If you can't move or travel, you can't move up

[Anonymous]

I think you and your spouse need to talk and figure out what the long term strategy is for the 2 of you. I'm guessing you are in your 30's which is not old by any stretch. Maybe you lean out a bit now and lean in down the road.

Your current desire to relocate and/or travel doesn't work with the current situation (spouses job).

[Anonymous]

You know there are couples that make it work apart. You take the kid to Bonn or Tokyo or whatever. He stays in DC. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your goal just to make a lot of money? You want to travel a ton with a toddler and miss out on much of their life?

Sounds like your DH doesnt wantnto be a rrailing spouse. Why notnfind a new career andnis DC centric and movebup within that? Lots of huge incomes here. Both DH and i are DC based (well more like Virginia dulles corridor based) and our combined income is 480k++. Living well. Love the opportunity here. Only other place our jobs are plentiful is the bas area and we have zero desire to live there.

Men do this all the time. We never say to them they are missing on being with their kids.

Really? Mine lasted one year in a job that had heavy travel demands and long hours. He quit without even having a job lined up. The breaking point was missing multiple sports games his last month and walked in and quit on the spot. My DH hates travel and hates consistently working late. I manage a team of 10 people 2 are women without kids 4 are men with kids. 2 of the men are clearly the primary parent and refuse teavel (fine with me) and both are packed up and out the door by 5.

And the other 8 people in the office are totally ok with these 2 men doing that? They don't have a problem with the fact that they need to take on a higher proportion of the travel/staying late at the office because these two men are "primary parents?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why moving would be hard, but I'm not getting why you don't put your foot down with DH and say you WILL travel. It would DOUBLE your salary?? For 2x the salary, he's not willing to take care of the kid at all? For 2x the salary, can't you get a nanny who can be the kid's "2nd parent" when you're away? And I know people here balk at travel - as do people at my work so maybe it's a DC thing - but what exactly are you missing if you're away from your toddler? Baby drool and snot and chattering about who knows what? You're not willing to miss that for 2x the money? A toddler isn't exactly fun - why wouldn't you want to develop your career, have more money which will only help said toddler in about 16 yrs, and give you the option of cutting back professionally as you get older and your kid is doing more fun things like high school sports and college tours?

This. Honestly my first thought would be to beg one of my parents to help if they were able to live nearby/help. I know my two aunts benefitted on the childcare front from my grandmother helping with their kids.

My DH traveled quite a bit when they were younger and his parents came to help quite a bit. Now that my kids are in school between the kids activities, the homework, coaching teams, organizing play dates etc, I am happy that he isn't traveling much now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why moving would be hard, but I'm not getting why you don't put your foot down with DH and say you WILL travel. It would DOUBLE your salary?? For 2x the salary, he's not willing to take care of the kid at all? For 2x the salary, can't you get a nanny who can be the kid's "2nd parent" when you're away? And I know people here balk at travel - as do people at my work so maybe it's a DC thing - but what exactly are you missing if you're away from your toddler? Baby drool and snot and chattering about who knows what? You're not willing to miss that for 2x the money? A toddler isn't exactly fun - why wouldn't you want to develop your career, have more money which will only help said toddler in about 16 yrs, and give you the option of cutting back professionally as you get older and your kid is doing more fun things like high school sports and college tours?

This. Honestly my first thought would be to beg one of my parents to help if they were able to live nearby/help. I know my two aunts benefitted on the childcare front from my grandmother helping with their kids.

My DH traveled quite a bit when they were younger and his parents came to help quite a bit. Now that my kids are in school between the kids activities, the homework, coaching teams, organizing play dates etc, I am happy that he isn't traveling much now.

PP, agreed with everything except putting foot down. Need to find workable solution so DH isn't sole parenting the whole time you are traveling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your goal just to make a lot of money? You want to travel a ton with a toddler and miss out on much of their life?

Sounds like your DH doesnt wantnto be a rrailing spouse. Why notnfind a new career andnis DC centric and movebup within that? Lots of huge incomes here. Both DH and i are DC based (well more like Virginia dulles corridor based) and our combined income is 480k++. Living well. Love the opportunity here. Only other place our jobs are plentiful is the bas area and we have zero desire to live there.

Men do this all the time. We never say to them they are missing on being with their kids.

Really? Mine lasted one year in a job that had heavy travel demands and long hours. He quit without even having a job lined up. The breaking point was missing multiple sports games his last month and walked in and quit on the spot. My DH hates travel and hates consistently working late. I manage a team of 10 people 2 are women without kids 4 are men with kids. 2 of the men are clearly the primary parent and refuse teavel (fine with me) and both are packed up and out the door by 5.

And the other 8 people in the office are totally ok with these 2 men doing that? They don't have a problem with the fact that they need to take on a higher proportion of the travel/staying late at the office because these two men are "primary parents?"

Nope. I have a few people that jump at travel. They love it. Their work areas are very sectioned off, so if someone isn't pulling their load, it doesn't impact others. People who have time restrictions learn to utilize their time wisely. If you don't have time to burn , you don't screw around. My MVP is one of those men and he's getting a promotion.

[Anonymous]

Asking re:a theoretical is useless

[Anonymous]

Op, you are correct, this is the choice many people have to make. I was faced with the same choice and chose my family over my career advancement. No regrets

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've spent 10 years in DC for DH's career. He needs to get on board with yours. What he's telling you is that your desires are not important to him.

This.