Help- now to talk to nt kids about sn kid
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| A sn 3rd grader said something mean to my kindergartener, which upset him, but I told him not to worry about it. His school has an autism program and the kids are combined for afterschool. Any books/resources to help expose our son and make him more tolerant/understanding? |
Anonymous
| This is a good list: http://www.whatdowedoallday.com/childrens-books-about-special-needs/ |
Anonymous
| Thank you. Do I point out the other child's differences, or just keeping "don't worry about it" when she's mean? Thx. |
Anonymous
|
Special needs mom here.
If another child is mean to your child, you deal with the meanness and the comment said. The child does not get a pass because he/she has special needs. Separately from that, if your child has questions about autism, great for you to want to answer them clearly and truthfully, but this particular situation should be dealt with like any other school incident. "Larla, I don't like it when you call me "Shorty." It hurts my feelings. Please don't do it again." Telling your child that kids with special needs are excused from behavioral norms does everyone a disservice. It's condescending to special needs kids and reinforces the myth that special needs is some kind of Get Out of Jail Free Card, which fosters resentment. |
Anonymous
|
you are correct that there is no get out of jail free card - for anyone in life - but special needs kids can have social delays and pick up cues slowly. So, that is perhaps the focus that is good for neurotypical kids. Ask them, well did you tell the other kids (a) that hurt my feelings, don't do it again, (2) walk away, (3) get a teacher....
All kids need help using positive protocal to deal with hurtful statements. Kids with social delays may however need more help understanding the cues - that is why getting a teacher and articulating the issue is the important point - focus on the behavior when talking to your kid. X made a poor choice, it is important to tell the kid how that choice made you feel, then walk away, redirect, get a teacher..... The skill of articulating feeling and re-framing to have a focus on behavior is helpful for all kids. No one likes being called out for poor choices - adults included. But teaching your kid now how to articulate how someone's choice impacts them is a great life skill. Heck i use those skills to manage 50 year old professionals who also don't always pick up social cues despite their big brains and kind hearts...LOL. |
Anonymous
|
Telling a kid, "Don't worry about it" is really unhelpful because it minimizes their feelings. And how do you know that the child who said the mean comment was in the autism program?
Regardless, you could talk to your child about impulse control -- the ability to "stop and think" -- and how everyone develops that skill at different times. I've explained to my kids that, for example, no 2 year old has impulse control and no one expects them to. Then, over the years, people develop the ability to remember to keep mean thoughts inside their heads, but different people develop that skill at different times. Point out a skill that your child is still developing, or a skill that she's mastered now, but didn't have a few months ago. But still talk about how the mean comment made her feel, validate her feelings around that, and give her tools for dealing with it next time (like pp have said, "That hurts my feelings!") |
Anonymous
Always escalating minor kid-on-kid interactions to the teacher is not helpful and frustrates kids and teachers and sets special needs kids up for failure and overblown disciplinary action. |
Anonymous
| Expecting 8 year olds to act like short adults doesn't help either, PP. If she needs help, she should feel free to ask for it, rather than be afraid to ask a teacher /counselor at aftercare to do her job. |
Anonymous
Of course children are free to go to teacher. You expressed a 1-2-3 protocol which looked like going to teacher was always the second step. |
Anonymous
Correction: Step 3 |
Anonymous
|
This is really great:
http://momnos.blogspot.com/2010/03/on-being-hair-dryer-kid-in-toaster.html |
Anonymous
|
Thanks. op here. i saw the exchange. The 3rd grader has special needs, not sure of her exact diagnosis - not my business. She called my son "the meanest kid ever" when he touched something she had been playing with (but which wasn't evident). He just walked away (we were on our way out anyway), but then almost as an afterthought (of after he processed it), he looked back and said, "I'm not the meanest kid ever."
I asked him how it made him feel and he said sad. but I told him that it certainly wasn't true, that she was just upset about the toy, and that she probably didn't really mean it since she is usually very nice (overly social) to my son usually. We all have our parenting styles, but I'm not going to tell my kid to raise every incident like that to the teacher. We all need to learn to let minor infractions roll off our back; I'm also trying to teach my kid some empathy. Now if it becomes a pattern, that's different. My question is basically how to raise special needs kids with my son. Thanks for the resources. I will look at those. |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm not sure how another kid saying to your kid "You are the meanest kid ever" is a crisis or a special needs issue. Can't he handle this himself? Honestly, I just don't get what the big deal is. I thought she had blown a gasket or said or done something really ugly. This is so...mundane. Yeah, it's not the nicest thing out of a kid's mouth but really, OP. C'mon. Do you need a protocol for this? Do you really need special advice on the SN Forum? For this? |
Anonymous
| It sounds like your son brushed this off. Why do you think he needs to read books about her condition? |
Anonymous
|
When my DD was in elementary, her school had a program for autistic kids and severely ummm ... special ed kids. She just understood they were "special" and couldn't always play or interact the same way the regular kids could.
When she could, she'd involve them in her recess and lunch groups and when they couldn't handle it she left them alone. When the school called to say a boy had a freakout and accidentally gave her a black eye, we talked about it at home and she went back to the school and asked them to have the boy apologize. I called and said as long as he apologized in some way we weren't going to make a big deal out of it. She understood he couldn't help it and didn't mean it personally. |