children and houseguests

[Anonymous]

We're staying at my son's house for a few weeks and they have two pre-schoolers. He hasn't provided much in terms of how to help or what their routines are, but I can observe and know I usually cook dinners as they both work full-time.
Last extended visit, the kids were even younger but now they are at the stage where they act up a lot, ask for special treats, push the boundaries and such. Their behavior seems extra whiny and difficult when we're around or my son is around. Not the nanny or mom.
Is there anything we should or should not do?

[Anonymous]

Mind your own business. Ask your son how he wants you to address prohibited behaviors. My preschooler acts out when grandparents are around because he is excited by the attention, they bring sugary treats and then feed him unfamiliar foods and expect him to sit at the table for Long boring adult conversations.

[Anonymous]

If I were you I would follow the mom and nanny's lead. If they're pushing boundaries it's because your the grandparents and they are trying to figure out what they can get away with. Do whatever mom and the nanny do and they'll quickly figure out that they need to behave the same way with you as they do with them.

[Anonymous]

You're staying for a few weeks and aren't helping? It sounds like they want more attention. Why not take them to the park, read them stories, do a craft with them or coloring books?

[Anonymous]

Of course they're pushing boundaries, now they can ask four adults for cake five times a day. Better odds!

Just ask the parents (not the kid!) what the routine is and what foods they usually eat, when. Staying a few weeks (?!) is a lot different than a few days stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were you I would follow the mom and nanny's lead. If they're pushing boundaries it's because your the grandparents and they are trying to figure out what they can get away with. Do whatever mom and the nanny do and they'll quickly figure out that they need to behave the same way with you as they do with them.

+1

Plus, don't coddle. The family will enjoy your dinners every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're staying at my son's house for a few weeks and they have two pre-schoolers. He hasn't provided much in terms of how to help or what their routines are, but I can observe and know I usually cook dinners as they both work full-time.
Last extended visit, the kids were even younger but now they are at the stage where they act up a lot, ask for special treats, push the boundaries and such. Their behavior seems extra whiny and difficult when we're around or my son is around. Not the nanny or mom.
Is there anything we should or should not do?

Keep in mind that the simple fact of you being there disrupts their routine, and kids tend to act out when their routines are disrupted, particularly at that age.

Ask your son what his family needs from you while you are staying there. Ask specifically about what kinds of dinners they would like. Maybe your son remembers certain food items fondly from childhood but doesn't know how to make them. Maybe they would all really love more complicated meals but never have the time.

As for the kids, you should be very clear that your role is not disciplinarian. You should avoid commenting on the kids' behavior or the way their parents handle it. You should ask what the rules are about giving them special treats and then not break those rules.

Basically, be courteous and ask your son and his wife for guidance about how to interact with their children.

[Anonymous]

Bless you for making dinner. I'm sure that's a huge help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're staying at my son's house for a few weeks and they have two pre-schoolers. He hasn't provided much in terms of how to help or what their routines are, but I can observe and know I usually cook dinners as they both work full-time.
Last extended visit, the kids were even younger but now they are at the stage where they act up a lot, ask for special treats, push the boundaries and such. Their behavior seems extra whiny and difficult when we're around or my son is around. Not the nanny or mom.
Is there anything we should or should not do?

Keep in mind that the simple fact of you being there disrupts their routine, and kids tend to act out when their routines are disrupted, particularly at that age.

Ask your son what his family needs from you while you are staying there. Ask specifically about what kinds of dinners they would like. Maybe your son remembers certain food items fondly from childhood but doesn't know how to make them. Maybe they would all really love more complicated meals but never have the time.

As for the kids, you should be very clear that your role is not disciplinarian. You should avoid commenting on the kids' behavior or the way their parents handle it. You should ask what the rules are about giving them special treats and then not break those rules.

Basically, be courteous and ask your son and his wife for guidance about how to interact with their children.

This is all great advice, but the bolded especially.

It's great you are even thinking about this OP!

[Anonymous]

I think you can certainly help discipline the kids, IF the rules are clear and you are reiterating what the nanny or parents already told them. What's not cool is to do the opposite or play good cop/bad cop with the parents. Even having the kid "go ask mommy" creates the good guy/bad guy dynamic that kids pick up in and exploit. Face it, we all know how to instill good habits in kids, if you are staying that long you should help in that department.

[Anonymous]

If you are staying for a few weeks, you are no longer houseguests and in my world you lose the privilege of getting to spoil the kids with extra sugary treats or whatever grandparents seem to think is their prerogative because I can't have that going on for weeks on end.

You enforce whatever rules the parents have established (seems like nanny and mom have that role in this family, so follow what they do). You're disrupting the routine of little children so of course they are thrown off and perhaps a little whinier than usual. They are also attempting to see where you all on the spectrum of what they can get away with. If you want them to not be whiny with you follow the nanny and mom's examples since you say they are also whiny with your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bless you for making dinner. I'm sure that's a huge help.

Right. It is helpful, it is also an easy tradeoff. Because the alternative is the parent going to work for 10 hours, getting home to two whiny kids and having to meal plan, pay for and cook for 4 hungry adults every single day.

[Anonymous]

When my in-laws visit, we print out where the kids go when so they know what we're doing and can decide when they want to tag along. I do not allow them to give the kids sugary treats or dessert before dinner or anything like that. If they did that, I'd have to ask them to leave.

I know it's not a popular opinion but I do not believe a grandparent's role is to spoil grandchildren with food. Spoil them by reading them more books than I have time/patience for? Sure. Spoil them by letting them do an art project I can't do with them? Sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're staying at my son's house for a few weeks and they have two pre-schoolers. He hasn't provided much in terms of how to help or what their routines are, but I can observe and know I usually cook dinners as they both work full-time.
Last extended visit, the kids were even younger but now they are at the stage where they act up a lot, ask for special treats, push the boundaries and such. Their behavior seems extra whiny and difficult when we're around or my son is around. Not the nanny or mom.
Is there anything we should or should not do?

Can you ask him? It's normal for kids to change behavior when something different/special is happening. Don't criticize your son's and DIL's parenting, just ask how you can be most helpful and how they want you to respond when they kids act up, whine, beg for treats, etc.

[Anonymous]

Each night, ask for a very general overview/plan for the next day: what can I give them for after-school snack? One or two shows while I cook dinner, etc.