Building tension in the home.

[Anonymous]

First off, the tension isn't between me and DH. I feel that our relationship is doing pretty well and we're relatively communicative with one another. But DH's anxiety/anger about his work is becoming the a constant start of my anxiety and I am having a hard time pulling myself out of the miasma of tension to find the right time to talk to him about it. He is super frustrated with his work place, some of his co-workers, and the fact that he's falling behind (us and the kids have all been sick this past month for weeks and weeks). This morning he was so angry about a work thing he wanted to punch a wall (which he has done only once before like 4 years ago). The situation definitely warranted an angry reaction IMO, but not to the extent that he had.

I really want him to go see a therapist about this and I've mentioned it to him before because this has slowly been increasing since the death of an immediate family member a few years ago. But he refuses. He was always an introvert since I've known him and since we got married and moved, he's been an even bigger introvert. It doesn't bother me because I'm social for both of us and drag him out to see our friends, etc., but it means that he has no one to vent to because he'd rather not bring up his problems with anyone other than me, hence the building tension all around. Not his mom, not his siblings, no one.

I feel its unfair to my own mental well being to be his only source of venting and that it's not enough for him to just vent, he needs to find a way to work through those feelings and be constructive about it. I go to therapy and work on my shit, basically, so why can't he?

Any suggestions on how I can help him understand that he need to not slap down the idea of therapy and start considering that he may need assistance before this DOES start to take a toll on the family? Kids are too little to notice atm, but give it a few years...

[Anonymous]

because taking time to talk about being behind at work will help him not be behind at work....

[Anonymous]

We went through a similar situation, and I knew therapy wasn't going to happen, in part because there was no time. Ours was short-lived enough that when the project was finished, I dropped it, but I thought more about how I might have helped beyond what I did, which was talking about how I felt, trying to support him, and suggesting therapy.

1) Can he take a class in the evenings? Like martial arts or boxing?
2) There are online therapists. Some even work via text! It is possible to do this at home or during lunch or something. Maybe you can research those options for him.
3) Can you hire enough help for a week or two (including weekends) that you could free him up to do nothing but get caught up at work? That might not solve any other problems, but might give him the breathing space to start working on those problems and help his moods.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP, work stress can be so bad for the family's health.

First, is there anyway he can find a different job in his field that would be less stressful, or are all similar positions going to carry the same kind of stress?
It's totally worth changing jobs if he can find something with less conflict!

Second, yes, he should see someone, but do your research first. Does he have ADHD, perhaps? That is easily treatable with meds after consultation with a psychiatrist. Symptoms would be being forgetful, relatively unproductive, disorganized, and having difficulty regulating emotions (anger in men, usually) etc... Intelligent people often compensate for that at first, get promoted and then find they are unable to perform at the level they expect. Also, there is obviously anxiety in the mix. Meds are a little trickier for that, so he could do yoga and meditation before seeking medical treatment. A therapist might help him to find ways to compartmentalize, but if he has ADHD, that will be nearly impossible to achieve without treating that first.

[Anonymous]

"because taking time to talk about being behind at work will help him not be behind at work.... "

It might-out of control anxiety can make you more inefficient, cause you to focus on the wrong things, keep you from being forward looking and organized. It certainly has for me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. He doesn't want to quit his job. He gets into moods where he wishes had had gone into another field, but not really, and just wishes he didn't have to work but would hate himself if he wasn't productive. It's a cycle of 'I hate this but I'd hate anything else too.'

And he is disorganized and forgetful, but god forbid if I bring up ADHD. One of his sibs has it and he had a lot of issues about it growing up (he essentially had to act as the older, responsible sib and resents that). He'd downright deny having it I think, so that'd be for a doc to suggest, not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He doesn't want to quit his job. He gets into moods where he wishes had had gone into another field, but not really, and just wishes he didn't have to work but would hate himself if he wasn't productive. It's a cycle of 'I hate this but I'd hate anything else too.'

And he is disorganized and forgetful, but god forbid if I bring up ADHD. One of his sibs has it and he had a lot of issues about it growing up (he essentially had to act as the older, responsible sib and resents that). He'd downright deny having it I think, so that'd be for a doc to suggest, not me.

And to add, he has lots of times where he loves his work. He's brilliant at it and his work place thinks so too. It's just the lows are hard to deal with. Way too hard.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are very concerned for your husband. It is good that you suggested therapy to your husband although he hasn't taken you up on it. Have you mentioned to him your concerns about him allowing himself to become frustrated with work and his co-workers? or how it affects you and your home? When you see him getting frustrated you may have to suggest that he take a break from his work. It seems as if he feels safe with expressing himself with you. You may also be able to suggest some coping skills or more positive ways for him to deal with the things that frustrate him. In the mean time continue to do things that help you to handle the anxiety and tensions. Try to stay as positive as possible because things will get better.

[Anonymous]

Good sex cures a lot

[Anonymous]

My DH gets like this about work too, though maybe not as intense as your DH. I use to get sucked into his anger and stress and be angry and anxious right alongside DH, but it was too much, so I put up a mental block. I still listen when he talks/complains about work, but I try to listen as an objective third party so I have some space from the anger and anxiety. DH started exercising with also helps.
But caveat, DH has never gotten to the point of punching a wall - this may require more help than what I did above...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good sex cures a lot

I don't know about that but it can help.

[Anonymous]

I'm a dw and similar position to your husband in some ways. Finally realized I can't dump.so much on him. Found a therapist a few blocks from.work w/ lunch appt. It's been helpful to have someone else to vent to. She is empathetic and helping me deal with stress. I also said I'm.too stressed to go, but the stress produced serious focus issues....

[Anonymous]

Another file in the "women don't like to hear about their men's problems" file ... men, women don't want to talk about YOUR feelings. Women want to talk about THEIR feelings.