DH's very close friend treats me like crap-- feel conflicted

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07/28/2009 10:39

Subject: DH's very close friend treats me like crap-- feel conflicted

Anonymous

DH and I met when we were already older/established and brought many friends to the relationship. He has a longstanding (like 17 years) female friend who has/had been the closest person in his life for a long time, along with her husband and child eventually. He was a third wheel, babysitter, and I think even the guy who makes you feel better about her own life because he was alone and she had a family. When we met she was at first welcoming, but then became more tentative. I heard from other friends that she feels intimidated and judged by people she admires, so weirdly pulls away from them and ditches them as friends. Other friends thought that she might be doing that with me. I also started getting the feeling that even though I tried to invite her to everything and blend all of our lives in a fun way, she didn't like that DH was less available to her and maybe even got a nostalgic/regretful feeling that he would have been a better husband than hers (though they never dated).

She's been a very sad person, I suppose depressed or at least feeling victimized and like she doesn't like her life, lately. I've never really understood why she is negative about everything, but she is. She's negative about her child, negative about her job, negative about her financial situation (which is actually quite stable), negative about her husband, negative about never getting and time to herself to do what she wants, negative, negative, negative. I feel for her and have tried to be a sympathetic ear, though I've found that she freezes up and rejects me if I offer a solution (like getting a babysitter or letting her kid come to our house for a few hours). So I stopped doing that.

Lately she's been getting so hostile that I've tried to avoid social situations with her. I got a new part-time job that I'm happy about, starting pretty soon, and she's made some negative comments about wishing she could but having chosen her new house and being "stuck." Well, I was at her house this weekend with a large group of mutual friends and one asked me when I was changing schedules. She jumps up and pipes in that it would be great if SHE could stay at home but SHE didn't marry the right person (her husband was next to me, slack-jawed) and that her friend told her long ago that if she married her husband SHE would have to "work" for the rest of her life, but I don't.

That would already be embarrassing, but it was even moreso because she happens to know that I actually am going to work, just part-time, and taking care of my kid after part-time work actually is work too. We actually have LESS money than they do. Our decision to try this wasn't because we have so much more and can afford it more easily, but because we decided that a cut in money would pay dividends in happiness and quality of life. She knows all of these things because we described my new work situation in detail and they are close enough to know my DH's salary and the cost of our house etc. Finally, she said in front of a bunch of other people that I have this opportunity because I married well (as in, financially, but I actually married someone who makes less than she does) and that she doesn't because she married her own husband (who was right there). Well, her husband felt like crap, I felt like crap, and everyone there could have gotten the impression that she wants my DH and we're in some sick triangle. And for my ego, well-- I got this opportunity by working my butt off for many years and working up the courage to assert my value to an employer and demand this for myself. And it worked!

So I was livid. But I didn't say anything. As bad as she made me feel, I didn't want to call her out in her own home in front of people, so I took one for the team.

My DH was there and he was upset but I couldn't even muster the guts to tell him what a jerk I think his so-called friend is. So instead I called my best friend and bitched up a storm to blow off steam. Of course DH heard it, and was sad. Not because I wasn't right-- he is really pissed. But it was hard to hear his wife rip this old friend a new one-- maybe especially since she so has it coming.

I'm not sure why it makes me so sad. Maybe because there were so many people there. Maybe because I've spent so long trying to be patient with this person so that my DH doesn't lose out on a pre-existing friendship that matters to him. Maybe my ego is wounded.

But I can't go back there. Really. So now if he wants to, he's solo. And that makes me sad too. I usually get along with people. And the thing is, I DID marry really well. I married the best guy ever, and he is loyal to me but wants to keep ties with someone important to him. He is that good of a person that he could comfort me and agree to talk to her about it and really want us both to be happy. I hate taking away the family togetherness we were all trying to have, but I don't want to be there any more, and after all of this time I can honestly say that it's not only that she's a sad person in need of support-- she's someone I just don't like, and don't care to know. The thought of saying that to DH makes me really sad too. He would understand completely but be so disappointed that we can't all be friends.

Ugh.