Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general

[Anonymous]

We have our only in Early intervention, and have for almost 1.5 years. My child is 2.5 years old, so smart and lovely. Had a tongue tie that took the first month of life to resolve, was a little shrimp until 6 months, and then after a long slog was diagnosed with hypotonia. I believe that had the tie been fixed quicker my kid might have developed at a more typical rate but maybe that's just my crazy talking. After not moving literally at all, with pt my baby now crawls, walks, runs, climbs a bit, jumps, and takes a "swim" class where splashing and kicking is the order of the day. My child talks a lot, and loves drawing on pads and an easel with crayons and colored pencils. I'm proud and feel lucky.

But. DH loves his kiddo but works of course so the therapy is all me. We have had providers move and I've had to find new ones, to find playgroups, to navigate SAH life in an extremely expensive competitive area (not D.C.). We are always under financial stress. DH has a tendency towards depression and is underpaid. He occasionally malingers and claims to be sick in lieu of going to work- I truly think of ending my life when he pulls that. True and literal suicidal thoughts - to have no job and a small SN kid and then a DH decide nah, no work, is a feeling of being trapped that i cannot even describe. It makes me disgusted beyond language. And I have sought work, made it to phone interviews, but nothing is panning out. I scan and apply to stuff weekly. I know it's not enough.

Also, my kid is extremely strong-willed. The terrible twos mean screaming into my ears and then for 40 minutes when I try to force a nap. I need the break and a 2.5 year old should nap. I have broken down at times and screamed at my poor kid to shut up. I tried so hard to not be insane but nothing stops it and it's not crying but sustained shrieking. I've never heard of a kid doing that kind of psychotic sustained screaming at that age. Pediatrician finds nothing wrong and our agency wants to reduce the pt sessions. Besides the intensity of the fits nothing makes my child present as at all unusual at this rate.

I've posted before and am in counseling to deal with my strain. I feel absolutely miserable in my marriage (he won't express himself, won't seek depression help or enter counseling, won't put himself out there seriously to get a higher paid job, drinks too much on occasion, and is in terrible shape. We are in most of those respects opposite. I do not think I have any real love for him.). I dream of finding work, my own apartment, and a small, manageable, beautiful apartment. I am already in my 40s, am no great beauty, and accept if I divorce it is very unlikely I will find another man. But I don't care for this one.

Has anyone heard of any one in such dire straits who made it to be other side and found happiness 0of any kind? I do think the whole strain of my child needing services added to things but I'm so drained and sad all the time. All the time. I just want to be heard, and away from my spouse.

[Anonymous]

If he is no longer SN, why keep him in services. That's great he has outgrown the concerns. Two is two..... what you re describing is normal. I SAH but not everyone is cut out for it. Maybe you should get a job, even part-time and get child into day care. And, go to your primary care and get some medication for depression.

[Anonymous]

I'm applying and looking. Do you have a SN kid? I'm trying to do what's right for my kid, and hold it get her. Your response is glib - hope I can say it without inviting a fight.

[Anonymous]

^^ hold it together I mean

[Anonymous]

NP. I think maybe the previous feels glib to you because it makes the solution sound simple. But truly the steps are simple, though I'm sure it will be a struggle. The life you describe, on it's surface, is not that bad. It feels unbearable to you because you are depressed. So, yes, get some treatment for that. It will take time but it will be worthwhile. Also, find whatever job you can to make some more space for you in your life. That will also help. Then reassess.

Saying you want to kill yourself is a very big deal. Please get some help.

[Anonymous]

PP. Just wanted to add that depression is not just a feeling. It is also a way of thinking. You may very well be happier in a life away from your spouse but there is no ay to know for sure until you get some help for your depression.

Also, your child may not actually be that atypical, but it feels unbearable to you because you are facing a hard task, raising a 2 year old, while depressed.

[Anonymous]

Thank you pps. I am seeing a counselor and have told her about the depth of my feeling. We are discussing mess and I will revisit this week. My life feels actually objectively bleak to me but I guess that may be my illness in motion. But the contours of having been in the SN slog with a resistant and in-denial spouse, who himself refuses treatment and is withholding and malingering, is frankly fucking awful. My closer friends have not ever dealt with a kid with any sNs or an intensely depressed spouse - the whole "I won't go to work" thing is a big deal and a marriage ruinef, for most people I'd think- apart from the depression I am in.

[Anonymous]

^ meds

[Anonymous]

New poster. I'm struck more by your attitude toward your husband than what you relate about being an SN mom.

Your husband's occasional "mental health days" (you choose to label them as malingering, the most extreme way to look at them) are so common and so commonplace, it's truly difficult to understand why they are agony for you or why they cause you such anxiety. He has an SN child too -- right?

I don't really understand why you are so hard on him. Can you explain?

[Anonymous]

^ marriage ruiner

My counselor has actually encouraged me to divorce, along with stepping up a job search. It's hard to search both I'm sure because of how I feel, but also because money is so tight l cannot afford any help at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you pps. I am seeing a counselor and have told her about the depth of my feeling. We are discussing mess and I will revisit this week. My life feels actually objectively bleak to me but I guess that may be my illness in motion. But the contours of having been in the SN slog with a resistant and in-denial spouse, who himself refuses treatment and is withholding and malingering, is frankly fucking awful. My closer friends have not ever dealt with a kid with any sNs or an intensely depressed spouse - the whole "I won't go to work" thing is a big deal and a marriage ruinef, for most people I'd think- apart from the depression I am in.

This is so extreme that you sound hysterical. How could an occasional sick day ruin your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you pps. I am seeing a counselor and have told her about the depth of my feeling. We are discussing mess and I will revisit this week. My life feels actually objectively bleak to me but I guess that may be my illness in motion. But the contours of having been in the SN slog with a resistant and in-denial spouse, who himself refuses treatment and is withholding and malingering, is frankly fucking awful. My closer friends have not ever dealt with a kid with any sNs or an intensely depressed spouse - the whole "I won't go to work" thing is a big deal and a marriage ruinef, for most people I'd think- apart from the depression I am in.

This is so extreme that you sound hysterical. How could an occasional sick day ruin your marriage?

He's hungover, not sick, and doing that sometimes 4x a month. Sorry, I'm not being clear. Can you please not post here if you're wanting to light into me, though? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP -- getting on meds, even for short term for yourself, is not as big of a deal as you may think. Perhaps you think it is a personal failing that you are depressed or need meds... but it's not. When I confessed similar feelings to my doctor, she told me flat-out that she hears it all day long from most moms she sees. That made me feel better, just knowing that depression is so common. I took zoloft for about a year and then decided to stop. It seriously changed my mood, attitude and outlook on my problems. I still have problems, but I know now that I don't have to count a chemical brain imbalance as one of my problems. Please take the meds.

Whether you divorce or not may become clearer after you get yourself stabilized.

[Anonymous]

Your husband has a drinking problem. Leave him. This really has nothing to do with your being a special needs mom, his calling in sick, or anything else under the sun.

Don't bury the lead, OP. I'm not saying this to light into you. You can't make it work with an alcoholic. Time to leave. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm applying and looking. Do you have a SN kid? I'm trying to do what's right for my kid, and hold it get her. Your response is glib - hope I can say it without inviting a fight.

Yes, I do. Child has been in therapies for 5 years and its been a very expensive and costly thing. You do what you need to do but if you are not managing being home well, it may be best for you to work part-time given the situation. It sounds like child is going through figure out the world and the normal two stage. Some people love the stage, some don't. We did therapies 5 days a week, plus a specialize preschool and activities. Depending on the child for us it got better around age 6, but still some minor delays. You are at the worst of it and the depression is a huge barrier. It is exhausting being a driver to therapies, preschool, activities while everyone else is going to playdates and activities that are fun. I liked being home and my husband has slowly increased his income so my going back became a choice (after we got school aged). If you are not happy, your child will not be happy and there is a balance of your needs vs. your child's. Sometimes doing what is best for you is what is best for your child.