Child that lost a parent

[Anonymous]

My husband past away suddenly 2 weeks ago. My 8.5 year old son and I are trying to get back to "normal" this week with going back to school and work. Anyone out there lose a spouse? How old were your kids? How long did it take to seem like things were somewhat normal again? I'm lost.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to reach out and say I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. I can not begin to imagine what you must be going through.

I have not had the experience of losing a parent so young, but I've been a teacher of students who lost a parent at about that age. What I found is that after a couple of weeks, most kids experience grief cyclically throughout the day. They have periods when they are fine, most often in settings where they weren't used to having their parents present (e.g. school, soccer team, a playdate), and times when they were very sad and needed a lot of support. The settings where they did well were important, because they allowed the kid to experience a break from the intensity of their feelings. Even in those settings, the kids were more fragile, less inattentive, and less likely to remember details, but they did pretty well. Because of this, I'd encourage you to try and get your son back to school, and into other routines as soon as you can manage.

You may also find that having a break from his grief allows you to focus on your own, and it might be quite healing for you. I imagine that you're feeling torn in two right now, between the immensity of your own feelings, and your desire to protect and focus on your son.

I'll also say that the grief counselors at the Wendt center made an amazing difference for both kids who I have seen go through this. If you aren't connected with them, or another center specializing in grief, I encourage you to reach out.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. You just have to find a new normal.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I have not lost a spouse, I can only comment from the standpoint of being a child when my father died very suddenly. 2 weeks is a good time to start back to what will now be the 'new normal' routine.

I remember just wanting all the kids and teachers at school to treat me normally and not give me looks of pity. I didn't want to talk about it I just wanted to have a normal day at school because going home was no longer ever going to be normal.

At home, I would say do your best to set the tone for the 'new normal'. Your kids will likely get into the physical aspect of the routine pretty quickly and it will look like they are moving past the grief but internally they may still be struggling - just not sure how best to express those emotions. I know that I just didn't know how to grieve at that age and I didn't outwardly express it until years later in my teens.

I wish you and your family well during this difficult time.

[Anonymous]

The wendt center is fantastic - my sons school does a group with them for kids who have struggled with loss, and it has been so helpful for my son. He didn't lose a parent, but has lost a few family members very suddenly, and the counselor is amazing and has been a wonderful resource for our family.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP. You just have to find a new normal.

This. It's never going to be the old normal. You're going to have to create a new normal. Every first will be hard. First vacation without him, first winter holiday, all the milestones. A new normal.

[Anonymous]

Very sorry, op. I was 18 when my mom died, so quite a bit older than your son, but just wanted to say two weeks in is still very early and when things are still raw. My heart goes out to you and your child.

[Anonymous]

Op, my heart goes out to you! I just want to wish you peace and I hope things do get back to normal as soon as possible.

[littlestarsmum]

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, girl. My heart goes out to you at this time, and I wish I could give you a hug. I know how difficult and painful it must be for you. I’d suggest you consider counseling. I just said a prayer for you and your son, and I hope that God will surround you with His comfort and heal you whenever you hurt. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

My son's best friend lost his father - very suddenly while on holiday. It happened two years ago when the boy was about 9.5 years old. We met him just after it happened. The first six months to a year he was in shock and would start crying whenever my son mentioned his dad and he wanted to talk about his own dad a lot. His biggest concern was and continues to be his mom. He is very protective of her and worries about her a lot.

One thing his mom did the first year, which I really admire, is she kept him really busy with friends and family. Hardly a week went by without visitors. He joined my son's soccer team so that we could collect him with my son a few times a week after school so he didn't have to go home to the nanny. She reached out to a lot of people at school and organized playdates so now he has a huge group of friends in our area. Because they were fairly new to the area, she told all the parents and made sure the school knew he had lost his dad so they wouldn't ask questions and would be extra sensitive.

It's obviously never going to be normal but they have both gotten through it and both of them seem to be in a very good place at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh op, I am so sorry. Huge hugs to both you and your son. I wish I could personally help you if I was in the area. I will also pray for peace for you all.

[Anonymous]

OP, so sorry for your loss. Just this morning I was listening to Katie Couric's podcast interview with Sheryl Sandberg and her co-author (can't remember his name right now) on the book Option B. She talked a lot about coping with the loss of her husband and some of her approaches with her kids. I lost my father at age 11 and a lot of what she said resonated with me.

I know that Sandberg is a somewhat divisive figure, but thought that I would mention it in case you hadn't already heard about it.

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to you OP. My crutch is always therapy. Someone who's seen a lot of it before and who can help give me healthy guidance when I feel like I'm stumbling. If I lost my husband, that would be the first place I turned. "Hey, what should I do for my son? Is it ok to do this? What should I do for me?" And so on.

I'm so sorry. Big hugs.