Snooping Mom

[Anonymous]

I'd ask her if she needed money, entertainment or both.

Then I'd send enough to cover the cost of shipping them to you and buy her a book on boundaries/etiquette and movie tickets. This covers all your bases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd ask her if she needed money, entertainment or both.

Then I'd send enough to cover the cost of shipping them to you and buy her a book on boundaries/etiquette and movie tickets. This covers all your bases.

+1

Love this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those letters are DECADES old. . . . snipped. . . . BLAH BLAH BLAH . . .

Don't listen to this toxic response, OP. Horrible.

Those of you with poisonous mothers who crush your boundaries and then laugh and belittle you--I am so sorry you deal with this. It has caused you lasting damage. There is a good book called Boundaries that can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those letters are DECADES old. She probably figures they were innoculous (considering you've moved on, married, started a family) and would make a good laugh/walk down memory lane especially written from a 12 yr old + boy. I think we all get a bit of a snicker looking back on on younger years - the high school yearbook, old photos, etc.

I don't think she meant any harm. She's your mom after all and not some revengeful person. Plus, you probably shut her out during your teen/college years with your love life and social scene which probably really hurt her feelings (hence her need to listen in on phone calls). Imagine what that was like for her all those years. Seeing those letters probably filled in the blanks for her b/c she wanted to relate to you, give you love advice, etc at the time, but never got the chance.

Just shrug it off. The letters are not even relevant anymore and haven't been for years. Why are you even keeping them?

100% agree. My mom does this kind of stuff. I laugh at myself. Things were awfully melodramatic back then in the teen years! Try not to take yourself so seriously. You sound crazy if you make a big deal over letters from WHEN YOU WERE TWELVE.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is a jerk. Pure and simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those letters are DECADES old. She probably figures they were innoculous (considering you've moved on, married, started a family) and would make a good laugh/walk down memory lane especially written from a 12 yr old + boy. I think we all get a bit of a snicker looking back on on younger years - the high school yearbook, old photos, etc.

I don't think she meant any harm. She's your mom after all and not some revengeful person. Plus, you probably shut her out during your teen/college years with your love life and social scene which probably really hurt her feelings (hence her need to listen in on phone calls). Imagine what that was like for her all those years. Seeing those letters probably filled in the blanks for her b/c she wanted to relate to you, give you love advice, etc at the time, but never got the chance.

Just shrug it off. The letters are not even relevant anymore and haven't been for years. Why are you even keeping them?

100% agree. My mom does this kind of stuff. I laugh at myself. Things were awfully melodramatic back then in the teen years! Try not to take yourself so seriously. You sound crazy if you make a big deal over letters from WHEN YOU WERE TWELVE.

Op here. I'm more concerned about the love letters from my first marriage. I'm sentimental and they're all apart of me.

My own husband would never snoop even if I left them open. Some people have boundaries.

[Anonymous]

She should be embarrassed. She is embarrassing herself. Others paying attention lack class too. You should do all you can, within reason, to get them back but be a class act yourself and don't let it get under your skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those letters are DECADES old. She probably figures they were innoculous (considering you've moved on, married, started a family) and would make a good laugh/walk down memory lane especially written from a 12 yr old + boy. I think we all get a bit of a snicker looking back on on younger years - the high school yearbook, old photos, etc.

I don't think she meant any harm. She's your mom after all and not some revengeful person. Plus, you probably shut her out during your teen/college years with your love life and social scene which probably really hurt her feelings (hence her need to listen in on phone calls). Imagine what that was like for her all those years. Seeing those letters probably filled in the blanks for her b/c she wanted to relate to you, give you love advice, etc at the time, but never got the chance.

Just shrug it off. The letters are not even relevant anymore and haven't been for years. Why are you even keeping them?

100% agree. My mom does this kind of stuff. I laugh at myself. Things were awfully melodramatic back then in the teen years! Try not to take yourself so seriously. You sound crazy if you make a big deal over letters from WHEN YOU WERE TWELVE.

Op here. I'm more concerned about the love letters from my first marriage. I'm sentimental and they're all apart of me.

My own husband would never snoop even if I left them open. Some people have boundaries.

Op don't listen to the two posters above, it is unbelievable le that they justify what your mother did and even try to make you feel the one at fault ("you shit your poor mom out during the teen years") . You are absolutely right in being upset , she not only read the letters (many people would have done that probably) but she even send them around to family and friends for a good laugh, a good laugh over something very private belonging to somebody else (and not just letters from when you were 12 but also orders from when you were an adult). Your mother even refused to apologize and admit her mistake trying instead to make you feel like the crazy one. Your mother sounds like an abuser and it sounds like you are still not too good at defending yourself against her . In this case you are totally right and she is totally wrong. Get your letters back and keep her at arms length for the rest of your life, don't share anything important with her. P

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that's really disrespectful of your mom. They were not her letters b/c if you knew about where they were you would have taken them as they were yours. I would tell her that you feel like your privacy was doubly violated. Once for her reading them and twice for taking pictures and sharing them with her family and friends. If she still doesn't get it then take a break from contact with her. Do you have kids? I know this might be mean but keep them away from her for awhile. Maybe then she'll understand how hurtful she's being.

Wow. Use your kids to punish snooping grandma? Grow up.

I agree this is a major violation, OP.

[Anonymous]

To the OP and anyone else with a snooping mom:

Would you mind answering a question? I am currently doing a research project to determine the affects on grown children who have parents with poor boundaries. I am curious if any of you found that you attracted/married abusive partners.

I would appreciate it. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She clearly does not understand appropriate boundaries. I honestly might not begrudge her looking through them, but sending them to other people sounds like "mean girl" crap that you shouldn't have to deal with from your mother. She sounds awful - I'm sorry, op.

This. Agree. Your mom has boundary issues. She might be a toxic personality. Carolyn Hax the columnist has some book on boundaries that she recommends. That might help you learn to protect yourself from your mom.

My mom has done many similar things to me.

When I was a kid, she read my diary. Then laughed about it and talked about it with friends.
When I was a teen, she intercepted my phone calls and had long conversations with the person who was trying to talk to me.
When I was a young adult, she accused me of something pretty serious (stealing from her home) and then when she realized it was her own mistake, would not admit that she accused me in the first place
Most recently, she told friends and relatives the extremely private reason that I was getting a divorce, but twisted it in a way to make it more salacious.

It's all really hurtful, but even more so when she won't admit responsibility for any of it at all.

I now keep her at arms length so she can never hurt me again.

That is beyond messed up. She owes you an apology. I know it doesn't help but I am very sorry this happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the OP and anyone else with a snooping mom:

Would you mind answering a question? I am currently doing a research project to determine the affects on grown children who have parents with poor boundaries. I am curious if any of you found that you attracted/married abusive partners.

I would appreciate it. Thanks.

You'll get a better grade if you spell "effects" correctly.

[Anonymous]

While it isn't right to read them sharing as she did went well beyond the bounds of respect. She owes you an apology and in addition should also communicate said apology to those she shared your letters with asking them to delete and urging them to not share with anyone else.