Debating on How to Have Children

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years and have been talking about kids for the longest time. At first we agreed on her carrying the kids (first one would biologically be mine and the other two biologically hers) and my best friend would be the sperm donor. We even agreed that if he wanted to be called dad or uncle it would be his choice and we'd be fine with either decision. I even joked with my best friend about the children sending him a father's day card.

But lately I've been thinking more and more about adoption because both my family and my wife's family both suffer from medical issues. Cancer runs on my side of the family and unfortunately for my wife mental illness is pretty common on her side. In fact my wife suffers from major depression and anxiety and I just can't imagine her NOT having postpartum. And right now she has type 2 Diabetes but our doctor says that if she loses the weight and eats right then we can "reverse" the diabetes.

I bring these concerns up with my wife and tell her that adopting might be the better route for us but she still wants us to have our own children, at least one to be biologically ours. She says she's always wanted to carry a child, to go through that whole process and what not but to be honest I'm just scared. I'm scared of what one of our genes could do to our child, and I'm scared of what pregnancy could do to my wife. I mean we're still a few years from even starting to try to have kids but I feel like this is something we definitely need to figure out NOW.

[Anonymous]

Cancer and mental illness runs in everyone's family. Both run in mine, and I have an autoimmune disease that is correlated to cancer. I would livid if I was told not to have children because of this. It would probably be a marriage-ender for me.

But if her diabetes is controllable with diet and exercise, she should try to get as healthy as possible before she gets pregnant.

Have you tried counseling?

[Anonymous]

Have you met with an adoption counselors? First off, most of them (the good ones) won't pass you through the home study unless you are both on the same page w/respect to mourning the loss of your biological connection. In addition, unless you are both interested and capable of parenting a child who has experienced a lot of family trauma, you may want to re-think your assumptions about how adoption might work as a family building tool. It's a very complex process and can take a very long time, especially if you are only willing to consider healthy infants. Adoption, in a lot of ways, is as scary, if not scarier, than what you think you'll face with pregnancy.

In other words, it might be a good idea for you both to get real information on your options, and then spend some time in counseling getting clear on your feelings about these options.

[Anonymous]

Lesbian here with kids. You never know what genes are going to come through and what isn't. We chose a donor with as clean a medical history as possible and our son has anxiety and severe ADHD. Neither were in my genes or the donors. Do we love him any less? Hell no.

I had never battled depression until I had our son. I had a major bout of PPD, but we got through it and 13y later it is a distant memory. You have the benefit of being prepared and being proactive.

It is completely normal to be scared starting this process. It is a daunting process full of unknowns. I highly suggest counseling to work through them and perhaps attending a Maybe Baby group hosted through Rainbow Families. It is helpful to know other families dealing with the same fears/process/etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lesbian here with kids. You never know what genes are going to come through and what isn't. We chose a donor with as clean a medical history as possible and our son has anxiety and severe ADHD. Neither were in my genes or the donors. Do we love him any less? Hell no.

I had never battled depression until I had our son. I had a major bout of PPD, but we got through it and 13y later it is a distant memory. You have the benefit of being prepared and being proactive.

It is completely normal to be scared starting this process. It is a daunting process full of unknowns. I highly suggest counseling to work through them and perhaps attending a Maybe Baby group hosted through Rainbow Families. It is helpful to know other families dealing with the same fears/process/etc.

+1

Talking in person with other families makes the whole process--and the many ways to make a family--a lot less daunting.

We're a two-mom family with two kids, young enough we don't know all of what's in store for us; different gestational parents, different anonymous donors.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Adoption is very hard right now. It took us many years of heartbreak.

[Anonymous]

If your wife wants to carry a child and you agreed she could before you got married, it's not fair for you to back out of that.

An adopted child would probably not have better genes and would probably have a more toxic pre-birth environment than the one you and your wife would provide.

You sound immature. Accepting the reality that your child's genes and your child will not be perfect is important.

[Anonymous]

I married a guy who has a profoundly autistic son. I had genetic counseling before getting pregnant to rule out anything that could possibly be caused by genetics. (And that does not generally cover most causes of autism, but my concern was unwittingly adding another child with disabilities to the family). So genetic counseling may be something to consider.

But the way I read your post, what jumped out at me was anxiety. Yours. Is that a possibility? If so, I'd look at addressing that first.

There are no guarantees in life for healthy children. Never. It's a risk you take with every birth and every adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your wife wants to carry a child and you agreed she could before you got married, it's not fair for you to back out of that.

An adopted child would probably not have better genes and would probably have a more toxic pre-birth environment than the one you and your wife would provide.

You sound immature. Accepting the reality that your child's genes and your child will not be perfect is important.

NP.
1. People change their minds and they are entitled to do that. Get divorced even.
2. Who are you to rush and judge someone and say they are immature - not helpful.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you, op. I wouldn't want my partner with type 2 diabetes to carry a child---especially if she suffers with mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, op. I wouldn't want my partner with type 2 diabetes to carry a child---especially if she suffers with mental health issues.

I'd agree with this. It's not what either of your genetic lines might carry, it's a matter of her health in the here and now. This can't be a unilateral decision though. Have you talked to her about this?

Also, if you do use a friend as a sperm donor, please make sure that there is a legal written agreement with him, e.g.:
http://tuckerlegal.com/top-10-mistakes-same-sex-couples-sperm-donor/

[Anonymous]

Another married lesbian with kids here. DW and I spent literally years discussing how we would have children before we got started. We chose to use a known donor - a friend - but we had very specific expectations of his involvement. We are not comfortable with our DS referring to him as "dad" because we are his parents. He is known to DS as "uncle _____" but interestingly, his parents are known to DS as grandma and papa. DS has just turned 4 and hasn't yet put together why he has three sets of grandparents, but this is a conversation we will have before he starts K.

There were a lot of reasons we decided to use a known donor. We didn't want our child to think his biological father was some all powerful, life-giving source that he would never meet. I didn't want that to lead to hard feelings for myself as the non-bio mom. We wanted full access to his health and family history - though many cryobanks do a great job vetting their donors, sometimes there are weird, recessive gene type things that are overlooked. And we did want our child to eventually know his bio father (see reason one listed above).

Additionally, we decided that DW would be the only one to carry. Lots of thought went into this. We also really liked the idea of our children being full bio siblings. We did AI at home while our donor went through the whole process of giving over his sperm to a cryobank. We'd hoped that we wouldn't need any frozen sperm, but trying at home didn't work, so we moved on to IUI. Six IUIs later, nothing. Then we moved into IVF. First IVF cycle gave us our son. Since then DW has had three losses and has been through 9 IVFs. She's currently about 10 weeks with #2. This is all to say - you just never know what's going to happen, even if you make meticulous plans. We never intended to spend as much money as we did, but we have, and we're certainly not wealthy people.

In terms of securing parental rights as the non-bio parent, you'll want to do a second parent adoption which means you'll need a lawyer. We were able to get all of our adoption money back through the adoption tax credit. Our son was born in DC so my name immediately went on his birth certificate. Not sure how that will work in MD (where we live now) but hopefully it'll be the same.

We actively started this process when we were both 28. We're not approaching 35 and the whole thing has been a roller coaster. I would strongly recommend that you start NOW, meaning figure out exactly how you want to do this and start doing your research and saving. We have other lesbian friends who were very lucky - tried at home, got pregnant, easy peazey. We weren't so lucky.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another married lesbian with kids here. DW and I spent literally years discussing how we would have children before we got started. We chose to use a known donor - a friend - but we had very specific expectations of his involvement. We are not comfortable with our DS referring to him as "dad" because we are his parents. He is known to DS as "uncle _____" but interestingly, his parents are known to DS as grandma and papa. DS has just turned 4 and hasn't yet put together why he has three sets of grandparents, but this is a conversation we will have before he starts K.

There were a lot of reasons we decided to use a known donor. We didn't want our child to think his biological father was some all powerful, life-giving source that he would never meet. I didn't want that to lead to hard feelings for myself as the non-bio mom. We wanted full access to his health and family history - though many cryobanks do a great job vetting their donors, sometimes there are weird, recessive gene type things that are overlooked. And we did want our child to eventually know his bio father (see reason one listed above).

Additionally, we decided that DW would be the only one to carry. Lots of thought went into this. We also really liked the idea of our children being full bio siblings. We did AI at home while our donor went through the whole process of giving over his sperm to a cryobank. We'd hoped that we wouldn't need any frozen sperm, but trying at home didn't work, so we moved on to IUI. Six IUIs later, nothing. Then we moved into IVF. First IVF cycle gave us our son. Since then DW has had three losses and has been through 9 IVFs. She's currently about 10 weeks with #2. This is all to say - you just never know what's going to happen, even if you make meticulous plans. We never intended to spend as much money as we did, but we have, and we're certainly not wealthy people.

In terms of securing parental rights as the non-bio parent, you'll want to do a second parent adoption which means you'll need a lawyer. We were able to get all of our adoption money back through the adoption tax credit. Our son was born in DC so my name immediately went on his birth certificate. Not sure how that will work in MD (where we live now) but hopefully it'll be the same.

We actively started this process when we were both 28. We're not approaching 35 and the whole thing has been a roller coaster. I would strongly recommend that you start NOW, meaning figure out exactly how you want to do this and start doing your research and saving. We have other lesbian friends who were very lucky - tried at home, got pregnant, easy peazey. We weren't so lucky.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Interesting.

So what will you say when your kid realizes Uncle Dave is actually his bio father? "If Dave is my father, then why do you make me call him uncle? Why can't I call him dad?" The fact that Dave's parents are grandma and grandpa make it even more complicated.

How much of a role does the uncle play in the kid's life? If there's a father's event at school, do you send the uncle?

I understand that you and your wife are the FT parents, but why relegate the father to uncle status? I understand why you might do that if he had no interest in playing a role in the kid's life, but I think it's an odd choice if he's at family and school functions, etc. Why not let the kid have a father?

[Anonymous]

Oh so you want a PETFECT child? Give me a break.
P

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another married lesbian with kids here. DW and I spent literally years discussing how we would have children before we got started. We chose to use a known donor - a friend - but we had very specific expectations of his involvement. We are not comfortable with our DS referring to him as "dad" because we are his parents. He is known to DS as "uncle _____" but interestingly, his parents are known to DS as grandma and papa. DS has just turned 4 and hasn't yet put together why he has three sets of grandparents, but this is a conversation we will have before he starts K.

There were a lot of reasons we decided to use a known donor. We didn't want our child to think his biological father was some all powerful, life-giving source that he would never meet. I didn't want that to lead to hard feelings for myself as the non-bio mom. We wanted full access to his health and family history - though many cryobanks do a great job vetting their donors, sometimes there are weird, recessive gene type things that are overlooked. And we did want our child to eventually know his bio father (see reason one listed above).

Additionally, we decided that DW would be the only one to carry. Lots of thought went into this. We also really liked the idea of our children being full bio siblings. We did AI at home while our donor went through the whole process of giving over his sperm to a cryobank. We'd hoped that we wouldn't need any frozen sperm, but trying at home didn't work, so we moved on to IUI. Six IUIs later, nothing. Then we moved into IVF. First IVF cycle gave us our son. Since then DW has had three losses and has been through 9 IVFs. She's currently about 10 weeks with #2. This is all to say - you just never know what's going to happen, even if you make meticulous plans. We never intended to spend as much money as we did, but we have, and we're certainly not wealthy people.

In terms of securing parental rights as the non-bio parent, you'll want to do a second parent adoption which means you'll need a lawyer. We were able to get all of our adoption money back through the adoption tax credit. Our son was born in DC so my name immediately went on his birth certificate. Not sure how that will work in MD (where we live now) but hopefully it'll be the same.

We actively started this process when we were both 28. We're not approaching 35 and the whole thing has been a roller coaster. I would strongly recommend that you start NOW, meaning figure out exactly how you want to do this and start doing your research and saving. We have other lesbian friends who were very lucky - tried at home, got pregnant, easy peazey. We weren't so lucky.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Interesting.

So what will you say when your kid realizes Uncle Dave is actually his bio father? "If Dave is my father, then why do you make me call him uncle? Why can't I call him dad?" The fact that Dave's parents are grandma and grandpa make it even more complicated.

How much of a role does the uncle play in the kid's life? If there's a father's event at school, do you send the uncle?

I understand that you and your wife are the FT parents, but why relegate the father to uncle status? I understand why you might do that if he had no interest in playing a role in the kid's life, but I think it's an odd choice if he's at family and school functions, etc. Why not let the kid have a father?