Help--DH depressed after baby

[Anonymous]

We have an eight week old at home and my DH is not doing well. He says he's horribly guilty about how little he helps and going to work and leaving me everyday. He thinks the baby is difficult and says that the crying makes him want to break out in hives. He does help but we're both surprised at how much this is on me bc I'm nursing. Things are just going south fast and I don't know how I help him or handle this. I'm also recently on the bright side of some baby blues and in the thick of baby care so feel anger towards him along w sympathy depending on the day/hour. How can I help him get it together? He's taking this v hard.

[Anonymous]

I have read that men can actually get postpartum depression. No advice, but hugs!

This might be too much for him to snap out of without help. And that's okay!

[Anonymous]

How is he with the baby alone? My dh sucked but I would force him to take baby for a walk when he walked in the door from work so I could have a break - I still resent his lack of help five years later though ...

[Anonymous]

Deep breaths. It will be okay for both of you. Certainly he can see a doctor, consider therapy or medication. It also might just take time.
The first 6 months were really, REALLY hard on my husband. It was such a shift, and like your husband, wanted to be helpful, but felt very helpless during yet another night of multiple wake ups or early evening colic sessions.
As baby gets a bit older, it will get much easier. While you'll still be nursing, he can help with solid foods. All of you should start getting better sleep, too.
Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Not pushing you one way or the other but I suggest it'd be ok to re-consider nursing. Then there wouldn't be the same amount of built-in all-on-you.

That said, I also think there's actually quite a lot for the non-breastfeeder to do. And I'd strongly second the above post about making sure he has one-on-one time with the baby. It will also make him feel more confident and helpful.

Now all THAT said I'm kind of more responding to the complaints you state and that you say he states. If he's really suffering depression issues my suggestions may be off the mark. A trip to doc may be in order. I'm not meaning to dismiss his mental health state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have read that men can actually get postpartum depression. No advice, but hugs!

This might be too much for him to snap out of without help. And that's okay!

+1.

Men can get depression postpartum. It sounds like he should talk to someone who knows about this stuff. OP, if you're in DC, I'd recommend the Center for Maternal Wellness in Tenleytown. Their therapists are great with everything related to new babies and parenting.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry that you are struggling. My hubby worked with all of ours to, but the thing I have noticed with my grown sons is the extra paternity leave and the way they really did love to feed them- with bottles and breast milk - and they stepped up and learned fast it did make it easier on mom, and a few times a day will help you both. Many blessings

[Anonymous]

Is your DH taking paternity leave after your maternity leave ends? That was key for us. DH took 4 weeks (LWOP and annual leave) off after I went back and he was excellent. I really think it set him up for being an involved and able father.

There is still so much he can do even if you're nursing. I wouldn't stop nursing because of that.

[Anonymous]

DH went through something similar when DD was still very young and I was on maternity leave. I don't know if it's possible for your family but DH was able to take a few weeks of paternity leave when I went back to work and it was amazing for his relationship with DD and his confidence as a father. Me not being around to help him or interfere helped him figure out how to take care of DD solo. Now at 4 months, he's just as good at comforting DD as I am and sometimes better. I'm still on nursing duty when we're all home from work/daycare and overnight but he can do all of the non-feeding stuff with DD.

Another thing I ran into is around 2.5 months, my boobs stopped being a magical cure all for DD. Up til then, if she was fussy, a boob in her mouth would cure it so our go to was always for me to try nursing her. After 2.5 months, she didn't really want to comfort nurse any more so I was no longer the only source of comfort for her, she needed more things like bouncing, singing, etc that DH could do just as well as I could. That was a big change for us in that she's just as likely to want daddy now as mommy when she's fussy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have an eight week old at home and my DH is not doing well. He says he's horribly guilty about how little he helps and going to work and leaving me everyday. He thinks the baby is difficult and says that the crying makes him want to break out in hives. He does help but we're both surprised at how much this is on me bc I'm nursing. Things are just going south fast and I don't know how I help him or handle this. I'm also recently on the bright side of some baby blues and in the thick of baby care so feel anger towards him along w sympathy depending on the day/hour. How can I help him get it together? He's taking this v hard.

[Anonymous]

PPD - not just for women. Have him talk to a counselor or therapist. No one talks about the adjustment for fathers, save for the tongue in cheek jokes about how one must tip toe around their wives. It's a hard time as a family, and it's okay to acknowledge that and seek help. His role in the world has changed too..

[Anonymous]

I'm a father of three now and I have a ton of sympathy for your husband. I remember one Sunday afternoon thinking "I've never been this tired in my entire life, and if I had been, I would have just gone to bed early and the problem will be solved by morning. Instead, I will feel like this for the next six months."

And, yes, it was way worse for my wife.

It will get better. I think that's the main reason why newborns are the most difficult, as it's almost impossible to imagine at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a father of three now and I have a ton of sympathy for your husband. I remember one Sunday afternoon thinking "I've never been this tired in my entire life, and if I had been, I would have just gone to bed early and the problem will be solved by morning. Instead, I will feel like this for the next six months."

And, yes, it was way worse for my wife.

It will get better. I think that's the main reason why newborns are the most difficult, as it's almost impossible to imagine at the time.

This was our reason for sleep training... things were going downhill fast and we were getting so that we couldn't function driving or working. It worked like a charm and baby never woke up again at night. I felt like a new person after sleeping through the night.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman married to another woman, but when my DW had our son, she EBF him until we introduced solids. I took only about 10 days of leave before I had to return to work, but here are some things that I did to help feel useful:

- When DS woke in the night, I always changed him before handing him off. Then, I would usually take him out of our room (he was in a co-sleeper by the bed) after the second night feeding. I'd hold him or put him in the rock and play while he and DW slept from about 4 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. or so.
- I took him out for walks, sometimes more than one a day. It was our special time together.
- I did all the things that needed doing around the house - I cleaned, I cooked, I prepared food when visitors came over. I stepped in to tell people when visitors needed to hold off, especially in the beginning when we had trouble getting him to nurse.


If you are lucky enough to have enough milk to pump, allow DH to take over one of the night feedings (this wasn't an option for us as DW had a low supply).

[Anonymous]

Eight weeks is a rough time, I would like to point out. In another week or two, you should have a bit less fuss and more smiles and interaction. That helps a ton.

Ask DH to take a depression screening--look up the edinburgh scale online or another one (that one is for PPD).

My DH both times had a horrible time going back to work. He felt really sad and guilty not being home with me and our babies--he really wanted to be. And between the pressure of work and the interrupted sleep (because he did help at night, it was time with the baby and I wasn't good with sleep deprivation), he cracked easily and just wasn't all that pleasant.

I agree with others recommending one on one time with the baby. I usually left DH and the baby for long enough to go grocery shopping on Saturday mornings. Walks are good too.

The baby will get easier though, which I think will help all of it.