, who has anger issues. So in my mind, the "I'll kill you" threat likely meant "I'll make your life a living hell" threat, as opposed to a threat to do physical harm. Not much better, still probably causes you to walk on eggshells. Is he passive aggressive? Blames you for his problems? |
Anonymous
| Just so you know, he is only going to get more unpleasant as he gets older. Think if you want to spend the rest of your life with an a**hole. |
Anonymous
| Dump him. |
Anonymous
| I'm starting to gently suggest antidepressants for my DH. Our anniversary is day after tomorrow and he has no idea. So self absorbed and a downer lately. |