Sports instructor who only recently met my kid told him in so many words he has no talent
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Anonymous
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10-year-old DS has come a very long way. He has very low muscle tone, anxiety and ADHD so sports have always been really hard for him. He started swimming about a year ago and was initially very scared of the water. But he worked really hard in a mainstream group swimming class and has steadily moved up to more difficult classes. It usually takes him twice as long as NT children to pass the tests but he has not been discouraged by having to repeat classes. We are so proud of him! We haven't had the need to tell any of the instructors since the first one of his special needs because it hasn't been an issue. All of them have been very encouraging even when they have failed him in the test with comments like, "You're almost there" and "You really learned a lot this session."
The instructor or coach this session has been really negative during coaching and the first thing he ever said to me and he said something to the tune of how we can't all be good at swimming with the clear implication that DS is just not very good compared to the other kids. I was too shocked to say anything back. DS was devastated and almost started crying right there but held it in. I'm worried he's going to lose his confidence in swimming and not want to go back. Anyone have any advice about how to handle this? What should I say to DS? How should I keep encouraging him? Should I talk to the instructor? His supervisor? What would I even say? There wasn't anything untruthful about what the instructor said. DS is clearly the child who takes the longest time to learn everything and is always finishing last in the laps. I guess I just don't understand why someone would feel the need to say that kind of thing to me and my child. The only thing I can think of is maybe it was directed at me and he thought I was one of those sports moms who thinks my child is the next Olympic star and he wanted to put me in my place? Before any of you say anything I know I'm overthinking but it's really bothering me. Maybe those of you who have kids who struggle with activities understand. |
Anonymous
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You need to talk to this coach ASAP. Even if your kid didn't have low tone etc. MOST PEOPLE don't have talent. Very few people will become like Michael Phelps.
The most important thing for a kid is to do your best and enjoy what you do. Unless this team that needs to make cuts there's no reason to compare the kids. |
Anonymous
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I have a child like yours who is very unathletic. My son has had to work twice as hard as others to achieve less in physical activities.
While this coach was brusque and unfriendly, and I, too, would have been a little taken aback, I don't see why he should be obligated to be encouraging. At some point students with special needs have to compete on an even footing with those who are more able than they. If they can continue to strive and show what hard workers they are, and what mental strength they have, they will earn the respect they deserve. |
Anonymous
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Throughout his life, your son's going to meet people who are going to say critical, unhelpful things. Since you can't monitor and take steps to "fix" every one of these situations, you'll help him the most by talking to him about how to respond to these comments/support his resilience in the face of discouraging commentary and attitudes.
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Anonymous
| I would change instructors and would work with the swimming program's exec director to match my child with an instructor that is a positive, encouraging presence. And I'd do this immediately so that this negative coach doesn't impact my child's joy for the sport. |
Anonymous
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I feel like there are probably real life stories about kids who were told they wouldn't make it, who ended up being fabulous at things. But I can't think of any!
Everyone has a different path--some are more winding. |
Anonymous
+1 There is no reason for these types of comments especially when the child is clearly just a beginner and doing it for recreation and fun. Unless the instructor is putting together a swim team, he needs to shut up. Find another coach. |
Anonymous
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I think it depends. What's the end game? Is it to be in competitive swimming via a swim team or is that natural progression of all the classes? Or is it just to finish a certain set of classes?
Yes, there is something to be said for sticking it out long term in a hard activity where you are just getting by but there is probably more gained by sticking out in activity with the chance to excel. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
You mean like Michael Jordan cut from his high school basketball team? |
Anonymous
Or Wilma Rudolohh who was born premature, had scarlet fever and polio as a child. Needed to wear a leg brace - and was the 1st American Women to win 3 golds in track and field? |
Anonymous
You don't need to explain who the coach works for, or what level of athletics is involved; the OP was clear on these points. My recommendation stands. It's a helpful and constructive approach that will serve her son well in the long run. |
Anonymous
| This is a teaching moment for the kid and the "coach." The former will have lots of chances to learn resilience. The latter needs to learn how not to be a jackass. |
Anonymous
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Most swim classes progress toward readiness for a team.
Given OP's son's age and challenges, that's probably not a realistic goal (it wasn't for my DC either). Help your son set his own goals -- mastering all 4 strokes; ability to swim more laps without stopping than before, etc -- and discuss them with the instructor at the beginning of the session. |
Anonymous
OP - if you are looking for a team, I really enjoyed the DC summer swim program through the DC Parks and rec. The kids had a ton of fun. Everyone swims what they want to swim. Great sportsmanship - cheering for everyone until they are out of the water. If you are in DC - check it out. |