Facing raising a toddler, wanting to expand family and sick parent

[Anonymous]

Just a vent. Wish my parents had made better life choices and I wasn't straddled with caring for them at such a young age. I'm only 33 and dad is 55 and dying from liver cirrhosis. I have a toddler and wanted to expand my family and have another baby next year but am facing the decision whether or not to move to a 3 bedroom apt and move my Dad in during his final few year or two of life. Don't want him to die alone in another state, but also weary of this huge burden I'm going to be taking on. Dying from liver cirrhosis is one of the most painful and awful ways to go and I'm not sure I'm emotionally ready for this. It seems like the right thing to do, he's my Dad after all and even if he wasn't there for me this may be a chance to forge a new and closer relationship during his final moments here. I don't know that I can handle a new baby and taking care of my father at the same time but I'm also getting older and time is not on my side to have the 2-3 kids we wanted. Anyone been there with a newborn and ailing parent? How did it affect your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Have the baby. Move your Dad in (if you can). I sense some resentment over your Dads choices in life. I don't think you should hold back on expanding your family to take care of him. Move him in with you, or also talk to a care manager in his area on supports available to him. Does he want to move? Sometimes aging and frail parents are not ready to accept the help they need.

[Anonymous]

Have the baby and help your dad as much as you are comfortably able but no more.

[Anonymous]

What about your mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have the baby and help your dad as much as you are comfortably able but no more.

+1

And seek therapy. Your hope for a better relationship with him may or may not be founded in reality. Get some help setting boundaries and expectations with a less than stellar parent.

[Anonymous]

Don't expect him to be grateful that you put your life on hold/delayed a baby/took care of him if that's not his style. Dying people only have epiphanies in movies, IME. IRL, they are the same at the end as they were throughout their life.

[Anonymous]

I think you will be very disappointed if you make a big sacrifice like delaying having a child to care for your dad.

It's unlikely that he will be grateful or even appreciative of the enormity of what you're doing. Be prepared that if he's made a lifetime of bad choices to get to this place, it's unlikely to stop now. How would you feel if you give up time and money to care for him and he still drinks?

Give what you can with zero expectations. Anything else will end badly.

[Anonymous]

We are in our late 30s and early 40s with twins and wanting another and moved to another state to take care of my 85 year old father in law. The move has messed with my job prospects but we decided not to let us stopping from trying. I totally hear you with this vent! Taking care of a sick parent is rough but it sounds like your is tougher since he is so young. I agree about move him in with you and have a baby. He will pass and you need to take care of yourself. It is a balance.! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Have the baby. Not even a question.

[Anonymous]

Live your life for you, not for your dad. He has his life, and he lived his life for him. I'd help him find a place near you, and even offer a little financial support if necessary, but I wouldn't uproot my life, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

I did. I was 4 months pregnant with my second kid (also 33) when my FIL had a massive stroke that left him bedbound. After 4 months of rehab, he had nowhere to go - he couldn't be alone - so he moved it with us, and we gave him 24 hour care with the help of aides (that we paid). It was disastrous. We did too much - and it caused a lot of damage to our marriage, and our children. No one was grateful - not my FIL, or my husband's siblings (out of state). My husband finally put him in a nursing home, and things are much better.

The only positive out of it was that this experience made both my spouse/myself much more empathetic people. But we lost a lot too - mainly rest and peace of mind.

Please live your life - do what you can, but don't be a martyr. It is a thankless enterprise and its your own dreams that you quash in the process.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who had cirrhosis and lived a painful, yet completely normal life until they random day they died.

This disease is 100% because of his lifestyle CHOICES. Please don't let his poor choices be the determining factor to YOUR life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Live your life for you, not for your dad. He has his life, and he lived his life for him. I'd help him find a place near you, and even offer a little financial support if necessary, but I wouldn't uproot my life, I'm sorry.

This. Also, I know it sucks but it's not too late for kids. I had first at 38 and second at 41, all unassisted. You're only 33, so it's not that late.

[Anonymous]

Isn't the reason many people want kids so that they have someone to take care of them when they are sick and older? At least that's what everyone tells me when I say I don't want kids. Who will take care of me? Time to step up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Expand your family and think about your dad when the time comes. Your family comes first.

Where is your mom in all of this?