Snooping Mom

[Anonymous]

I had a box of old love letters that were precious to me (from age 12-end of college). Somehow during a move I lost the box and considered it lost.

My mom found the box today at her house today, opened all the letters and read them all. She took pictures of the letters and sent them to her sister and some friends about how funny they were. I assume the box ended up at her house because during the move she had taken some of my furniture. She says since the letters are at her house, she had every right to read them.

I am so pissed. This brings up all the memories of I had during high school. She was always snooping through my stuff and listening in on phone calls. I never felt like I had any privacy. Is there anything I can even say or do? She thinks she did nothing wrong and is still reading these letters and is still quoting funny bits to me. My family was flying to visit her later this month.

[Anonymous]

Wow, that's really disrespectful of your mom. They were not her letters b/c if you knew about where they were you would have taken them as they were yours. I would tell her that you feel like your privacy was doubly violated. Once for her reading them and twice for taking pictures and sharing them with her family and friends. If she still doesn't get it then take a break from contact with her. Do you have kids? I know this might be mean but keep them away from her for awhile. Maybe then she'll understand how hurtful she's being.

[Anonymous]

OP here yes I have kids. It just hurts that she read the letters, sees nothing wrong in doing so and then belittles the letters. When i was young, some of these letters were important to me and meant a lot to me. They weren't stupid regardless of what she thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a box of old love letters that were precious to me (from age 12-end of college). Somehow during a move I lost the box and considered it lost.

My mom found the box today at her house today, opened all the letters and read them all. She took pictures of the letters and sent them to her sister and some friends about how funny they were. I assume the box ended up at her house because during the move she had taken some of my furniture. She says since the letters are at her house, she had every right to read them.

I am so pissed. This brings up all the memories of I had during high school. She was always snooping through my stuff and listening in on phone calls. I never felt like I had any privacy. Is there anything I can even say or do? She thinks she did nothing wrong and is still reading these letters and is still quoting funny bits to me. My family was flying to visit her later this month.

Well, as a child, I think it's like a job - no expectation of privacy - living in my house, my rules, blah blah blah... the plight of a young child.

However, what she is doing now is humiliating you and being funny at your expense and she should respect the fact that you don't like it and stop... That is really all there is to it.

[Anonymous]

That's really mean. Tell her that she violated your privacy, you are really hurt, and you want an apology. Then see how she responds.

[Anonymous]

She clearly does not understand appropriate boundaries. I honestly might not begrudge her looking through them, but sending them to other people sounds like "mean girl" crap that you shouldn't have to deal with from your mother. She sounds awful - I'm sorry, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She clearly does not understand appropriate boundaries. I honestly might not begrudge her looking through them, but sending them to other people sounds like "mean girl" crap that you shouldn't have to deal with from your mother. She sounds awful - I'm sorry, op.

This. Agree. Your mom has boundary issues. She might be a toxic personality. Carolyn Hax the columnist has some book on boundaries that she recommends. That might help you learn to protect yourself from your mom.

My mom has done many similar things to me.

When I was a kid, she read my diary. Then laughed about it and talked about it with friends.
When I was a teen, she intercepted my phone calls and had long conversations with the person who was trying to talk to me.
When I was a young adult, she accused me of something pretty serious (stealing from her home) and then when she realized it was her own mistake, would not admit that she accused me in the first place
Most recently, she told friends and relatives the extremely private reason that I was getting a divorce, but twisted it in a way to make it more salacious.

It's all really hurtful, but even more so when she won't admit responsibility for any of it at all.

I now keep her at arms length so she can never hurt me again.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I would ask her, firmly, to stop reading them, certainly stop TELLING anyone about them, and that you'll pay her to box them up and send them to you.

Is your Dad around? Maybe he can handle this.

I can't imagine having her for a visit without her apologizing.

[Anonymous]

My mother was a nutcase about snooping. She wouldn't even be sneaky about it. She would come right into my condo when I was an adult and start snooping through drawers, looking under couches, going through papers. It was bizarre and I cold never figure out what she thought she was looking to find. For her it was shear boredom, curiosity, and entitlement to do whatever she pleased, a very toxic personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a nutcase about snooping. She wouldn't even be sneaky about it. She would come right into my condo when I was an adult and start snooping through drawers, looking under couches, going through papers. It was bizarre and I cold never figure out what she thought she was looking to find. For her it was shear boredom, curiosity, and entitlement to do whatever she pleased, a very toxic personality.

+1

Understatement. OP's mom sounds sick. OP, don't let her in your house by herself. Who knows what she will steal. Funny, she is trying to make you the problem - no one questions her lack of boundaries and abusive behavior? Wow.

[Anonymous]

I like to think I have a fairly high tolerance level for family drama and bullshit, but this would absolutely cross that line. I would never respect a person like that nor make any effort to have a real relationship with them, regardless of who they are or what relation they are to me. Sending you virtual hugs and awe for being able to be strong enough to put up with a mother like this.

[Anonymous]

Maybe check out the book "Boundaries", author's name is Cloud. It might help you learn how to deal with her. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Those letters are DECADES old. She probably figures they were innoculous (considering you've moved on, married, started a family) and would make a good laugh/walk down memory lane especially written from a 12 yr old + boy. I think we all get a bit of a snicker looking back on on younger years - the high school yearbook, old photos, etc.

I don't think she meant any harm. She's your mom after all and not some revengeful person. Plus, you probably shut her out during your teen/college years with your love life and social scene which probably really hurt her feelings (hence her need to listen in on phone calls). Imagine what that was like for her all those years. Seeing those letters probably filled in the blanks for her b/c she wanted to relate to you, give you love advice, etc at the time, but never got the chance.

Just shrug it off. The letters are not even relevant anymore and haven't been for years. Why are you even keeping them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those letters are DECADES old. She probably figures they were innoculous (considering you've moved on, married, started a family) and would make a good laugh/walk down memory lane especially written from a 12 yr old + boy. I think we all get a bit of a snicker looking back on on younger years - the high school yearbook, old photos, etc.

I don't think she meant any harm. She's your mom after all and not some revengeful person. Plus, you probably shut her out during your teen/college years with your love life and social scene which probably really hurt her feelings (hence her need to listen in on phone calls). Imagine what that was like for her all those years. Seeing those letters probably filled in the blanks for her b/c she wanted to relate to you, give you love advice, etc at the time, but never got the chance.

Just shrug it off. The letters are not even relevant anymore and haven't been for years. Why are you even keeping them?

This response is insane in the membrane. Don't listen to this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Even I feel like crying when I read this, OP. Your mother is an asshole with no sensitivity or respect for your privacy. I'd have a hard time getting past that, in your shoes.