Family Feud - stay out or wade in?

[Anonymous]

I typically lean towards avoiding family drama, but in the past there was an episode where my DH was the one being shunned by the family and I don't want to be the one standing by silently while someone else is being shut out.

We've been told a few times by MIL about how DH's cousin is so awful and having mental problems and calling his mother horrible names etc etc. The drama was to the point where it made me nervous because the cousin lives near us. Shortly afterwards, we saw the cousin for dinner and he's FINE. Maybe he's pissed at his mother, but he's not having hallucinations or anywhere near as described.

Now, we're being told to cut all contact, defriend on Facebook, etc because of the problems. I don't want to start a fight by refusing to do as told by MIL and aunt-in-law, but why are we being dragged into this BS? Shouldn't they instead be asking us to help repair this relationship as semi-neutral parties who live near the cousin and are the same age/life stage? I don't want to rock the boat, but I hate the idea that we're shunning this couple who may not have done anything worse that what my DH did to be shunned (which was not kissing MIL's ass during his parents' divorce). When my husband was shunned, one aunt stood up for him and a part of me feels like an ass for not having the guts to try to help.

What says DCUM? Wade in or butt out?

[Anonymous]

It's not anyone else's place to tell you want kind of relationship to have with a third person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not anyone else's place to tell you want kind of relationship to have with a third person.

This. Check out the book "Boundaries", author Cloud. I have a feeling it would be helpful in your dealings with that family.

[Anonymous]

Unless you have proof that this cousin did something terrible, you cannot in good conscience cut him off. That would be unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not anyone else's place to tell you want kind of relationship to have with a third person.

+1

This family sounds very toxic. Shunning? Seriously? Don't get dragged into their craziness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I typically lean towards avoiding family drama, but in the past there was an episode where my DH was the one being shunned by the family and I don't want to be the one standing by silently while someone else is being shut out.

We've been told a few times by MIL about how DH's cousin is so awful and having mental problems and calling his mother horrible names etc etc. The drama was to the point where it made me nervous because the cousin lives near us. Shortly afterwards, we saw the cousin for dinner and he's FINE. Maybe he's pissed at his mother, but he's not having hallucinations or anywhere near as described.

Now, we're being told to cut all contact, defriend on Facebook, etc because of the problems. I don't want to start a fight by refusing to do as told by MIL and aunt-in-law, but why are we being dragged into this BS? Shouldn't they instead be asking us to help repair this relationship as semi-neutral parties who live near the cousin and are the same age/life stage? I don't want to rock the boat, but I hate the idea that we're shunning this couple who may not have done anything worse that what my DH did to be shunned (which was not kissing MIL's ass during his parents' divorce). When my husband was shunned, one aunt stood up for him and a part of me feels like an ass for not having the guts to try to help.

What says DCUM? Wade in or butt out?

[Anonymous]

Well for one, change your Facebook security settings so your MIL can't see whom you are and aren't friends with.

[Anonymous]

I'd keep up the same level of contact with all parties and change the topic. Every time.

[Anonymous]

Larlette, I'm not getting involved in this. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

[Anonymous]

NOT. YOUR. FIGHT.

[Anonymous]

So stay out entirely? Or try to help poor shunned cousin?

We've gone though phases where we've ceased contact with MIL because the drama/narcissism/whatever undiagnosed personality disorders made him too miserable. Now we've all established boundaries and our own equilibrium through years of therapy. I hate to see history repeat itself and can't help wondering if my aunt-in-law may share some of MILs more toxic traits even though she always seems wonderful to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So stay out entirely? Or try to help poor shunned cousin?

We've gone though phases where we've ceased contact with MIL because the drama/narcissism/whatever undiagnosed personality disorders made him too miserable. Now we've all established boundaries and our own equilibrium through years of therapy. I hate to see history repeat itself and can't help wondering if my aunt-in-law may share some of MILs more toxic traits even though she always seems wonderful to us.

You can maintain your relationship with the cousin, and just keep that seperate from the rest of the family. Do not shun him. Do not discuss him with the rest of the family.

[Anonymous]

MIL isn't the boss of your life. Do what you want and do not discuss it with your MIL or the other family members. You have received some good advice above^^. Or...shun MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Now, we're being told to cut all contact, defriend on Facebook, etc because of the problems. I don't want to start a fight by refusing to do as told by MIL and aunt-in-law, but why are we being dragged into this BS?

You would do something because MIL said to? How old are you?! I would tell MIL and AIL they're not the boss of me and go pound sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So stay out entirely? Or try to help poor shunned cousin?

We've gone though phases where we've ceased contact with MIL because the drama/narcissism/whatever undiagnosed personality disorders made him too miserable. Now we've all established boundaries and our own equilibrium through years of therapy. I hate to see history repeat itself and can't help wondering if my aunt-in-law may share some of MILs more toxic traits even though she always seems wonderful to us.

You and DH have had years of therapy and still don't know how to stand up for yourselves when it comes to elder family members?