Grandma wont come to our house to see kids
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Anonymous
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I'm really annoyed and need suggestions. My mom always asks to visit with the kids, only to her, "visiting" involves her taking the kids to her side of town for the day. For some reason, she refuses to come visit at our house for something like dinner, and refuses to come to our side of town and take them out for a day in our area. And, she is about an hour away and wants me to drive them to her and have a "day to myself". Driving two hours and inevitably socializing for a while is hardly relaxing. We've also met halfway, and that's annoying too. I don't want to drive in rush hour.
I don't understand why she can't come to our home. Or take the kids to a park in our area, or any number of things near our home that the kids like. She always says, you never bring the kids over. I do about twice a month, to visit with my dad too, who still works. She's mad I won't bring her to her at her beck and call. She wants alone time at her house, but that is inconvenient. She won't come to our house WVER. I'd leave and she could have alone time. But she only wants her house. I'm tired of the guilt trip. Any suggestions? |
Anonymous
| No suggestions but it sounds like my childhood. My grandma didn't drive so my mom took me to her house regularly. All socializing was done at her house. I guess the difference is I spent the night there. My mom didn't find it burdensome to drive me to her mother's house in order to get me out of the house. Why don't your kids stay over night and you pick them up after doing errands and household tasks the next day? |
Anonymous
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Do you live in a "bad" neighborhood? Do you live in the city and she lives in the suburbs? As people get old their tolerance for city driving goes way down. My parents in live in the NYC cuburbs and basically refuse to drive to NYC itself.
Does she not like to drive? What's the issue? |
Anonymous
No, both in good suburbs. I'm not sure her issue. She always refuses offers to do things here. Says how about I take them to this place by my house. |
Anonymous
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Mom, I've planned on bringing the kids out to you twice a month. Any other time you'd like to come by and get them, they are all yours!
Also, MIL and I worked out a halfway meeting point to pick up and drop off. I WOHM and after a day of driving around here, the last thing I want is another two hours round trip for Gma's house 
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Anonymous
Can you ask her what the issue is? Also, if you don't want to drive the kids over to her (understandably), say no. She can't force you to do what she wants. She can't force you to listen to her complaints. Maybe if you push back, she will be more amenable to doing visits on your terms. For now, you're going along with her demands so there's no reason for her to change. |
Anonymous
| She is more comfortable in her house and her surroundings. My mom will only visit if my dad drives her and will not even drive on the local roads here. So even if she is here, she can only take my son to places within walking distance. It is pure fear. |
Anonymous
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Have you asked her directly what the problem is? Maybe at a time when you are NOT discussing a visit? If you could figure out why, you could maybe help trouble shoot.
But it could just be it's way more convenient to have you do all the driving and schlepping. If that's the case, decide on a visit frequency that works for you, and do that. Any other requests can be met with a "you are welcome here anytime, but if you can't come here, then we'll see you next Saturday." She can only make you feel guilty if you let her. |
Anonymous
OP, can you step back from the anger for a moment? I mean that genuinely, not as snark. Have you asked her kindly if there is something going on with her that makes her reluctant to drive to you? You seem to have decided that the issue is somehow she just wants things all her way, but in this case I would instead be concerned that she has something going on that you as her daughter should look into. Maybe she is having health issues she isn't mentioning. They don't have to be something serious. She might have realized -- without wanting to admit it -- that she is no longer comfortable driving very far, or driving in anything other than daylight. This might be as simple as just a growing fear of traffic as she gets older or as serious as vision problems or slowed reflexes. She might, like a lot of older people I know, be increasingly reluctant to drive anywhere with which she isn't already very, very familiar -- I know people who do drive, so their adult kids say, "Mom drives to the store, the mall, her friends' houses so why can't she come to me?" but their parents are driving to the same few places, close to their homes, that they have driven to for years and years, and they balk at driving an hour to get anywhere, especially in traffic. Consider that she might just be in that stage and frankly--cut her some slack if that's the case; she's interested in your kids and wants to be involved with them and that is not the case for many who post on DCUM. If she blithely drives anywhere for an hour at a time and isn't in the stay-near-home driving phase, AND you rule out health or vision issues, maybe she is reluctant to tell you that there's something about your home or your area that throws her off. Pets when she's not used to animals? Feeling like she's on your schedule when at your house? You won't know if you never ask her; please do that rather than stewing in anger. The fact you say you are "not sure what her issue" is means you have not had an adult discussion with her about this--why not? If there is some longer history between you where she won't discuss things, or where she has always insisted everything be her way ever since you were little -- that's different, and you and she have bigger issues between you. But if she is otherwise OK and not self-centered, there may be something wrong with her or with her perception of being at your house. Ask. She won't be around forever. She is only one hour away, not many hours or a plane flight away, like many grandparents. You do not say she's toxic or critical or mean. So I'd try hard to talk with her and frankly to accommodate however she wants to see the kids. That does not mean going to her house every single time, but it might mean finding out what it is about either driving or your home or your interactions when she is in your home that make her want to do everything at her house. Maybe it's as simple as "my own grandmother never came to our house but we always went to her" when she was a child herself -- and maybe she doesn't even realize that's what's making her behave as she is. But you wont' know if you stay mad and never ask. |
Anonymous
| This is pretty weird. My mom really only wants to come to my house (we live 10 min away) because I have child proofed and have toys, diapers, bottles and baby gear. |
Anonymous
| Both my mother and my mother-in-law were highly anxious and doing everything they could to hide it from everybody. So especially with my mother-in-law, there was weird behavior - like not taking dd to the movies or to visit friends in the same town when dd was visiting without us. ("I don't drive around," said MIL in an effort to explain.) Sounds like your mother, OP. It doesn't make it okay but it helps to know that this is not about you - it's about untreated anxiety and she's not telling you the full truth about it. |
Anonymous
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Op here. I think she sees it as doing a favor, even though SHE asks to see them, so she expects me to do the schlepping. Because she's doing a favor.
I see it as she wants to see them at a random time and wants me to coordinate it all. |
Anonymous
So don't do it. |
Anonymous
| "I bring them over all I am going to... You come here" |
Anonymous
This. As people age, they become more home bound. Happened with my parents too. If you think it's something beyond that, just ask. |