If you can't move or travel, you can't move up

[Anonymous]

Love my new company. I work at HQ in mid-level manager role. My eye is on moving up and doing it quickly. I have a toddler at home and a spouse with an inflexible job and a very "DC" career. We earn about the same, but due to choices we've both made my income potential is now higher.

The advice I got to move up is to be "relocatable" globally and/or be willing to take a job that requires significant travel for double my salary. If I just try to job hop locally, I'll only see incremental increases never enough to make a difference as DC is not a good city for what I do. (See above for DH "DC" based career - we've been here 10 years for him).

Im ok with moving /traveling if it means meaningful work and enough $$ to do things like pay off student loans or move inside the beltway. (We are ok, but struggle in the DC region cost of living). My spouse says absolutely no to either. He can't handle childcare and working and his career would be over if we left DC - even if we left to go to Europe for a year, he thinks it would be impossible to get back in the game.

So give up the dream? Ideas?

[Anonymous]

Give up the dream. Compromises. Look for a new job elsewhere where you can move up without those things.

[Anonymous]

Find a new dream. That sounds harsh, but I get it. I've topped out at my company if I'm not willing to relocate - and I'm not. I love my career, but not more than I love my life, and where we live is a big part of that.

[Anonymous]

Is your goal just to make a lot of money? You want to travel a ton with a toddler and miss out on much of their life?

Sounds like your DH doesnt wantnto be a rrailing spouse. Why notnfind a new career andnis DC centric and movebup within that? Lots of huge incomes here. Both DH and i are DC based (well more like Virginia dulles corridor based) and our combined income is 480k++. Living well. Love the opportunity here. Only other place our jobs are plentiful is the bas area and we have zero desire to live there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your goal just to make a lot of money? You want to travel a ton with a toddler and miss out on much of their life?

Sounds like your DH doesnt wantnto be a rrailing spouse. Why notnfind a new career andnis DC centric and movebup within that? Lots of huge incomes here. Both DH and i are DC based (well more like Virginia dulles corridor based) and our combined income is 480k++. Living well. Love the opportunity here. Only other place our jobs are plentiful is the bas area and we have zero desire to live there.

Men do this all the time. We never say to them they are missing on being with their kids.

[Anonymous]

You've spent 10 years in DC for DH's career. He needs to get on board with yours. What he's telling you is that your desires are not important to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your goal just to make a lot of money? You want to travel a ton with a toddler and miss out on much of their life?

Sounds like your DH doesnt wantnto be a rrailing spouse. Why notnfind a new career andnis DC centric and movebup within that? Lots of huge incomes here. Both DH and i are DC based (well more like Virginia dulles corridor based) and our combined income is 480k++. Living well. Love the opportunity here. Only other place our jobs are plentiful is the bas area and we have zero desire to live there.

Men do this all the time. We never say to them they are missing on being with their kids.

Really? Mine lasted one year in a job that had heavy travel demands and long hours. He quit without even having a job lined up. The breaking point was missing multiple sports games his last month and walked in and quit on the spot. My DH hates travel and hates consistently working late. I manage a team of 10 people 2 are women without kids 4 are men with kids. 2 of the men are clearly the primary parent and refuse teavel (fine with me) and both are packed up and out the door by 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your goal just to make a lot of money? You want to travel a ton with a toddler and miss out on much of their life?

Sounds like your DH doesnt wantnto be a rrailing spouse. Why notnfind a new career andnis DC centric and movebup within that? Lots of huge incomes here. Both DH and i are DC based (well more like Virginia dulles corridor based) and our combined income is 480k++. Living well. Love the opportunity here. Only other place our jobs are plentiful is the bas area and we have zero desire to live there.

Men do this all the time. We never say to them they are missing on being with their kids.

Really? Mine lasted one year in a job that had heavy travel demands and long hours. He quit without even having a job lined up. The breaking point was missing multiple sports games his last month and walked in and quit on the spot. My DH hates travel and hates consistently working late. I manage a team of 10 people 2 are women without kids 4 are men with kids. 2 of the men are clearly the primary parent and refuse teavel (fine with me) and both are packed up and out the door by 5.

You must be new to this site, otherwise you wouldn't be so surprised that your example is not the norm here. This board is filled with women who have husbands in high travel/long hour jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your goal just to make a lot of money? You want to travel a ton with a toddler and miss out on much of their life?

Sounds like your DH doesnt wantnto be a rrailing spouse. Why notnfind a new career andnis DC centric and movebup within that? Lots of huge incomes here. Both DH and i are DC based (well more like Virginia dulles corridor based) and our combined income is 480k++. Living well. Love the opportunity here. Only other place our jobs are plentiful is the bas area and we have zero desire to live there.

Men do this all the time. We never say to them they are missing on being with their kids.

Really? Mine lasted one year in a job that had heavy travel demands and long hours. He quit without even having a job lined up. The breaking point was missing multiple sports games his last month and walked in and quit on the spot. My DH hates travel and hates consistently working late. I manage a team of 10 people 2 are women without kids 4 are men with kids. 2 of the men are clearly the primary parent and refuse teavel (fine with me) and both are packed up and out the door by 5.

You must be new to this site, otherwise you wouldn't be so surprised that your example is not the norm here. This board is filled with women who have husbands in high travel/long hour jobs.

It's hard to have a SAHM without a long-hour/travel heavy breadwinner role for the DH. So yes, it is very common and no one bats an eye about the DH missing being with his kids.

Flip the role, have SAHD and breadwinner DW, and you have violated the laws of nature and are forever shunned.

So OP, you have to think really hard in general what makes you happy and what you want for you and as a family. Giving up your DH career could more disruptive than you realize.

[Anonymous]

Can you do it, OP?? Do you like work travel? I didn't mind it when I was doing it, but these days I wouldn't be able to stand it. Being on the road all the time is not easy. I wish you luck with your decision.

- Wife of traveling spouse who also relocated as a trailing spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love my new company. I work at HQ in mid-level manager role. My eye is on moving up and doing it quickly. I have a toddler at home and a spouse with an inflexible job and a very "DC" career. We earn about the same, but due to choices we've both made my income potential is now higher.

The advice I got to move up is to be "relocatable" globally and/or be willing to take a job that requires significant travel for double my salary. If I just try to job hop locally, I'll only see incremental increases never enough to make a difference as DC is not a good city for what I do. (See above for DH "DC" based career - we've been here 10 years for him).

Im ok with moving /traveling if it means meaningful work and enough $$ to do things like pay off student loans or move inside the beltway. (We are ok, but struggle in the DC region cost of living). My spouse says absolutely no to either. He can't handle childcare and working and his career would be over if we left DC - even if we left to go to Europe for a year, he thinks it would be impossible to get back in the game.

So give up the dream? Ideas?

Are you planning on having more children? If not, your spouse may be more willing for some travel once your child enters full day school and it becomes easier. Having a traveling spouse means that the at home spouse is essentially agreeing to being the primary parent and being the "single" parent when the spouse travels. You cannot do this without your spouse's buy in. This is true regardless of the gender of the traveling parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love my new company. I work at HQ in mid-level manager role. My eye is on moving up and doing it quickly. I have a toddler at home and a spouse with an inflexible job and a very "DC" career. We earn about the same, but due to choices we've both made my income potential is now higher.

The advice I got to move up is to be "relocatable" globally and/or be willing to take a job that requires significant travel for double my salary. If I just try to job hop locally, I'll only see incremental increases never enough to make a difference as DC is not a good city for what I do. (See above for DH "DC" based career - we've been here 10 years for him).

Im ok with moving /traveling if it means meaningful work and enough $$ to do things like pay off student loans or move inside the beltway. (We are ok, but struggle in the DC region cost of living). My spouse says absolutely no to either. He can't handle childcare and working and his career would be over if we left DC - even if we left to go to Europe for a year, he thinks it would be impossible to get back in the game.

So give up the dream? Ideas?

Are you planning on having more children? If not, your spouse may be more willing for some travel once your child enters full day school and it becomes easier. Having a traveling spouse means that the at home spouse is essentially agreeing to being the primary parent and being the "single" parent when the spouse travels. You cannot do this without your spouse's buy in. This is true regardless of the gender of the traveling parent.

This, but also can you throw money at the problem especially because your salary would double? My field is very hard to do without some level of international travel. It's something I've been able to dodge so far by being in a role that primarily writes reports, but to move up I need to be open to traveling at least 3-4 times per year. I had a discussion with my spouse, who has been totally against me travelling, and we agreed that when I travel I will arrange extra support- babysitter 2x per week and housecleaning 1x per week while I'm away. I kind of think it's ridiculous because I am able to handle it all when he travels once a year for 3 weeks . But whatever, it is what will get us both what we want and we'll have more money to afford this with my new role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your goal just to make a lot of money? You want to travel a ton with a toddler and miss out on much of their life?

Sounds like your DH doesnt wantnto be a rrailing spouse. Why notnfind a new career andnis DC centric and movebup within that? Lots of huge incomes here. Both DH and i are DC based (well more like Virginia dulles corridor based) and our combined income is 480k++. Living well. Love the opportunity here. Only other place our jobs are plentiful is the bas area and we have zero desire to live there.

Men do this all the time. We never say to them they are missing on being with their kids.

Really? Mine lasted one year in a job that had heavy travel demands and long hours. He quit without even having a job lined up. The breaking point was missing multiple sports games his last month and walked in and quit on the spot. My DH hates travel and hates consistently working late. I manage a team of 10 people 2 are women without kids 4 are men with kids. 2 of the men are clearly the primary parent and refuse teavel (fine with me) and both are packed up and out the door by 5.

You must be new to this site, otherwise you wouldn't be so surprised that your example is not the norm here. This board is filled with women who have husbands in high travel/long hour jobs.

Nope not new. Maybe I'm younger than many of you. Dand in my circle of friends are participants at home.

[Anonymous]

I understand why moving would be hard, but I'm not getting why you don't put your foot down with DH and say you WILL travel. It would DOUBLE your salary?? For 2x the salary, he's not willing to take care of the kid at all? For 2x the salary, can't you get a nanny who can be the kid's "2nd parent" when you're away? And I know people here balk at travel - as do people at my work so maybe it's a DC thing - but what exactly are you missing if you're away from your toddler? Baby drool and snot and chattering about who knows what? You're not willing to miss that for 2x the money? A toddler isn't exactly fun - why wouldn't you want to develop your career, have more money which will only help said toddler in about 16 yrs, and give you the option of cutting back professionally as you get older and your kid is doing more fun things like high school sports and college tours?

[Anonymous]

I did it for my husband and have no regrets.