Is This Typical Ten Years into a Marriage?

[Anonymous]

I just came back from a 10 day business trip, and I realize I did not miss DH at all and in some ways was dreading coming home. We had had our share of issues, including a period of extended unemployment on his behalf, but we have always pulled together, and I have done what I can to make our marriage work, especially for DS's sake. I think i have been in denial how much impact these episodes have had on us.

I think what is upsetting is that DH is finally in a good job, but he still makes minimal efforts in many areas of his life. He has an unkempt beard, which I find very unattractive, but he does nothing about, and he is also a very sloppy dresser. We finally have a house, but he does nothing for upkeep or repair. He loves our DS very much, but is checked out from him quite a bit. He is generally content to tread water in many areas. I know I am not a prize package either, but I have tried to respond to concerns when he raises them.

I am wondering whether I should raise this or just leave it alone. The whole situation simply makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

Of course you should raise it. Do it in a non-confrontational way to see if something is going on beneath the surface. It won't get better on its own.

My marriage of 12 years doesn't look like this. DH is a communicator...an over communicator if you ask me. Nothing festers.

[Anonymous]

Has he always been like this? Sorry to be blunt but he sounds like a real loser. I can't imagine that's the kind of guy you wanted to marry.

[Anonymous]

As a man I don't get how some guys let themselves go. I make an effort to look good. If I expect my wife to be fit and attractive shouldn't I be doing the same?
Let me guess he likes to play video games or some fantasy crap in his free time

[Anonymous]

You need to be at home with your child for 10 days without DH to really figure out if you miss him or not.

That said. I've been there. It is dangerous to not care about your spouse at all.

And it is dangerous for your DH to let himself go.

I was exactly where you are, dreading dh's return from business trips, watching him get fatter. It is hard to rebound from that.

[Anonymous]

I love my dh and we have as solid a marriage as you can have with very young kids but I was just away for 10 days and didn't miss him. Too busy to miss him and used to him never being home due to work.

[Anonymous]

Shave his face when he's sleeping and buy him some new clothing. Since we've dated I think my husband has bought clothing once and that was only when we were dating. Its been many years.

[Anonymous]

When you are away it is a vacation (even if you are working). Plus, my therapist says this is normal for women to be glad they're husbands are away for a bit.

[Anonymous]

And, men are pigs.

[Anonymous]

He might be depressed. Unemployment often leads to depression, especially in men. So now, even though things are better, he might be doing better, but not back to 100%. Maybe try the angle of getting help for him rather than telling him he's gross, lazy or that you're bored. If you're not comfortable bringing it up, you can ask his doctor to screen him for depression as part of his physical. The doctor won't be able to talk to you about it, but he or she can listen to your concerns and act on them.

[Anonymous]

Deal with your resentment first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He might be depressed. Unemployment often leads to depression, especially in men. So now, even though things are better, he might be doing better, but not back to 100%. Maybe try the angle of getting help for him rather than telling him he's gross, lazy or that you're bored. If you're not comfortable bringing it up, you can ask his doctor to screen him for depression as part of his physical. The doctor won't be able to talk to you about it, but he or she can listen to your concerns and act on them.

Seriously? You can tell a doctor what to screen for in another adult without that person's consent?

[Anonymous]

Wow, this sounds like something DH might write about me. I'm sure there are many husbands who feel their wives have let themselves go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He might be depressed. Unemployment often leads to depression, especially in men. So now, even though things are better, he might be doing better, but not back to 100%. Maybe try the angle of getting help for him rather than telling him he's gross, lazy or that you're bored. If you're not comfortable bringing it up, you can ask his doctor to screen him for depression as part of his physical. The doctor won't be able to talk to you about it, but he or she can listen to your concerns and act on them.

Seriously? You can tell a doctor what to screen for in another adult without that person's consent?

Uhmm...yes? You can tell a doctor your concerns about another adult without that person's consent. Particularly in cases of mental illness. But I would think if your husband was complaining of chest pain every day, and he didn't want to tell the doctor, you could bring it up at his appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He might be depressed. Unemployment often leads to depression, especially in men. So now, even though things are better, he might be doing better, but not back to 100%. Maybe try the angle of getting help for him rather than telling him he's gross, lazy or that you're bored. If you're not comfortable bringing it up, you can ask his doctor to screen him for depression as part of his physical. The doctor won't be able to talk to you about it, but he or she can listen to your concerns and act on them.

Seriously? You can tell a doctor what to screen for in another adult without that person's consent?

The doctor can't discuss anyone else's health with you, but if you see symptoms, you can certainly let a doctor know. Often people are afraid to bring up symptoms with a doctor because they're afraid of bad news. My DH has a fear of all things medical. When DH finally went for a physical, I emailed our doctor and asked her to screen for low t because he showed some symptoms. She thanked me for the info and responded that she couldn't share the results with me. When I asked DH how the visit went, he mentioned that she offered to check that so he had the blood work done. No big deal. With mental health, it's very difficult to self assess, so family members stepping in to help is important.