Family Feud - stay out or wade in?

[Anonymous]

You are calling estranging yourself from a family member you have no issue with the way to AVOID drama? Wowzers. Maybe read that book Carolyn Hax is always recommending about boundaries, Life Skills for Adult Children.

[Anonymous]

OP, you continue to live your life. Period. You do not indulge the imaginary nonsense about your cousin being mentally ill. That is all. Your cousin doesn't need your "support" because nothing is actually happening here except in your MIL/Aunt's mind. If your cousin opens up to you, be a good listener. Don't spin things up.

[Anonymous]

I would restrict your contact with MIL and AIL
They're free to be on-again off again with your cousin, but you're not bound by their infighting

I had one situation where my cousin was engaged to a guy I worked with, and who I disliked.
I made the effort to be cordial towards him at her urging, but when she was fighting with him, she'd call and tell me to stop talking to him. I had to tell her straight that I wasn't about to cold shoulder the guy every time they had a tiff...
This is family, so unless the cousin acts out on YOU, just keep treating him as you always have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I typically lean towards avoiding family drama, but in the past there was an episode where my DH was the one being shunned by the family and I don't want to be the one standing by silently while someone else is being shut out.

We've been told a few times by MIL about how DH's cousin is so awful and having mental problems and calling his mother horrible names etc etc. The drama was to the point where it made me nervous because the cousin lives near us. Shortly afterwards, we saw the cousin for dinner and he's FINE. Maybe he's pissed at his mother, but he's not having hallucinations or anywhere near as described.

Now, we're being told to cut all contact, defriend on Facebook, etc because of the problems. I don't want to start a fight by refusing to do as told by MIL and aunt-in-law, but why are we being dragged into this BS? Shouldn't they instead be asking us to help repair this relationship as semi-neutral parties who live near the cousin and are the same age/life stage? I don't want to rock the boat, but I hate the idea that we're shunning this couple who may not have done anything worse that what my DH did to be shunned (which was not kissing MIL's ass during his parents' divorce). When my husband was shunned, one aunt stood up for him and a part of me feels like an ass for not having the guts to try to help.

What says DCUM? Wade in or butt out?

Shun MIL lol. She's angry at someone and needs to make herself right by having everyone mimic her behavior. Seriously? Mean girl middle school behavior.

[Anonymous]

You can help by not joining the drama and staying in contact with the shunned couple. The naysayers are loving the drama so saying something will fuel their fire.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I guess part of my issues is that personally feel like the right thing to do is check in with the cousin, see what's up and see if there's a way to help. Maybe smooth things over, let him no not everyone buys the BS, recommend a therapist or something...

DH doesn't seem to agree and I guess I need to just step away and let him handle his family how he wants.

I think I'm picturing what I would do with MY cousins, but maybe DH and his cousins aren't as close? Or maybe he's just been burned by family too many times to deal. If the cousins reached or to us we'd definitely try to help, but I wish DH would be more proactive than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I guess part of my issues is that personally feel like the right thing to do is check in with the cousin, see what's up and see if there's a way to help. Maybe smooth things over, let him no not everyone buys the BS, recommend a therapist or something...

DH doesn't seem to agree and I guess I need to just step away and let him handle his family how he wants.

I think I'm picturing what I would do with MY cousins, but maybe DH and his cousins aren't as close? Or maybe he's just been burned by family too many times to deal. If the cousins reached or to us we'd definitely try to help, but I wish DH would be more proactive than that.

Wow you really need to learn about boundaries. Yes stay in touch with the cousin, but do NOT offer to mediate or suggest counseling (!!). If they bring up the family drama you can say you're so sorry they're going through that, but don't insert yourself. Just be a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I guess part of my issues is that personally feel like the right thing to do is check in with the cousin, see what's up and see if there's a way to help. Maybe smooth things over, let him no not everyone buys the BS, recommend a therapist or something...

DH doesn't seem to agree and I guess I need to just step away and let him handle his family how he wants.

I think I'm picturing what I would do with MY cousins, but maybe DH and his cousins aren't as close? Or maybe he's just been burned by family too many times to deal. If the cousins reached or to us we'd definitely try to help, but I wish DH would be more proactive than that.

Your DH isn't a busybody. You are.