Seeking advice - desperate - 7 year old anger issues

[Anonymous]

I'm really hoping someone on this board will have advice for us. We have three children and our middle child has recently had very big explosive blow-ups at school and at home.

Background: Our son is the middle child. He's always been sensitive as a baby, toddler, and a kid. He was borderline colicky, fussy while breastfeeding and had some eczema. He had some outbursts in preschool but they were controllable. He moved onto kindergarten, had a great first semester, and then had a couple of outbursts second semester. That particular outburst involved arguing with another kid in line. The other kid kept telling him that he cut and to keep his hands to himself. Our son couldn't take the comments and got uncontrollable. I believe he also hit the principal during this outburst. We got over this and he finished the year well. First grade came and he did great first semester (great, meaning no incidents of hitting, etc, great report card). He's bright (I say this from comparing him to his siblings), likes to follow rules, but also very much likes to play and has a lot of friends.

After this winter break, we noticed a big change in his behavior. At home, if things don't go his way while playing with siblings, he'll hit or throw. He hit another student a few weeks ago at school, was taken aside by the counselor, and he was clearly looking "off" when I picked him up at school. The next day, he had a huge blow-up where he threw things at other kids and the counselor and principal had to come and carry him to the office. He stayed in the office for a few hours, not able to let go of what happened and the "injustice" of him being taken away while other students went on with the day. He kept saying that kids were laughing at him and making faces at him. He's had two more incidents of hitting kids at school - there were triggers for each incident but the triggers were also normal things that a first grader would experience at school (like kids being too loud, kids bumping into you, etc).

Anyway, he has now been kicked out of his taekwondo lessons because of an outburst today. It was his only outburst in the two years he's been attending the lessons. He punched and kicked the instructor.

I'm involved at school and there is no bullying or anything like that. The teachers/counselor/principal are all super supportive and want him to get help. We just started seeing a behavioral therapist - we've had just one session. From just one session, she's said that he is very conscientious and when things don't get his way, he panics - so the hitting is more of panicking rather than aggression. I think she's pretty correct in her assessment and I'm sure more will come out with more sessions.

In the meantime, I'm wondering if anyone has any similar experiences with their children or any advice at all.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you! I used to have a hitter. It's hard. It was not planned.

Do you know the Explosive Child by Ross Greene? Recommend you get this and poke around his website Lives in the Balance. He also has a book for kids now called Flex or something like that. It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. There's also What to Do When Your Temper Flares.

Since he's having problems at school I would ask if he can get some accommodations (like take a break area etc) and ask for an IEP evaluation due to suspected disability.

It's really hard! It's too bad he was kicked out of tae kwon do. Karate has been really good for my kid.

Those are some initial thoughts.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you. I'll look up those books and read through the websites.

It's sad to see him struggling and to also feel like there isn't much we can do to help him. We are very conscious of the tone in our voices when we talk to him and overall trying to remain calm when the outbursts happen. He seems to get more fired up if we show any anger or frustration with him.

Other behaviors I've noticed over time: He takes a long time to forget instances where he's been wronged. He seems to never forget. I've at times had thoughts that he might have some mental illness. It sounds extreme but in those moments he just looks crazy to me. He says things like 'they should go to jail' quite frequently.

If we're driving and someone honks at me, he'll get upset and start yelling, even though I remain calm and don't say anything.

The most recent incident with the principal involved him taking of his shoes and throwing them and also telling all the adults to be quiet, repeatedly.

I'm afraid he will hurt students at school and recently thought that I could homeschool him if he doesn't get better.

I just don't know what brought about this sudden change in behavior. He had a great first semester. All of a sudden he doesn't like any of the kids in his class. He still wants to go to school but I don't he can control his impulses.

[Anonymous]

Books help. Consider asking you pediatrician for a therapist/counselor recommendation. Just a few sessions to help DS work thru his anger.

-- From someonee who didn't do that and it only got worse as he aged

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the anger is trying to mask the anxiety. It sounds like he gets upset when he cannot control his world and the people in it. My son was not a hitter but would get very OCD when his anxiety would flare up
And would try to control others around him. We did behavioral therapy as well as visual schedules. He got to make choices about some of the littlest things like what he wore or what to eat and we made a big deal about it. Your son is old enough he could create his own schedules for the day. Is very empowering. Control the controllables as they say. It helped a lot. It wasn't quite enough though and we are pursuing medication.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain OP. Hang in there. DD is 8 years and fits the textbook example of The Explosive Child. The books helps. I don't have much advise other than I feel your pain. Unfortunately, when DD acts out in public, I get glares from other moms as that rubs salt on the wounds. The Explosive Child helps in that it makes you realize, it's not your parenting skills that is causing this behavior. We another child is that calm.

Hugs to you for strength and courage.

[Anonymous]

OP - you didn't mention this, so I will assume that you have not had him evaluated by a psychiatrist?

This is the first thing I would do at 9am tomorrow morning. Start making calls and get an appointment with a respected child psychiatrist to get him evaluated. Clearly something is going on, as what you're describing is not typical behavior.

I'm not saying for you to panic, but you must get him help right away so that he can function at his highest possible level (maybe through a combo of behavioral therapy, meds and also parent training), and also so that the overall health of your family is no longer negatively effected. Its not fair to your other children - do not forget about their mental health as well. Over time your middle child's behavior will have long lasting effects on them as well.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. BTDT with a spirited, and often angry child. In my DD's case, the anger issues were an expression of her anxiety, which is severe.

So like a PP, I would urge you to have your child evaluated by a child psychiatrist. And I will give another vote for Ross Greene's work. On the Lives in the Balance website, you will find inventories and questionnaires that will enable you to pinpoint when the demands of the environment outpace your child's ability to cope. That's what makes for the explosiveness. As Greene says, "kids do well when they can"--and some aspects of school and classes are pushing your child past what he can do successfully.

[Anonymous]

If you can - take Dr Shapiro's class. At this stage, parent training is probably more important than therapy for your kid, but once you have some better strategies, I would find a really good therapist. They are out there. This can get better! (Sounds like my DS who has severe anxiety. Also got started much too late on therapy and meds. Wish I had gotten better advice when he was younger.)

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

How are you handling the discussion of these outbursts at home? What are you doing?

[Anonymous]

NP here, curious, for those of you who have indicated that this sounds like your child who was at some point diagnosed with anxiety. I am wondering at what age and who diagnosed your child and where you went from there. This behavior sounds a lot like my DS (5.5). Psychiatrist indicated only that he has impulse control problems, but given some of our conversations with him during calm moments we know that he is an anxious kid in general, just not sure how much is normal and will get better as he matures or whether to be concerned. We have not yet read the Explosive Child book but have taken Dr. Dan's class.

[Anonymous]

We recognized it as anxiety by 6 and started medication at 7. Wish we had started an ssri even earlier. We still have outbursts, but not as many and he recovers much quicker.

[Anonymous]

So sorry. We have a child that started to show anxiety around 1st grade. Not in the classroom but at home. He has respected the school environment but when he felt out of control in his environment he took it out at home. Turns out he has several LD's that increased his stress in the classroom. We did a full neurophych in 4th grade to get to the bottom of what was going on so we could find the help he needed. It has made a huge different giving him the tools to deal with his anxiety, working with tutors on reading/writing issues and a behavioral therapy. It takes time and we see when he's out of his structure routine (summer vacation, vacations away from his home) that he starts to get anxious- now we all have better methods for dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

I'd also suggest seeing a psychiatrist to help narrow what is going on! Sorry OP :-/

[Anonymous]

Get a neuropsych test...something's up with him. Don't waste time, just get the testing. Try OT as well...he may have some sensory processing stuff going on.
good luck. Move fast!