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Elementary School-Aged Kids
is this how boys are?
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Anonymous
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For those of you with more than one boy:
I have 3 and they fight like no one's business. It is driving my husband and I crazy! They are 12, 9, and 6. They are, individually, very gentle and nice boys-- they are kind to their friends, very well behaved at school and in outside the home situations.They have a lot of empathy for people, animals, curiousity about the world-- things that make me think they are okay. But then, with each other they are animals. Seriously. They have gotten to a new level this summer of physical behavior-- wrestling, kicking, attacking (jumping on). Yesterday I saw my 12 year old react to the 9 year olds attack with a full on, bar style punch (I yelled and he did not actually punch him, but absolutely would have). Mostly its the 12 year old who fights with the 9 year old, and the 6 and 9 year old fight. The 9 year old will, in my opinion, feel crummy about himself after being berated by the 12 year old, and then he will be mean to the 6 year old. They are all ramped up and are even fighting with (but he is not fighting back), my husband. The 6 year old will just punch him, the 12 year old will get furious at him and start to mope and cry (definitely some preteen angst). They have a baby sibling whom they are very sweet to. And mostly they are good with me- and they do not get physical with me at all. Its really seems to be a boy thing-- help! Is there any way to curb it, or is it part of normal boy/brother behavior? It definitely seems like there is an angle of finding the alpha dog syndrome going on. I am at a total loss. |
Anonymous
Mmm. My husband tells fighting tales of his childhood with his 3 brothers - sounds a bit like your family. Maybe they need more exercise? An indoor punching ball for inclement weather? Ideally they should solve problems with words, not punches, but only after they're tired out  Hang in there.
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Anonymous
| I'd put them in Tae Kwon Do. |
Anonymous
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Don't have anything really constructive to add because I haven't been through this (yet) with my own kids. My husband and his brother, who are less than one year apart in age, are extremely close as adults. They truly have a remarkable relationship.
They nearly killed each other as kids. Not exaggerating. I just feel for you. Especially with a baby too. Oh, and I love the idea of an indoor punching bag. That energy maybe can't be contained and instead be re-directed? |
Anonymous
| well I would say yes. I have three boys but they are 1.5, 4 and 6 and that's how our house is. It is CONSTANT. As you say, alone, they are the sweetest little guys but together-wow. And the baby is the biggest brute of all...boys. At least school is starting soon.... |
Anonymous
| My husband also grew up with three brothers. His poor mother claims that they fought ALL THE TIME. It got very physical. They mostly have good relationships now that they are older, but, the stories, oh, the stories! |
Anonymous
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I have all girls so I can't speak from personal experience but my sister has 4 boys. My observations of her boys are
(1) they need tons of intense physical activity throughout the day or they will beat on each other (2) they need time away from each other and with their peers. I'd say your boys are bored with unstructured time and sick of each other - very normal for summer. Give them each a highly physical project that is exciting and time away from siblings. |
Anonymous
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My husband also had three brothers and I hear that they fought like cats and dogs so I think it is somewhat normal. Of course, that was a different time (40+ years ago) and place (rural mid-western small town). Their mom could just kick them out of the house for a while to let them blow off steam.
These are all easier said than done but here are a few ideas. Maybe, if they are all sweet to the baby, you could talk to them about the example being set for the baby. Also, if you do see a trickle down effect (oldest son mean to next oldest, then next oldest mean to younger . . .) maybe you should start with the oldest. Tell him that you need his help with this because the fighting is really bothering you. I have boys also and I know things can pretty heated. Especially in these last days of summer. |
Anonymous
| OMG ladies -=- i'm due with boy #2 in a couple of weeks and getting freaked out about all this physical stuff! anyone read any good books or theories on boy development that can help us start moulding behavior in the beginning?? |
Anonymous
| Yes, is normal, I have two (13 and 11), and they are like that. |
Anonymous
| Thought the Tae Kwon Do suggestion (or any sport really) is a good one. Granted I am not a boy, but my sister and I were both very physical and were enrolled in Tae Kwon Do from the age of 7, and it seriously cut down on the physical and verbal fighting we'd been doing before. First of all, we were tired; and second, Tae Kwon Do emphasized self-discipline. I have seen similar results in my young male cousins - when the structured physical activity increases, their fighting decreases. They still fight, of course. But not as badly, and they don't get hurt. |
Anonymous
| Sh*t rolls downhill! |
Anonymous
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Another way to think about this: my boys are 3 years apart, and are "best friends." They rarely fight physically. BUT they still compare themselves. Problem is, instead of physical aggression, they feel bad about themselves if they feel they don't measure up, because it is "unthinkable" to them to feel ill toward each other. I"m no psychiatrist, but sometimes I wonder if a little overt playing out of feelings of competition might be better in the wrong one, if the alternative is turning that hostility inward. Just a thought ...
On a lighter note, they are "best friends" but sometimes they are happiest when the other isn't around. |
Anonymous
Sorry - the above should say "might be better in the LONG RUN, ..." |
Anonymous
| Hmmmm. An interesting slip! |