Separating and feel like a failure - vent

[Anonymous]

DCUM, please be kind.

I've posted a lot on this forum about my marriage travails. In the four years we've been married, the unforgivable (cheating) and the intolerable (emotional abuse) have occurred. It's no way to live, I know, and *of course* I never dreamed my husband would treat me this way. But he did. Now I'm about to leave him with two small children and I feel like a failure, like a loser. This was not what I dreamt for myself or my kids. I'm heartbroken and so angry.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. You aren't a failure or a loser. At each moment in our lives, we need to choose the best path we can, depending on all the circumstances that surround us. Your decision today may not be the same as it was 10 years ago, and so on.

IMO, you have children now. And they need protection, and nurture, and love, and stability. I can't imagine it's easy to get all that in a house where one parent is emotionally abusive to the other. So without knowing details of your situation, I'd say you are making a strong and healthy decision to leave an abusive household.

And let me just say one more thing, after my getting some insight into my brother's abusive relationship with his ex-wife. He's so emotionally abusive that he has her believing at times that she's a bad mother, etc. He knows how to push her buttons to get the emotional reaction he wants. Realize that the same could be happening to you. Your husband's abuse, at the very least, can lead you to have low self-esteem and really doubt these decisions you are making. Time and distance will help restore some clarity if this is the case.

The only thing I'd recommend, if you can swing it, is therapy for you and/or the kids. That will help you through this transition with some strong support. This won't be the easiest thing in the world to do, but when you get to the other side, free(r) from the verbal abuse, then I bet things seem way more clear and way more "right" to you. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

That moment before you actually jump out of the plane is the hardest. But you do have a parachute and will be fine. It won't be easy, but it will be fine. You'll land on your feet.

But right now it just sucks.

[Anonymous]

OP, all of what PP said.

Try to reframe: you are making a strong and brave decision. I was in a marriage with similar soul-crushing dynamics, and I stayed until my kids were 11. I should have left much sooner.

I heard this - http://www.npr.org/2017/05/02/526514168/why-social-media-isnt-always-very-social - the other day. It may or may not pertain to your situation, but (among other things) it was a reminder that you really never know what's going on in other people's lives.

Be thoughtful and deliberate and true to yourself given your circumstances. Keep the shame at bay the best you can.

[Anonymous]

It does suck now, but you don't know what great things might lie ahead. I'm divorced, too, although not with kids, and I also felt like a failure. It's a natural feeling. It will pass and you will be better off than before. I'm so much happier NOW than I ever imagined I would be.

[Anonymous]

You are not a failure! Your STBX is a jerk. You are protecting yourself from further abuse and setting a good example for your children. They need to know that no one deserves to be treated that way.

I felt the exact same way at first. But therapy helped and I realized that even if I never remarried, being alone was better than having my spirit crapped on daily.

Good luck! Internet hugs!

[Anonymous]

OP, you post whenever you feel you need to. There isn't a person on this board who has never felt like a failure because of a relationship issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've posted a lot on this forum about my marriage travails.

I think you should take the energy you put into your numerous posts and apply it to your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've posted a lot on this forum about my marriage travails.

I think you should take the energy you put into your numerous posts and apply it to your relationship.

I've put all the energy I can into the relationship. It is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've posted a lot on this forum about my marriage travails.

I think you should take the energy you put into your numerous posts and apply it to your relationship.

You're a loser

[Anonymous]

OP I could have written your post 17 months ago. Verbatim.

I can't put into words how happy I am now and how well my kids are doing. You will be OK. Hang in there. Hugs

[Anonymous]

Failure is staying in a dead relationship that's bad for you. Good luck, OP. You can do this, and each day is a step into your new, better life.

[Anonymous]

You have taught your kids how to deal with people who treat them badly by modeling it. You have given them an invaluable tool. Find a way to be a healthy coparent so they can make peace with their father and they will really be set. You are doing the hard work now to save them much harder work later on in their own relationships.

[Anonymous]

I separated when my child was nine months old and thought it was the end of the world. In fact it was the best decision I ever made. I'm a firm believer in toughing it out in a problematic marriage (as I've done with my second), but sometimes you need to move on and yours sounds like one of these. Chin up and power forward.

[Anonymous]

Divorce was the best thing that could've happened to me.

Got me out of a terrible, abusive situation, let me start my life over, gave me another chance to be happy and find something better. See this as the opportunity it is. Embrace it. You'll be better off 2 years from now than you could possibly imagine right now.


I've got a whole new amazing life, while my XW is the same angry, abusive sad person she was 5 years ago.

Get out. Go!