Attention-seeking tantrums. Ignoring leads to escalation of behaviors. Help!
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Anonymous
| DS is 9 with ADHD combined type and has been having full-on screaming tantrums recently. I try to ignore but the more I ignore the worse the behaviors get. He calls me names, starts slamming doors, hitting the walls and screaming louder and out the window. We are in a townhouse so the neighbors can hear! He can last for a long time as in hours. I am pulling my hair out and don't know what to do!! They only happen at night before bedtime and in response to really small requests like pick up that book you dropped or something his sister said that he found annoying. He's usually good at following directions and there's no pattern in the direction that's given. Sometimes it's one thing and another day it's another thing. Before you ask I have taken Dr. Shapiro's class and he has been in CBT and social skills groups for years. What else can I do? What other type of specialist can help? Should I try a sleep study? |
Anonymous
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Planned ignoring is one strategy.
Take the Unstuck and on Target class to learn additional strategies. If there's a pattern, especially at bedtime, set an earlier bedtime. Your kid has anxiety and is letting the anxieties fly fast and furious at bedtime. Add structure. Limit screen time. Have a soothing routine. Even bath time/showers/reading--even reading to them helps older kids. |
Anonymous
| Why not eliminate screen time, at least during the week? |
Anonymous
This is not a helpful suggestion. |
Anonymous
Notice the question mark? |
Anonymous
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I feel screen time is tough to eliminate
But maybe cutting it back could work If your child is on meds this could be a rebound effect (?) Can you find a way for him to blow off steam before bed? A trampoline? Also maybe back off on any and all requests that he will misinterpret (pick up etc) Good luck! It's tough |
Anonymous
| OP why do you say the tantrums are attention-seeking? I have really struggled with this with my 5 year old. The standard advice to ignore tantrums doesn't work well with him so I am trying to shift my viewpoint and consider that he may not be seeking attention or even seeking a particular outcome, but just is really frustrated or tired or whatever and having trouble expressing it productively. So maybe try different approaches like comforting him, sitting down and talking to him, etc.? I think the standard advice to be consistent in ignoring is only valuable if that particular child will actually stop the tantrum when ignored. Hours of tantrums suggests yours is not doing that. Best of luck to you. |
Anonymous
No it's a fair question. Parents rely on screens rather dealing. |
Anonymous
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OP here and I appreciate the question but we don't just limit screen time. We don't allow it at all except for homework. Has been this way for years so it's nothing new.
I'm not sure how much earlier I can make bedtime as it's already really early but I like the suggestion about making a relaxing routine. We haven't done that since he was in preschool but maybe he needs that kind of comforting again. Will also try backing off any minor requests and trying some kind of intensive exercise. The minor request thing has me wondering for those of you who have older kids whether at this age they wanted more control and whether that could be a trigger? We try really hard to follow a strict routine, but maybe that's the problem? |
Anonymous
What is the matter with you people? The OP did not mention screen time at all. Perhaps there are bots that write most DCUM posts: "Did you get fat?" "Limit screen time!" "You sound like a nag." |
Anonymous
| Yes, my older kid who is 12 has lots of anxiety related behaviors just at bedtime. Stay to an expected schedule, don't engage in prolonged conversations. |
Anonymous
This child is having serious meltdowns. It has nothing to do with screen time, and OP did not mention screen times in her original post. Maybe she should also stop feeding him sugary treats before bedtime. |
Anonymous
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If you have a child who is using unwanted behavior in order to access something (attention, tangibles, whatever) there are basically 5 ways you can handle it.
1) Anticipate the need, and meet it before the child seeks it. (E.g. put together a routine where your child has your undivided attention at times that are challenging. Stan Greenspan's floortime approach can be a good way for kids to satiate their need for attention, and 30 minutes of floortime close to bedtime, might meet that need. Or it might not) 2) Teach the kid another way to get what they need, and reinforce it like crazy (Ross Greene's the Explosive Child works on this principle). Basically make it easier for the child to get your attention a different way than by tantrumming, which is a lot of work and not that much fun for them. 3) Decouple the behavior and the reinforcer through extinction (Only works if you can survive the extinction burst. If you've got one of the kids who escalates, and escalates to the point where you can no longer ignore the behavior, then this is not the solution, and it sounds like that's you) 4) Reinforce incompatible behavior (in this case, complying with requests), with a reinforcer your kid wants more than what he's getting from tantrumming (e.g. a sticker chart for complying at bedtime, with an outing that includes both a lot of attention and a preferred activity). 5) Punish the behavior (it can be hard or impossible to come up with a punishment that feels humane but is powerful enough to dissuade a kid from something they really want). In this circumstance, I'd vote for some combination of 1, 2 or 4. So, I'd make sure my kid is getting his attention tank filled up close to bedtime, if I could possibly do that by rearranging things, and then I'd sit down and say "This is how I want you to get my attention at bedtime, and here's how we'll reinforce it" with a chart or something similar. Good luck! It's not easy! |
Anonymous
| Have you considered additional meds? My kid takes Clonidine for some aggressive behaviors in addition to Ritalin. |
Anonymous
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Is he coming down off the medication around the same time?
You could try a small dose of melatonin about 30 minutes before the usual meltdown. |