DH's very close friend treats me like crap-- feel conflicted

[Anonymous]

Two things:

First of all, to the overshare crowd - WTF? She didn't say I live in the XYZ section of McLean and my kid goes to PDQ school and my DH's friend who works at the SEC had this crazy party at her house in Avenel. Totally don't get you people on this.

To the OP - her marriage may well be on the rocks for other reasons. When DH and I were about to split, I once made a comment that made other people gasp at a dinner party (he cuttingly joked that I married him only for the dog and I said since the dog was getting elderly, look out!). DH and I have since worked things out in something that can only be described as a Hail Mary pass. Nobody (including me) thougth we would. Nonetheless, I am sure that nobody at that dinner we were at - including us - really felt like socializing with us for awhile. Please keep away while you need to, but realize this may be about a lot more than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two things:

First of all, to the overshare crowd - WTF? She didn't say I live in the XYZ section of McLean and my kid goes to PDQ school and my DH's friend who works at the SEC had this crazy party at her house in Avenel. Totally don't get you people on this.

We people understand that Washington is a small town and this listserv has considerable reach. It is foolish to post so many details about interactions in a large group setting, not to mention details about another couple's marriage, on this website.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think this is your issue. She's your husband's friend, and he has to decide how he wants to deal with it. If you're not comfortable with her, just tell your husband so. Then if he wants to see them, it's up to him. You don't have any responsibility to fix things.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been on both sides of this kind of situation. I have a male friend and many of us ladies got kind of weird when he married someone who we didn't think was right for him. (To my remorse now, years later). Also, my STBXH made a habit of having female friends that became inappropriate. I understand the level of detail you've shared because, when you are in a situation like that, it seems so confusing and baffling, all the different information seems contradictory.... you are trying to form a clear picture through fuzzy glass. You're hoping someone else will take the details and make a clear image for you. And trust me, I am seeing it all to clearly.

This woman has an unhealthy attachment to your husband and is taking her jealousy and frustration out on you. Your marriage has clearly got her thinking she missed the boat. You should get as far away from her as you can. You are very lucky that your DH sees the problem and agrees that it's unacceptable. And you are very lucky if indeed he does not have inappropriate feelings for her.

But now your marriage (it seems) is strong. You don't want this lady waiting in the wings when things get tough, as inevitably the do in all marriages.

Do not send your DH there alone. When she says something inappropriate, don't respond. Just be silent. Let her awful words just hang there in the air, echoing for all to hear. Just look at her and smile sadly.

Stop sharing details about your life with her. If that means you stop sharing details with other friends too, so be it. Change the subject.

Carve out time to spend with others in the group of friends individually - you don't (yet) want to start doing group things without her. But start strengthening the relationships with the healthy friends, one-on-one or couple-on-couple. She can't reasonably criticize you for doing things as individuals, although I am sure she won't like it. All hell will break loose if you start seeing the group and excluding her intentionally.

Over the next few months, change the orientation of your life AWAY from this woman.

OP, I can't see your original post from this screen which was long, but I ask you, what are your instincts telling you? It sounds like your instincts are telling you she's got a thing for your husband. Always trust your instincts. You don't really need us to affirm them for you.

She's toxic. Eliminate her from your life.

[Anonymous]

I think that, no matter what, don't ever make yourself the issue. That is, don't ever give her any ammo to use with DH against you. Never let it be about you.

It sounds like she is trying to come between you and your husband, and perhaps for no other reason than miserable people want other people to be miserable, too. Especially if they see people who have a measure of happiness in lives somewhat like theirs. They want to take happy people down a peg. Unfortunately, I have known such a person.

Good luck. Stay calm, stay yourself. You obviously love your DH and feel conflicted because you don't want to "deny" him a close friendship. But it doesn't sound like you are. This "friend" of his is alienating him all on her own. Let her, and don't intervene unless there is a direct threat to your family. Be the opposite of her for your DH, which it sounds like you already are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's my take:

It doesn't matter who you are, you could have been Grace Kelly and she would still dislike you. She liked being the "head" woman in his life. I bet she had all kinds of crazy control over him prior to you. She probably influenced who he dated (probably even got rid of a few she didn't like) and controlled his time (as evidenced by the babysitting). She resents the fact she no longer has these controls. It is not that she has the hots for him, so much as he was always at her beck-and-call.

The best thing: you and your husband should put some distance between her and the two of you. I don't think it is wise for your husband to continue seeing her when you are not around. Not so much as I think he will cheat, *but* I think she could try and put a wedge between the two of you.

Sadly, she is in danger of ruining her own marriage.

I sort of speak from experience as I was her in HS with my best friend (male). Not as extreme and I certainly never embarrassed any of his girlfriends, but I exerted a lot of power over him. This is not something I'm proud of.

I agree here.

IMHO, she's toxic and controlling. He's allowed it so far, but he seems to be willing to let go of the relationship. Let him. And don't feel bad about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gave so many details and didn't need to bother...your husband's relationship with this woman is inappropriate. I'm not sure what he's getting out of it emotionally, but it's filling some co-dependent need for both of them. He should step up and be your husband and partner first and foremost, but he's not. See a counselor, with or without him.

This is OP: my husband was very mad at her and offered to talk to her for me/ for us to tell her that it was not okay. I said that it was fine to do so but really do not want to cause some kind of war.

There is NOT an inappropriate relationship between them. He never calls her or gets together with her without me, and all we've done is have family plans with both spouses present. He was pretty weirded out and I know that he plans to step up.

We had a good and honest talk about it after I talked to my girlfriend. It's a good marriage, eyes wide open.

But the fact that he's being supportive and appropriate does not mean I'm happy about this rift in an old friendship, or about my feeling that I just don't want to be with people who have been a huge part of his life-- even if he decides that he doesn't either.

If this friendship is over because she's jealous of me, that sort of makes me Yoko even if I tried not to be, and even though DH did nothing inappropriate.

Maybe I think that it's a big deal because I value friendships so much. Can't imagine what I'd do if a friend of mine disliked DH and treated him poorly. I'd draw the line but miss them very much.

"...he is loyal to me but wants to keep ties with someone important to him. He is that good of a person that he could comfort me and agree to talk to her about it and really want us both to be happy."

Sorry, sister, her needs are inconsequential, and her happiness should be of no concern to you or your husband. She has her own husband--let him worry about it. You and your husband BOTH need to stay away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been on both sides of this kind of situation. I have a male friend and many of us ladies got kind of weird when he married someone who we didn't think was right for him. (To my remorse now, years later). Also, my STBXH made a habit of having female friends that became inappropriate. I understand the level of detail you've shared because, when you are in a situation like that, it seems so confusing and baffling, all the different information seems contradictory.... you are trying to form a clear picture through fuzzy glass. You're hoping someone else will take the details and make a clear image for you. And trust me, I am seeing it all to clearly.

This woman has an unhealthy attachment to your husband and is taking her jealousy and frustration out on you. Your marriage has clearly got her thinking she missed the boat. You should get as far away from her as you can. You are very lucky that your DH sees the problem and agrees that it's unacceptable. And you are very lucky if indeed he does not have inappropriate feelings for her.

But now your marriage (it seems) is strong. You don't want this lady waiting in the wings when things get tough, as inevitably the do in all marriages.

Do not send your DH there alone. When she says something inappropriate, don't respond. Just be silent. Let her awful words just hang there in the air, echoing for all to hear. Just look at her and smile sadly.

Stop sharing details about your life with her. If that means you stop sharing details with other friends too, so be it. Change the subject.

Carve out time to spend with others in the group of friends individually - you don't (yet) want to start doing group things without her. But start strengthening the relationships with the healthy friends, one-on-one or couple-on-couple. She can't reasonably criticize you for doing things as individuals, although I am sure she won't like it. All hell will break loose if you start seeing the group and excluding her intentionally.

Over the next few months, change the orientation of your life AWAY from this woman.

OP, I can't see your original post from this screen which was long, but I ask you, what are your instincts telling you? It sounds like your instincts are telling you she's got a thing for your husband. Always trust your instincts. You don't really need us to affirm them for you.

She's toxic. Eliminate her from your life.

i second that. dh had a friend like that who wanted to much of him. couldn't live past the we-were-best-friends to your-best-friend-is-now-your-wife. dh fired her! at least that's how we call it ;o) he just severed all ties.

[Anonymous]

Your DH's friend doesn't fit into your marriage. You and your DH need to drop her as a friend. The slow way of dropping her as a friend that a PP had described was a good idea -- to slowly get to know others in the group on a one on one basis.

Even if she wasn't controlling, she sounds like a pain to be around being negative all the time. Plus it does sound like she has a thing for your DH.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel your pain. It is not just that this lady is hurtful, you are hurt that your ideal vision of a life in which you and your hubby seamlessly combine your previous lives into one bigger, better version has been dashed. It is disappointing that you all could not be exceptional and make it work with this precious older friend. I do not come out and just say she is toxic...if she were, what would that say about your wonderful hubby's judgement? Instead, as difficult as it may be to accept, I think her behavior is not really about you or your hubby. She is sad and disappointed about her life, choices and for whatever reason (envy, mere proximity, the unlikeliness of you to lash back out, etc) she dumped on you. Please try to not take it personal. Please try to not force your hubby to make a response. Please continue to communicate clearly with your hubby your feelings. Please feel free to avoid social situations with her for a while. For now, wait it out. If 2, 3, 4 years later she is still the same after multiple "time outs" then you cna make some conclusions. But to me it sounds like she is hurting intensely and while that does not give her a pass to wound others, I would not immeidately cut her off comepletely.

Also, I think all talk about the level of detail is pure silliness. Who cares?

I hope this helps...sounds like you and your hubby are wonderful, fortunate people!

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to take care of yourself. You are worrying far too much about what this person thinks and whether she is happy and whether her friendship with your husband will be affected. Plus, if she acted as you described, anyone sitting in that room would have to be a moron to not see how spiteful and pathetic she is and how her comments reflect back on her and not on you.

No question she is a jerk. But here's the thing -- I sense that you want everyone to play nice and to not have to take a stand. There's a slight hint of victimhood in your post. Time to realize that you have to be a grownup and distance yourself from this person and you don't owe her or your husband anything. This is not being a "Yoko," this is being a grownup and taking care of yourself.

She sounds perfectly awful. Get away from her as fast as you can! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

16:54 again -- OP, I realize now why your Yoko analogy irks me. I went back through your original post and I realized that you never hold your husband responsible for being friends with someone who treats other people so badly. I know you don't want to break up a friendship that matters to him (and I think that's a legit and thoughtful concern) but doesn't it bother you at least a little bit that he has been willing to hang around with this so-called friend for so long? Do you think you're the first person she has mistreated? I'm sure she has been mean to other people around her. Aren't you even a little pissed at your husband that he has been willing to put up with this behavior for so long? C'mon, face it, while we all have friends who are "difficult" from time to time, if this woman acts the way you say she does, this doesn't reflect well on him.

Sorry to give you a hard time about this but I think it's something you should consider.

[Anonymous]

You lost me after the first paragraph. Yawn.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think this whole thing could've been avoided had you not pierced your baby's ears.