Reply to Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler

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[quote=Anonymous]We have our only in Early intervention, and have for almost 1.5 years.   My child is 2.5 years old, so smart and lovely.  Had a tongue tie that took the first month of life to resolve, was a little shrimp until 6 months, and then after a long slog was diagnosed with hypotonia.  I believe that had the tie been fixed quicker my kid might have developed at a more typical rate but maybe that's just my crazy talking.  After not moving literally at all, with pt my baby now crawls, walks, runs, climbs a bit, jumps, and takes a "swim" class where splashing and kicking is the order of the day.  My child talks a lot, and loves drawing on pads and an easel with crayons and colored pencils.  I'm proud and feel lucky.

But.  DH loves his kiddo but works of course so the therapy is all me.  We have had providers move and I've had to find new ones, to find playgroups, to navigate SAH life in an extremely expensive competitive area (not D.C.).  We are always under financial stress.  DH has a tendency towards depression and is underpaid.  He occasionally malingers and claims to be sick in lieu of going to work- I truly think of ending my life when he pulls that.  True and literal suicidal thoughts - to have no job and a small SN kid and then a DH decide nah, no work, is a feeling of being trapped that i cannot even describe.  It makes me disgusted beyond language.  And I have sought work, made it to phone interviews, but nothing is panning out.  I scan and apply to stuff weekly.  I know it's not enough.

Also, my kid is extremely strong-willed.  The terrible twos mean screaming into my ears and then for 40 minutes when I try to force a nap.  I need the break and a 2.5 year old should nap.  I have broken down at times and screamed at my poor kid to shut up.  I tried so hard to not be insane but nothing stops it and it's not crying but sustained shrieking.  I've never heard of a kid doing that kind of psychotic sustained screaming at that age.  Pediatrician finds nothing wrong and our agency wants to reduce the pt sessions.  Besides the intensity of the fits nothing makes my child present as at all unusual at this rate.

I've posted before and am in counseling to deal with my strain.  I feel absolutely miserable in my marriage (he won't express himself, won't seek depression help or enter counseling, won't put himself out there seriously to get a higher paid job, drinks too much on occasion, and is in terrible shape.  We are in most of those respects opposite.  I do not think I have any real love for him.). I dream of finding work, my own apartment, and a small, manageable, beautiful apartment.  I am already in my 40s, am no great beauty, and accept if I divorce it is very unlikely I will find another man.  But I don't care for this one.

Has anyone heard of any one in such dire straits who made it to be other side and found happiness 0of any kind?  I do think the whole strain of my child needing services added to things but I'm so drained and sad all the time.  All the time.  I just want to be heard, and away from my spouse.[/quote]

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