is this how boys are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another way to think about this: my boys are 3 years apart, and are "best friends." They rarely fight physically. BUT they still compare themselves. Problem is, instead of physical aggression, they feel bad about themselves if they feel they don't measure up, because it is "unthinkable" to them to feel ill toward each other. I"m no psychiatrist, but sometimes I wonder if a little overt playing out of feelings of competition might be better in the wrong one, if the alternative is turning that hostility inward. Just a thought ...

On a lighter note, they are "best friends" but sometimes they are happiest when the other isn't around.

Sorry - the above should say "might be better in the LONG RUN, ..."

Have you read the book "Siblings Without Rivalries"? Part of the author's theory, is that you need to let your children express their anger or bad feelings about each other. The key is helping them learn appropriate ways to express their feelings and give them the communications skills so that they can work out their differences.

I have three boys, but my youngest is still a baby. The thing that astounds me with the two older ones is that they can fight like cats and dogs and then two seconds later they will be laughing and playing happily together.

[Anonymous]

Well, normal or not, it's not healthy or safe for the kids to be beating on each other. Sounds like it gets out of hand and there's pain and emotional berating going on. Not the "fun" kind of physicality or good-natured taunting.

I'd get all "Supernanny" on their buts (which means interrupt calmly and firmly, say 'no x y z' and then remove a privalege -- and talk about it with them afterwards. Something like that.)

But seriously, to do nothing and just let them grow out of it doesn't seem like responsible parenting to me. What have you tried?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, normal or not, it's not healthy or safe for the kids to be beating on each other. Sounds like it gets out of hand and there's pain and emotional berating going on. Not the "fun" kind of physicality or good-natured taunting.
. What have you tried?

Op here- I agree to your sentiment. Now that school has started, I think it is definitely much better. We also came down very hard on the oldest and made a big discussion about how he was getting a lot of privileges/freedom as he was getting older, and that those would be taken away with no doubt by us if he did not stop. That, combined with time apart during the school day, has made a huge difference. We are also spending a lot of time outside after school so they are getting a lot of physical activity and friend time. I am amazed that now that they are in school and involved in their own social worlds, how much nicer they are to each other, and how much more tolerant of each other they are. I feel like it can turn very Lord of the Flies without a lot of structure, and as much as I love the idea of lazy summer days, at this stage of our family, too many of those days are not a good idea.Thanks for all the reassurances!

[Anonymous]

OMG. My brothers did/do this all the time, and it nearly drove my mom insane. Of course, with her extreme reaction, they learned to play her (sitting on opposite sides of the sofa shouting at each other as if they were beating the &*# out of each other until she came running into the room scolding them, etc.) Unfortunately, although my brothers get along now (in their late 30s), they still have a lot of contention between them, and I don't think the early wrestling helped.

Our cousins do the wrestling thing too. It is allowed in their house, but not ours. I have a girl and boy, but Dad wrestles with the kids. We are divorced, but Dad still comes over and the wrestling inevitably ends with someone getting hurt and crying. Just last night, he said to me, "I don't think I'm going to play wrestling anymore...it always ends badly." (Forehead-smacking sound.....)

So our rule is no wrestling, but I was just reading "Raising Cain" which seemed to be saying that the wrestling was an important aspect of male competition, blah, blah, blah. Although I liked the book somewhat, I did skim over that part because I just can't take the wrestling and I prioritized my sanity over whatever social benefit there is......

[Anonymous]

I AM A FEMALE AND I HAVE 3 SISTERS, AS KIDS WE FOUGHT ALL THE TIME EVEN PHYSICALLY, MY MOM WOULD ALWAYS GET ANGRY AND SAY WHERE IS THE LOVE, WE ARE ALL GROWN WITH OUR OWN LIVES AND LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH, BUT CAN SOMETIMES DEFINITELY GET INTO ARGUMENTS, IT'S JUST A FAMILY THING..IT WILL BE OK...