Attention-seeking tantrums. Ignoring leads to escalation of behaviors. Help!

[Anonymous]

Your son sounds very much like mine. He isn't like this all the time, but when he is, it is draining for all of us. Last night was an ordeal. If we ignore him, he will become louder and more destructive. I can't say it helps entirely, but sometimes it helps a bit to just go into his room to be with him. He knows I'm there to talk if he wants to do so, and it keeps some of the attention-seeking behaviors down so he can work through whatever it was that got him upset in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not eliminate screen time, at least during the week?

This is not a helpful suggestion.

No it's a fair question. Parents rely on screens rather dealing.

What is the matter with you people? The OP did not mention screen time at all. Perhaps there are bots that write most DCUM posts: "Did you get fat?" "Limit screen time!" "You sound like a nag."

This. I had to read the OP three times to make sure I did not miss anything. Nowhere did the OP mention screen was the problem. I am beginning to think there are bots writing these posts too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a child who is using unwanted behavior in order to access something (attention, tangibles, whatever) there are basically 5 ways you can handle it.

1) Anticipate the need, and meet it before the child seeks it. (E.g. put together a routine where your child has your undivided attention at times that are challenging. Stan Greenspan's floortime approach can be a good way for kids to satiate their need for attention, and 30 minutes of floortime close to bedtime, might meet that need. Or it might not)

2) Teach the kid another way to get what they need, and reinforce it like crazy (Ross Greene's the Explosive Child works on this principle). Basically make it easier for the child to get your attention a different way than by tantrumming, which is a lot of work and not that much fun for them.

3) Decouple the behavior and the reinforcer through extinction (Only works if you can survive the extinction burst. If you've got one of the kids who escalates, and escalates to the point where you can no longer ignore the behavior, then this is not the solution, and it sounds like that's you)

4) Reinforce incompatible behavior (in this case, complying with requests), with a reinforcer your kid wants more than what he's getting from tantrumming (e.g. a sticker chart for complying at bedtime, with an outing that includes both a lot of attention and a preferred activity).

5) Punish the behavior (it can be hard or impossible to come up with a punishment that feels humane but is powerful enough to dissuade a kid from something they really want).

In this circumstance, I'd vote for some combination of 1, 2 or 4. So, I'd make sure my kid is getting his attention tank filled up close to bedtime, if I could possibly do that by rearranging things, and then I'd sit down and say "This is how I want you to get my attention at bedtime, and here's how we'll reinforce it" with a chart or something similar.

Good luck! It's not easy!

What a great post. I am emailing it to myself to refer to when a behavior issue comes up that I'm trying to solve. Thanks - really valuable summary.

[Anonymous]

What is the bedtime routine like? Is it possible that he needs to go to sleep earlier? Might melatonin help?

Alternately, could he do something relaxing while you get his sibling(s) to bed and then have a little quality time with you? Does he need a cool night light/projector? A white noise machine (or something that plays nature sounds)?

Are there any stressful evening tasks that could be shifted to the morning, either for him or for you? Are there things you're hoping to get done after he goes to sleep that are making you feel stress about getting him to bed, and transmitting that stress to him? If so, is there a way to get you the time you need (either for chores or for things you like to do) at a different time so you aren't feeling such pressure about getting him to bed?

It sounds miserable and I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

His tantrums sounds misearable for both of you an rooted in anxiety. I would ask his psychiatrist about an SSRI trial. My son can "deal" so much better with meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not eliminate screen time, at least during the week?

This is not a helpful suggestion.

No it's a fair question. Parents rely on screens rather dealing.

What is the matter with you people? The OP did not mention screen time at all. Perhaps there are bots that write most DCUM posts: "Did you get fat?" "Limit screen time!" "You sound like a nag."

PP, pot/kettle. Please stop getting your panties in a twist over the mention of screen time. Even though screens seem passive, they are actually stimulating for the brain. However, there's not going to be a silver bullet solution for the OP's situation, so asking a parent about the use of screen time is appropriate.

So instead of acting like a kid having a tantrum and over reacting to everything little thing you don't like, please join the adults in the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not eliminate screen time, at least during the week?

This is not a helpful suggestion.

No it's a fair question. Parents rely on screens rather dealing.

What is the matter with you people? The OP did not mention screen time at all. Perhaps there are bots that write most DCUM posts: "Did you get fat?" "Limit screen time!" "You sound like a nag."

PP, pot/kettle. Please stop getting your panties in a twist over the mention of screen time. Even though screens seem passive, they are actually stimulating for the brain. However, there's not going to be a silver bullet solution for the OP's situation, so asking a parent about the use of screen time is appropriate.

So instead of acting like a kid having a tantrum and over reacting to everything little thing you don't like, please join the adults in the conversation.

'

You didn't ask a question about how the child uses screentime. You asked a rhetorical question that assumed you knew what was going on with the parent and screentime. Two totally different things. Adults would know the difference.

[Anonymous]

OP again and a huge thank you especially to PP who took the time to list strategies 1-5. I'm completely wiped out by all the screaming and could not think straight.

I'm making a list and am going to try pretty much everything. One post that really spoke to me is the question about trying to rush through chores or other things before bedtime. I think this something I need to work on. DC has after school activities almost every night. Having to do homework and chores on top of that in the evening plus dinner, showering, brushing and flossing leaves him like 5 seconds of free time. I think I was too focused on stopping the escalation that I didn't look more globally at things I could change that might help.

[Anonymous]

is there any way you could minimize those after school activities to 2 or 3 a week? Even if your child likes all the activities I think many kids just are doing too much. So choose the 3 things he likes best, drop the others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:is there any way you could minimize those after school activities to 2 or 3 a week? Even if your child likes all the activities I think many kids just are doing too much. So choose the 3 things he likes best, drop the others.

This. If he has something going on every day, he does not get to just chill at night. Also you may be a bit impatient too when the time is getting late and you want to rush him to bed. He may be reacting negatively to that as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again and a huge thank you especially to PP who took the time to list strategies 1-5. I'm completely wiped out by all the screaming and could not think straight.

I'm making a list and am going to try pretty much everything. One post that really spoke to me is the question about trying to rush through chores or other things before bedtime. I think this something I need to work on. DC has after school activities almost every night. Having to do homework and chores on top of that in the evening plus dinner, showering, brushing and flossing leaves him like 5 seconds of free time. I think I was too focused on stopping the escalation that I didn't look more globally at things I could change that might help.

Your DC sounds like he might benefit from less after school structured time. My kids' behavior got so much better when we dropped to one activity/week and they came home and did homework and then free play time until dinner/bath/bed. I've also noticed than my anxiety can be contagious to my kids, when I'm frantically rushing them through the evening they're much more likely to act out than when I'm calm.