Rude to tell someone you passed through their city without calling?

[Anonymous]

Last week I was on a family road trip and we stopped for a couple hours at an attraction near the home of my former co-worker / casual friend, before continuing to our destination. I "owe" my friend an email and I'd like to tell her how much we enjoyed her town.

There was no point in contacting her while we were there -- it was a weekday, I didn't know what time we'd arrive, and the whole point was to run some kids to exhaustion and then get back on the road. But now I feel odd saying, "I was within a mile of you last week and didn't even try to see you!" Should I just not mention it?

[Anonymous]

It wouldn't bother me, in fact, it would be fun talking about familiar place that you stopped by. I guess it depends on your friend.

[Anonymous]

This actually caused the end of a friendship for me. My friend from Florida, who I hadn't seen in awhile, came to the DC area to visit another one of her friends, was here for three or four days, and didn't call me or suggest lunch or anything, even just to see each other for an hour or two.

I found out later when she casually mentioned seeing something around here, I think it was the leaves changing or something. Like, "The leaves were beautiful when I was up there visiting my friend Trudy in November."

I was kind of stunned, called her out on it, she said she didn't have time, or whatever, but it was lame.

It was a long distance friendship at that point anyway, but you know, FB friends or whatever, but that was the end of it for me. I didn't make a big deal of it, just backed off and stayed backed off.

For what it's also worth, I've been back to the town in FL where we knew each other a few times since then and wouldn't let her know I was coming or that I was there if my life depended on it.

Thinking about it now (it was like five years ago) I guess the friendship must have been kind of weak anyway at that point for it to be over so easily for me.

[Anonymous]

I would not mention it. If you are not close enough that you would have called, you have no need to bring it up now. Find something else to email about.

[Anonymous]

Similar to PP, I had a friend come to DC for several days (4?) with her husband and child for spring break. She told me afterward and said something like she knew I'd understand not meeting up. Um, no, not really. I would have been happy to meet them at one of their stops on their itinerary rather than making them take time out to meet up with me. In your situation with it being such a short stop, you're probably ok mentioning it, but if you don't think it will come up again or you'll slip, then I wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

I am PP whose friendship ended. If she had not ever mentioned it to me that would have been a whole lot better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am PP whose friendship ended. If she had not ever mentioned it to me that would have been a whole lot better.

She probably slipped up.
I have gone to a town for a short trip (2 days) to help a friend pack her house after a divorce. My other friend lived in this town and I didn't call. I knew I wouldn't have time and my divorcing friend needed help. There are reasons people do these things sometimes and sure, it might be better if she explained. For me though, it was best to simply pretend like I hadn't been there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last week I was on a family road trip and we stopped for a couple hours at an attraction near the home of my former co-worker / casual friend, before continuing to our destination. I "owe" my friend an email and I'd like to tell her how much we enjoyed her town.

There was no point in contacting her while we were there -- it was a weekday, I didn't know what time we'd arrive, and the whole point was to run some kids to exhaustion and then get back on the road. But now I feel odd saying, "I was within a mile of you last week and didn't even try to see you!" Should I just not mention it?

What about posting pictures on Facebook if you are in someone's town but they were elementary school friends and you have not seen them since the reunion? I have a friend in Europe. I tried to reach out twice when I was in her city but both times she was out of town. This last time I saw she was out of town in Facebook so I felt free to post my pics. Should I have messaged her? She said to stop by if I ever come (could just be totally polite) but we exchanged messages and she gave recommendations before. Not sure if it was rude of me not to reach out but I saw she was on vacation. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Don't mention it. You were within a mile of her and didn't think to email or text to see if she wanted to stop by on a coffee break and give you a hug? How often do you seeeachother? I would be pretty offended.

On the other hand, I live in Arlington and am not really offended when people I'm not super close with don't reach out. There's so much to do here and I don't live in the city anymore. But it definitely signals the end of a friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't mention it. You were within a mile of her and didn't think to email or text to see if she wanted to stop by on a coffee break and give you a hug? How often do you seeeachother? I would be pretty offended.

On the other hand, I live in Arlington and am not really offended when people I'm not super close with don't reach out. There's so much to do here and I don't live in the city anymore. But it definitely signals the end of a friendship.

Sometimes you're in town for a very specific purpose - a wedding (and all the pre wedding stuff), to help a sick/hospitalized relative or friend, maybe you're there to attend a funeral and support grieving family/friends, etc. Your days may be booked and you really may have zero time to get together with anyone.

I would be really sad if a friend assumed the worst of me and held something like that against me. I would tell them that I was in town and why I was in town. I would hope that they would understand that I had no time to get together for chit chat - even though I would have loved that.

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked that people get offended over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked that people get offended over this.

Me too. It sounds as though Op was truly just passing by and stopped briefly on her way to another destination. No way would I expect a friend to call me under those circumstances. Nor would I necessarily want to drop everything I was in the middle of to dash over to meet them for maybe 15 minutes before they had to get back on the road....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked that people get offended over this.

+1. PP who dumped her friend is a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't mention it. You were within a mile of her and didn't think to email or text to see if she wanted to stop by on a coffee break and give you a hug? How often do you seeeachother? I would be pretty offended.

On the other hand, I live in Arlington and am not really offended when people I'm not super close with don't reach out. There's so much to do here and I don't live in the city anymore. But it definitely signals the end of a friendship.

Sometimes you're in town for a very specific purpose - a wedding (and all the pre wedding stuff), to help a sick/hospitalized relative or friend, maybe you're there to attend a funeral and support grieving family/friends, etc. Your days may be booked and you really may have zero time to get together with anyone.

I would be really sad if a friend assumed the worst of me and held something like that against me. I would tell them that I was in town and why I was in town. I would hope that they would understand that I had no time to get together for chit chat - even though I would have loved that.

Of course I would totally understand if someone was in town for a specific purpose and had no free time! But it sounds like OP was just hanging out at a playground, letting the kids run around and grabbing lunch etc. Even if she wasn't able to estimate the exact time she would be there, she could have given the friend a heads up and then texted when they got there. If it didn't work out, no biggie. But since it didn't happen, she should just keep her mouth closed about how she was less than a mile away and didn't think to reach out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't mention it. You were within a mile of her and didn't think to email or text to see if she wanted to stop by on a coffee break and give you a hug? How often do you seeeachother? I would be pretty offended.

On the other hand, I live in Arlington and am not really offended when people I'm not super close with don't reach out. There's so much to do here and I don't live in the city anymore. But it definitely signals the end of a friendship.

Sometimes you're in town for a very specific purpose - a wedding (and all the pre wedding stuff), to help a sick/hospitalized relative or friend, maybe you're there to attend a funeral and support grieving family/friends, etc. Your days may be booked and you really may have zero time to get together with anyone.

I would be really sad if a friend assumed the worst of me and held something like that against me. I would tell them that I was in town and why I was in town. I would hope that they would understand that I had no time to get together for chit chat - even though I would have loved that.

Of course I would totally understand if someone was in town for a specific purpose and had no free time! But it sounds like OP was just hanging out at a playground, letting the kids run around and grabbing lunch etc. Even if she wasn't able to estimate the exact time she would be there, she could have given the friend a heads up and then texted when they got there. If it didn't work out, no biggie. But since it didn't happen, she should just keep her mouth closed about how she was less than a mile away and didn't think to reach out.

I would guess the friend was dealing with rowdy kids in the car which is why she pulled over to let them run off energy in the first place. She was also planning to get right back on the road after they ran around a bit.

I think it would be way worse to text a friend "I'm at the park - meet me" knowing that you fully intended to get back on the road after 10 or 15 minutes of run around time.