Feeling guilty about not helping faraway aging parents

[Anonymous]

My separated parents, who were very career-focused and did a bare-minimum job of raising my sister and me, live in the Middle East. They are now simultaneously aging fast and -- due unhealthy habits and lack of planning, deteriorating quickly and chaotically. My sister, who has always lived with my mom and who relies on my mom for almost all her financial and emotional needs, takes care of my mom by herself. (My sister refuses to get outside help because she doesn't like people in the house though my mom would love professional help.). My dad has ended up in the care of his aging sister who has made it clear she can't take him any longer. Although I believe their predicaments are partly their own fault and the result of fatalistic Arab culture, I feel bad that I am not with them to share the drama since I am in the US, ostensibly living a perfect life. I feel morally obligated to be more involved but the truth is I was never very close to my sister or father, and I try to help my mom as much as I can from afar. (She stayed with me for a few weeks last year for physiotherapy and I am with her in the Middle East right now to support her post-surgery). But I have two kids to focus on at home and both my husband and I work full-time in demanding jobs that barely cover our bills. So realistically I can't do much more without importing Middle-East style drama into our own lives. So... I guess I am looking for some moral guidance here. What do YOU think someone in my position should do/think/say?

[Anonymous]

Would your mother or father want to live here near you? Do they have any assets that could be sold for their care?

[Anonymous]

Do they have assets? What kind of safety net is there for people in their position with no children or family to look after them? If your mother doesn't have assets, and your sister is dependent on her, then is your sister going to become dependent on you?

What does your gut tell you to do? You have a lot of people's needs to balance. What do you mean you would import Middle-East style drama into your life if you tried to help more?

[Anonymous]

OP here. No neither of them wants to move and their local currency assets would be quickly depleted if they live in the US. They are not rich but they are financially secure with decent pensions and a couple of properties that can be rented out for income.

By Middle East drama I mean a cycle that families go through resulting from poor planning, lack of self-help and excessive reliance on 'God will provide.' It leads to stress,, poor health, mental illness etc and I am doing my best to leave that behind and not continue that cycle with my kids.

[Anonymous]

put your own family and children first.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you are with your mother right now says a lot about you. You can only do what you can afford to do. Whatever financial support you can provide your sister is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

You are not physically there (full time) , you are not familiar with the resources and social services available there to care for them. You are not able to take care of their affairs (like handling renting out their property). If your sister and aunt can handle it, then that is great, and you can offer to help financially if you feel you can.
Sounds like your aunt is not able/willing to handle your father on her own. Can you help her find/hire some help for him, both for his physical care and to handle his financial affairs?
Keep in contact with them the way you already seem to be doing, by visiting and staying in touch.

[Anonymous]

OP, how about you disown your parents and live your life with your own little family far away from their Middle East drama?! Will that make you happy???

I think you have an idea about what should be done but you are not willing to accept it or step up to the plate and claim your share of responsibility towards your parents.

From what I understand your parents are not rich so obviously they both had to work to provide for you and your sister yet you are blaming them for not being too involved in raising you along with your sister...

Your sister is willing to take care of your mother so what's the issue here ??? You want your mother to be thrown to a nursing home facility??? Be grateful that you have a sister who lives with your mother and closer to your father in the same country to check on both of them. Moving your parents to the US would be hard for the obvious financial reasons so I suggest you hire someone to take of your father and try to help financially your mother when needed.

Visit your parents when you can...call them more frequently to check on them....don't forget you have kids of your own and children learn from their parents...they will treat you the same way you treat your parents.

It's hard to live far away from aging parents, and not be there for them when you need them.

OP, it's ok to be mad at the lifestyle choices that may have contributed to their health issues...but they are your parents. They gave birth to you, so respect them and try your best. Family drama is always the same whether it's Arab or Greek.. just find a balance.