Sports instructor who only recently met my kid told him in so many words he has no talent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a child like yours who is very unathletic. My son has had to work twice as hard as others to achieve less in physical activities.

While this coach was brusque and unfriendly, and I, too, would have been a little taken aback, I don't see why he should be obligated to be encouraging. At some point students with special needs have to compete on an even footing with those who are more able than they. If they can continue to strive and show what hard workers they are, and what mental strength they have, they will earn the respect they deserve.

Swimming is a skill everyone needs to learn. Nowhere did OP suggest that this was a competitive situation. Unfortunately, some adults shouldn't be working with kids. If I were in your position, I would discuss with the director of the program, let them know about your child's limitations and ask for an instructor who can work with that. Every kid needs to get exercise, and swimming is a great life long activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child like yours who is very unathletic. My son has had to work twice as hard as others to achieve less in physical activities.

While this coach was brusque and unfriendly, and I, too, would have been a little taken aback, I don't see why he should be obligated to be encouraging. At some point students with special needs have to compete on an even footing with those who are more able than they. If they can continue to strive and show what hard workers they are, and what mental strength they have, they will earn the respect they deserve.

Swimming is a skill everyone needs to learn. Nowhere did OP suggest that this was a competitive situation. Unfortunately, some adults shouldn't be working with kids. If I were in your position, I would discuss with the director of the program, let them know about your child's limitations and ask for an instructor who can work with that. Every kid needs to get exercise, and swimming is a great life long activity.

The truth is that most things in this world are indirectly competitive, if not directly so. Evolution and survival of the fittest, and all that. I agree that OP should talk to her son. He has a wonderful work ethic already, so the path toward resilience is already well-established!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child like yours who is very unathletic. My son has had to work twice as hard as others to achieve less in physical activities.

While this coach was brusque and unfriendly, and I, too, would have been a little taken aback, I don't see why he should be obligated to be encouraging. At some point students with special needs have to compete on an even footing with those who are more able than they. If they can continue to strive and show what hard workers they are, and what mental strength they have, they will earn the respect they deserve.

Swimming is a skill everyone needs to learn. Nowhere did OP suggest that this was a competitive situation. Unfortunately, some adults shouldn't be working with kids. If I were in your position, I would discuss with the director of the program, let them know about your child's limitations and ask for an instructor who can work with that. Every kid needs to get exercise, and swimming is a great life long activity.

The truth is that most things in this world are indirectly competitive, if not directly so. Evolution and survival of the fittest, and all that. I agree that OP should talk to her son. He has a wonderful work ethic already, so the path toward resilience is already well-established!

Stop being dense. This kid is in swimming lessons. Only in DC could that turn into competition.

[Anonymous]

Where is this? What part of the country?

Het your kid away from this bozo. Swimming is about bettering your own times.
We have meets atound here where 250 kids enter one race and there are only 6-16 'places' given out, meaning most kids don't even place.
Would he stand there and call all 234 of those kids 'losers' or what?

I would work really hard to have that guy fired.

My kid is way below your kid I'm sure and he's been welcomed onto a lot of swim teams 'for regular kids' and the coaches (and other swimmers and parents) have slways been respectful and encouraging to him.

[Anonymous]

Some of are full of it - what do you expect unathletic kids to do? Stay home?

Not everyone is naturally athletic - there needs to be a place for kids to get exercise and have fun in a positive environment.

I would say something to manager, OP. As you have previously experienced, coaches should be able to be encouraging even when kids aren't as succesful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is this? What part of the country?

Het your kid away from this bozo. Swimming is about bettering your own times.
We have meets atound here where 250 kids enter one race and there are only 6-16 'places' given out, meaning most kids don't even place.
Would he stand there and call all 234 of those kids 'losers' or what?

I would work really hard to have that guy fired.

My kid is way below your kid I'm sure and he's been welcomed onto a lot of swim teams 'for regular kids' and the coaches (and other swimmers and parents) have slways been respectful and encouraging to him.

And OP we took my son out of swim classes and put him on a swim team before he could really swim a good stroke at all. The coach took him on the team and literally let him swim freestyle races under water and everyone encouraged him. He loved the races though and that helped him progress.

Find another program for your son. You could even try two at the same time to ease the transition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Throughout his life, your son's going to meet people who are going to say critical, unhelpful things. Since you can't monitor and take steps to "fix" every one of these situations, you'll help him the most by talking to him about how to respond to these comments/support his resilience in the face of discouraging commentary and attitudes.

Wrong.

The coach works for the parents, kids, school or club. If this is a club for fun/recreation, the coach needs to drop the negative attitude.

This is not the Bela Karolyi/Nadia Comaneci story; the Olympics are not on the line.



The coach needs to get some critical feedback on how to coach young kids who are learning to swim. Just b/c the coach may be a talented swimmer doesn't mean he/she is good at coacher.

You don't need to explain who the coach works for, or what level of athletics is involved; the OP was clear on these points. My recommendation stands. It's a helpful and constructive approach that will serve her son well in the long run.

Really? Can you provide some examples from real life in which someone being harshly criticized and put down was helpful and constructive. I'd like to hear several examples, and one from your own life would be particularly illuminating. By the way, I manage managers, and can't imagine a situation in which this philosophy would be helpful or constructive with employees. "Joe, some people are just not cut out to be attorneys" -- Joe then flourishes at his legal work and impresses the hell out of everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a child like yours who is very unathletic. My son has had to work twice as hard as others to achieve less in physical activities.

While this coach was brusque and unfriendly, and I, too, would have been a little taken aback, I don't see why he should be obligated to be encouraging. At some point students with special needs have to compete on an even footing with those who are more able than they. If they can continue to strive and show what hard workers they are, and what mental strength they have, they will earn the respect they deserve.

It sounds like swimming classes, though, not some kind of competitive swim team. Coach is a jerk.

[Anonymous]

I have been pretty successful in a different sport and think you should change coaches here.

Some coaches are pushers/yellers/etc. This actually works great for some people. I, for example, sometimes need a wake up call. I do better/am more accurate/rise to the occasion better when my coach is a bit tough on me. There are coaches for this.

Many people thrive on a praise model. They are bolstered by their previous successes and you build them up by supporting them one brick in the wall at a time. There are different coaches for this.

Coaching styles are highly dependent on the person and I think, since your son is already really trying hard and top-level performance isn't your goal, and since he has been enjoying swimming with a supportive type of coach, you should find him a different coach that will reflect the model that works well for him.

I've actually changed coaches for being too "soft" because I don't progress. I don't like to be yelled at but the occasional harshness helps me progress so I deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I would have taken him out if that class and switched him into another session of that level of swimming. My 3 kids have done progressive swimming classes and even though the classes were leveled with descriptions of the pre-requisites there is a really big range in the abilities of the kids. So level 4 class where they might swim 2 laps of backstroke might have a kid who swims straight and fast and is an older kid in the class and a kid who is the youngest in the age group for the class who doesn't swim straight, is slow, and struggles to complete the 2 laps. For my sensitive kid I made sure he wasn't ever the slowest, weakest swimmer by far in the group because it is demoralizing and if he was so exhausted trying to keep up I was worried about him tiring and swallowing water and going under. If there was another slow swimmer then it was fine. The other problem with being the slowest swimming last is often you are last go swim then by the time you complete 2 laps and return the instructor has moved on to explaining what they are doing next and you don't have much time to rest. Is your child noticeably slower than the other kids in the class? Not that it makes it right for the instructor to be negative but it means your child might not be enjoying the class.

[Anonymous]

My kid does two activities one where he excels and one where he does passably. The first activity, he works with elite coaches and I expect them to criticize his play since that is what pushes him to be better.

DS has no talent for the second activity since he has developmental coordination disorder and ASD/ADHD but he enjoys the activity. I expect his coach to be encouraging and not put DS down. It's for fun.

Switch coaches and talk to the management. Teaching children is a skill set some people don't have no matter how good they are in the activity themselves.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that THIS coach doesn't know he's SN?

I know you said that you haven't felt the need to mention it again to anyone after his first coach, but maybe this coach would have chosen his wording better, been more sensitive (or not said anything at all) if he knew that he was SN.

I'm in NO way making excuses for the coaches behavior, because saying that to even a NT wouldn't have been right.

I'm just asking if he was aware, because if he was I'd have him fired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child like yours who is very unathletic. My son has had to work twice as hard as others to achieve less in physical activities.

While this coach was brusque and unfriendly, and I, too, would have been a little taken aback, I don't see why he should be obligated to be encouraging. At some point students with special needs have to compete on an even footing with those who are more able than they. If they can continue to strive and show what hard workers they are, and what mental strength they have, they will earn the respect they deserve.

It sounds like swimming classes, though, not some kind of competitive swim team. Coach is a jerk.

Typically the coaches on the competitive swim teams are more skilled and my SN kid did a lot better on the swim team even when he wasn't swimming fast.
He was just slotted with younger kids , which he didn't mind, and he moved up lanes as his abilities changed.
If he needed to skip a set that was also fine. But the repetitiveness of the swim team (lots of laps) coupled with the numerous other kids to swim with was the best thing for him. He never progressed much in swim lessons. There are a LOT of SN kids on swim teams.

There was this one kid who swam some but really spent most of his time swimming under water and poking girls - not SN but special nonetheless and I miss that kid..