10 year old won't stay in his bed

[Anonymous]

We've been dealing with sleep issues with our 10 year old since he was about 7, and I'm wondering if anyone else has a child who won't stay in their bed. DS goes to sleep in his own bed at night thanks to a routine (reading for a while, followed by a recorded meditation and melatonin), but he inevitably ends up in our bed every night around 3:00 am. We've tried rewards, punishment, talking with him about it, but nothing seems to work. He does struggle with anxiety and ADHD, and regularly sees a psychiatrist. There are times I can deal with it, but there are other times when I don't think I can handle this much longer. I'm just curious if anyone else has dealt with this and when their child grew out of it.

[Anonymous]

Can you put something at the foot of your bed so he can sleep NEAR you but not WITH you when he wakes up at night?

[Anonymous]

Yes. My kid did grow out of it right before his bar mitzvah. I just put up with it.

We had some serious illness with one parent, so there were some fears best dealt with by letting this go. Problem completely went away. Kid was a hooorrrrriiiibbbblllleeee sleeper but now is a great one.

[Anonymous]

Have you told his psychiatrist about the night waking and his coming to your room? This sounds like something on which you and the psychiatrist should work together. Any changes at school, with friends, at an extracurricular, at home? If he's anxious, even a change that seems minor to an adult could be eating at him....Please don't shut your son out of your room. The idea of a sleeping bag on your floor, where he can crash (and a gentle talk about not waking you but coming in and lying on his sleeping bag instead) seems like one possibility. It may not feel like it right now, OP, but he truly won't be doing this forever, and I would not treat it as a matter for discipline or cold-turkey tactics. It must be exhausting for you, though. That's why I'd see what the psychiatrist suggests.

OP, I would also talk to the doctor who recommended melatonin about whether it's still working as intended. In some people it does fine helping them get to sleep but does not keep the asleep through the night. I found that out from a friend (a nurse) whose elementary son takes it--he too was waking in the night after sacking out hard with melatonin. I had the same reaction to it; I fell asleep well but woke around 3 almost every night.

I hope your son's anxiety and sleep both improve.

[Anonymous]

I was your child. I think I slept in my parents' room every night of 4th and 5th grade. In 6th I was allowed to have sleepovers on school nights, and anytime I had a friend sleep over, I was fine in my own bed, so that helped me get used to it again. I don't remember when I stopped going to my parents at all but it was definitely by 7th grade. At that point, my sister went to boarding school so I was the only child home and got to stay up later, and that wouldn't have been allowed if I had still been coming into my parents' room.

My parents did end up putting a sleeping bad on their floor for me. I would come up and just open it and go in. In the morning, I was responsible for rolling it back up again and bringing my pillow and bear back to my room.

FWIW, I also had anxiety (but people didn't talk about that then or deal with it) and also was a horrible sleeper. As an adult, I still struggle with anxiety (I take meds, which control it), but I am a very together person and am a great sleeper, so I don't think I suffered any longterm effects from having wanted to sleep in my parents' room at 8, 9, 10 yrs old.

Good luck - I'm sure it's frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Does your child have a sibling? Maybe they can share a room. My kids stopped their nightly wakeups (or at least their visits to us), when we put them in a room together. They just wanted company.

My friends have 2 kids with 2 separate bedrooms, but their dd sleeps in a bunk in ds's room nightly.

[Anonymous]

My DD does this and she is 9 (only child). Throughout the night she comes into our room to use the bathroom/to let me know her covers are messed up/to let me know her stomach hurts........could be anything. My husband says I should just tell her not to come into our room (which I will not do). I feel like she's anxious/scared/needs reassuring. I understand her. I was the same way when I was a kid. While I wasnt an only child, I was the only girl so I had my own room when I was 10 and I hated it. I remember staying up all night scared to death of .......I'm really not sure what. I grew out of it by 15/16. My husband doesnt understand since he always shared a room with his brother. Cant really talk to anyone about it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for the feedback. The psychiatrist has worked with us on this, but we haven't seen much progress. He's actually the one who recommended upping the melatonin. While it's helped with the falling asleep, it hasn't helped with the staying asleep. Occasionally, we'll have a breakthrough. He'll sleep in his own room for a few weeks, and then he's back in our room for months. At this point I normally just go in the guest room to sleep and leave my husband, son, and the dog all cozied up together. For the most part I've been pretty accommodating, but sometimes I worry that I'm setting him up for worse issues in the future. The problem that I'm experiencing lately is that now I wake almost every morning at 3:00 am whether he wakes me up or not and I'm up for the day. It's really caused some issues with my health and my emotional well being. DH keeps saying that he won't be in our bed forever and that we should cherish the time we have with him. (Easy for him to say, since he sleeps like the dead!)

I appreciate knowing that we're not alone with this. Most of my son's friends have siblings, so they share a room if there's any nighttime anxiety. As an only child, we don't have that option. My husband and I also struggle with anxiety and have had sleep issues in the past. I know I should be more patient, but sometimes it's difficult when I'm running on a major sleep deficit.

Again, thanks so those of you who have empathized. I'm trying to be patient and understanding, but there are some days that the exhaustion overrides my compassion. We'll keep plugging along and will also try the sleeping bag idea. (again!)

[Anonymous]

So your real problem is that he disturbs your sleep? That's really not OK. Hopefully you have room for a little sleeping cot besides the bed or at the foot of your bed or something.
My daughter has some ADHD tendencies and anxiety, and often comes into our bed, but she's 6 and doesn't take up much room. We can't have our older son in our bed, there's no room! We send him back to his room with a hug and a kiss.

I remember that I would just go to my parents' bedroom and sleep in the floor.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband to get out of bed and go sleep in your son's room. That's what I do. Ours rarely tries to sleep in our bed, but when he does I kick both of them out.

Is there something in his room he is scared of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband to get out of bed and go sleep in your son's room. That's what I do. Ours rarely tries to sleep in our bed, but when he does I kick both of them out.

Is there something in his room he is scared of?

Yes, can your husband go sleep with him so you can get some rest?

I am dealing with the same issue with my 9 year old, except when I couldn't take it anymore I started sleeping in his room with him. It's actually worked well from a sleep standpoint because DH snores so much. If I go to bed in DS's room there is actually a chance I will sleep most of the night because I can't hear DH and DS stays in bed. This summer we'll try another plan but, damn, I'm 46. I can't start my day at 3:30 anymore which is exactly what happened before. Frankly, if DH can't get his snoring under control I may just move to the guest room once DS can sleep by himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband to get out of bed and go sleep in your son's room. That's what I do. Ours rarely tries to sleep in our bed, but when he does I kick both of them out.

Is there something in his room he is scared of?

Yes, can your husband go sleep with him so you can get some rest?

I am dealing with the same issue with my 9 year old, except when I couldn't take it anymore I started sleeping in his room with him. It's actually worked well from a sleep standpoint because DH snores so much. If I go to bed in DS's room there is actually a chance I will sleep most of the night because I can't hear DH and DS stays in bed. This summer we'll try another plan but, damn, I'm 46. I can't start my day at 3:30 anymore which is exactly what happened before. Frankly, if DH can't get his snoring under control I may just move to the guest room once DS can sleep by himself.

Get your husband a CPAP. Its been a life saver for me. I can't sleep with my husband without it.

[Anonymous]

You need to sleep, OP. Why don't you take a week of planned sleeping in the guest room? You need to get out of the habit of waking up at 3am, and you need some solid sleep. Let your husband, kid, and dog have the bed to themselves.

[Anonymous]

My ADHD 10 year old son is exactly the same, does yours have anxiety as well?

Our therapist told us due to his ADHD & anxiety this caused him to have separation anxiety all of his life (which he has, although it's gotten a little better).
The separation anxiety / anxiety wakes him & causes the moving to our bed.

[Anonymous]

Lock your door