"We need to talk about expectations...."

[Anonymous]

I periodically get these emails from someone about my child saying that we need to talk about expectations for X class/activity and that they want my input in how they can best meet my child's needs within the classroom/activity setting.

I am grateful that they are trying to meet my child's needs but I am mostly just deperessed whenever I have to have one of these conversations. The truth is that I do not have good answers. I have certain things that work occasionally but much of the time nothing I do really works. Yes, we've done the behavioral classes and the medication and the therapy. Sometimes it helps some. But the truth is that I really don't know what to tell these people other than yes, I will review classroom expectations with my child so he knows what is expected of him. (And then I'll call the President and let him know my expectations for presidential behavior. Neither of them will give a crap about my expectations.). But I will steel myself for another conversation in which I will offer advice that is likely to be totally useless.

[Anonymous]

Is it an activity or school? If its an activity, maybe you need to find a better fit for an activity or instructor if that instructor cannot handle your child.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I know. The problem is that this particular activity is one that he's 75% done with, and if he drops out. Ow he'll have to repeat in order to do something that he says he wants to do.
But it's not really the activity--I get essentially the same email a couple times a year from teachers or whatever. I understand they are trying to be helpful by looping in the mom, and I do appreciate it, but the reality is that I do not have the answers and actually feel like my bag of tricks has now outlived its usefulness and I'm struggling to come up with new ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know. The problem is that this particular activity is one that he's 75% done with, and if he drops out. Ow he'll have to repeat in order to do something that he says he wants to do.
But it's not really the activity--I get essentially the same email a couple times a year from teachers or whatever. I understand they are trying to be helpful by looping in the mom, and I do appreciate it, but the reality is that I do not have the answers and actually feel like my bag of tricks has now outlived its usefulness and I'm struggling to come up with new ones.

I'd just be honest with them and say, here are the things we've tried and worked and here are the things we tried that did not work. Unfortunately I am out of ideas at this point, but if you have any ideas I'd be happy to support you in any way I can. In some ways its nice they reach out to you. We get a oh, I know better than you and I can handle it (when they can't or I could tell them one thing to make it easier).

[Anonymous]

I got this last year my DC's classroom teacher and I found it incredibly depressing. Hello? You are supposed to be the expert. You are supposed to know how to work with these kids. What the hell do you want me to do?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need to cut through the jargon with them.

"Teacher Larla, has there been a specific incident? Can you give me some context for this email? I prefer to be very concrete with Larlo in terms of reviewing expectations and I don't want to waste your time providing vague input after 75% of Puppetry has been completed. Of course, we are happy to work with you in any way that will support you as his Art teacher."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it an activity or school? If its an activity, maybe you need to find a better fit for an activity or instructor if that instructor cannot handle your child.

This is sad but true.

[Anonymous]

Can DH handle these emails so you don't have to? Even if they're emailing you, forward to DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you need to cut through the jargon with them.

"Teacher Larla, has there been a specific incident? Can you give me some context for this email? I prefer to be very concrete with Larlo in terms of reviewing expectations and I don't want to waste your time providing vague input after 75% of Puppetry has been completed. Of course, we are happy to work with you in any way that will support you as his Art teacher."

Right intent but a bit over the top toward the end. I would say, Teacher, did something happen at school recently that concerned you enough to email. I can be of more helpful if I understand from you what specifically happened and how you feel I can support you.

[Anonymous]

I find it helps to be pro-active. At the beginning of the school year or the activity, tell the teacher what sort of problems to expect and that you are willing to work with her on solutions, but that you haven't had much success in the past.

[Anonymous]

I also dread these calls.

I try to reframe them as the starting point for a conversation. If I can demonstrate that I am listening to their concerns and am willing to partner to come up with a plan, then the relationship is off to a better start.

And yes it makes me grit my teeth when experienced teachers say stuff like- what can you do at home to make him behave in my classroom. That is why I treasure those teachers and staff that bring ideas to the table. And I try to have a few ideas of my own that I can offer as options too. But first I listen and practice my empathy skills because I really do know how hard my kid is to manage.