Mother's Day. Feeling slighted.
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Anonymous
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This is sort of a weird situation and I'm not sure how to go forward. My husband works really long and odd hours (medical field) and often works holidays and weekends. He's worked all Mother's Days since we've been married (10yr) until last year. It was MY first Mother's Day with him off last year, but his mom made a huge fuss so we spent the whole day with her.
And I am NOT one to celebrate holidays. I just don't care. I understand they were mostly made up by card companies, etc. Or, I guess I thought I didn't. My husband is off again this year. Today, out of the blue, he mentions that, "I think I'm going to invite my mom to brunch at "fancy restaurant" for Mother's Day." Just his mom and him, not me, not the kids. He knows I'm not the brunch type, I know I'm not the brunch type, but I can't help but feel a little ticked off. I'm feeling really unappreciated. He made no mention of doing anything at all for me. I'm not the jealous type, and this is really out of the ordinary, but I am so jealous that he didn't think to do something I would enjoy and invite me. Or think to spend the day WITH me and the kids. I just yelled at him because I'm upset. I think we are both shocked. I don't want him to cancel his plans with his mom, but I'm sort of feeling a little spiteful of her and upset with him. Am I overthinking? |
Anonymous
| No - he needs to hear you are disappointed and feeling taken for granted. So sorry! I'd be super upset too--my dh does pretty much nothing for Mother's Day and I'm determined to stay off of Facebook this year so that I am not disappointed!! |
Anonymous
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The usual thinking around here is that if you have expectations of your partner, you've got to spell them out. That's ESPECIALLY true if your current expectations are out of character for you. (Like, how would your husband possibly anticipate that you want brunch if you've never wanted brunch before?)
Wanting to feel appreciated can be different than wanting brunch in your honor, though. Maybe you can go back and say to him, "I've realized that I don't need or want brunch, but I do need to feel appreciated. Can we have a date night at the casino on Saturday?" (There's an ad on my sidebar for the Maryland Live Casino. I have no idea how you would want to be appreciated.) |
Anonymous
+1 to all of this. I immediately thought that line in the movie 'I want you to want to wash the dishes'. It's not about actually doing the dishes - or the brunch - it's about wanting to do something to show you love and appreciate the other person. |
Anonymous
No, no. I absolutely don't want brunch! I don't want anything. I'm just sad he didn't plan a day for me with the kids, but instead, planned another day with his mom again. I would have been happy with a day sleeping in and not having to make lunches and occupying kids or breaking up little fights lol know what I mean. Like I said, it's my first mom's day with him home! And I didn't know I even wanted anything until just today! |
Anonymous
Yes! This exactly. I don't even know how I would want to be appreciated. I didn't even know I would feel unappreciated! This is all so odd! |
Anonymous
You just contradicted yourself in the span of a few sentences. Pick which one you want. Clearly and calmly explain that to your husband. |
Anonymous
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From now on, he needs to DISCUSS ideas like this with you before he executes. You get input; you get first right of refusal.
He should have said, "Since you don't care about Mother's Day, what do you think of me taking my mom to brunch alone?" Then, you would have said, no let's all go together, or no, I want just our nuclear family to get donut holes and go to the park, or whatever. Sorry, OP! Tough one. |
Anonymous
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His mom made a fuss. he knows mother's day is important to her.
You don't really celebrate holidays. Maybe you have said things that have made him think celebrating Mother's day isn't important to you. You need to tell him actually this holiday is important and you want him to plan something for you. |
Anonymous
I guess I just didn't realize we were celebrating this year. I don't know how to explain it. It was like any other day until I realized he'd be off spoiling his mom. Now I wish I would have spoken up. But I didn't know I'd feel this way! It's too late now, he's apparently already made reservations and arranged times with his mom. I don't want him to hurt her feelings and not go. I want him to treat her. I just wish he had thought to treat me too. |
Anonymous
OP here again and yes, this is all so true. Next year, I'll be sure he knows. |
Anonymous
| He's doing brunch with his mom. Ask him to plan something fun for dinner for you and your family. |
Anonymous
Brunch is at 2 and an hour away. Will he really want to eat dinner afterward to appease me? Probably not! |
Anonymous
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Possible ways to discuss this:
"I'd like to spend time with you and the kids on Mother's Day too. Can we come along?" "Will you take me to dinner on Mother's Day?" "It's important to me that the kids learn to express gratitude for all the things you and I do around here. How about we show them how to do that by acknowledging mothers and Father's Day in some form? What do you think?" |
Anonymous
| So why didn't you say something last year? I feel like you are just whining to whine, what have you done about it except complain in an anonymous forum? You can't expect him to read your mind. Guys are pretty dense sometimes. How do you handle other issues that come up in your marriage? Sounds like you do not communicate very well with each other. |