Child mimics parent arguments

[Anonymous]

Divorced a number of years ago. High conflict. Didn't litigate. But lots of arguments. Not about kids. Always respected each other as parents. Arguments about marriage. Relationship. How it ended. Anyway amicable for years now. Argument with my 13 year old DS over phone the other day. Running point of contention. He escalates a lot as a teen now. New. More emotional. Says he doesn't feel heard. Intense exchange. He goes to quiet superiority and pokes with verbal statements. To get a reaction. He gets me going for a while then I realize what is going on and call him on it. And he breaks down. Says I was doing to you what dad did. I manipulated you and you reacted the same way you did to him. I am pretty stunned. I know I shouldn't be. We learn what we see. I know I am responsible for this because I had a role in my marriage's failure and the arguments related to that. But self hatred isn't going to help me here. I am worried about the incident. His ability to mimic his father. The need for me to see it coming and remain calm. And my ability to help my son see he is his own wonderful person and doesn't have to repeat our mistakes. Appreciate any advice.

[jjconcern]

Does your son live with his father? I am wondering since you said the argument was over the phone. If so he is may be observing how his father is relating to other people in the same way that he related to you or pushed your buttons. Either way your son has some of the same tendencies or behaviors and you see how is able to push your buttons. The good news is that your son is able to connect what he is doing to you rather than being ignorant of his own behavior. If you can identify it you have more power to change it. It would help him if you recognize this behavior, towards you, early on so that you can give him feedback immediately to stop it. Also to remind him that this type of behavior pushes people away from you and does he really want to alienate people who he loves. Just because he learned it doesn't mean he can't stop it and learn other ways to deal with frustration or anger when he can't get his way. He will feel much better about himself if he is able to learn more healthy ways to handle conflict. I hope this is helpful. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Please write in complete sentences with both a subject and a verb.

[Anonymous]

He says he doesn't feel heard. Practice active listening.

Him: I just want to go to Patrick's house tomorrow.. You never let me do anything! I'm so bored hanging out here.

You: It sounds like you're saying you're bored and feel like I never let you do anything fun like going to Patrick's. Is that right?

It should help him feel heard.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you for the suggestions and feedback. It was a very difficult exchange. Have some distance from it now and that makes it a little easier to think about paths forward. I am glad that DC was able to see what he was doing (or trying to do) in the exchange. Have to be able to see your behavior patterns before you can change them. Active listening is a great idea. Was more careful about being an active listener when he was younger but need to recommit to that. It is really powerful.

[Anonymous]

So HE brought up that he was mirroring that behavior? In that case, I would say, "That's true. That is something your dad used to do. Do you like behaving that way? Did you like how our conversation went?" And then really listen. You need to work on your end but you also need to teinforce him that he can unlearn these patterns if he wants to.

[Anonymous]

That is pretty intense, OP. Not sure what to say. My DS is 6 and he is already very aware and observant of the differences in parenting styles between me and his dad. It scares me what he notices. Dad's family also is very subtle and passive agressive and when he spends time with them, DS feels the need to defend me. I know they don't flat out bad mouth me, their style is more subtle. But he picks up on it. The point is, even very young, kids do pick up on behaviors just some like your DS and mine are more aware that they did. Best thing to do is to ask him.how he feels when he behaves this way, and if he would like it if someone did it to.him and ask how he wants to be now and when he grows up. It might open up his thinking to the fact that this is NOT how he wants to be, even if it solicits a reaction from.uou. typed on phone. Forgive errors.