Default person for ex-step mom's mental health

[Anonymous]

My long time friend has found herself in the position of being the primary person "responsible" for her ex-step mother's declining mental health. ExSM was kind of awful, stingy, and generally unkind to DF growing up. Especially by comparison to how she treated her birth daughter. Birth daughter moved far away from home, and despite early on being showered with resources from her mother, and being extremely well off now, does next to nothing for her mother beyond holiday and birthday cards and occasional phone calls. DF in turn, lives locally and has been called upon over the years to take ExSM to chemo appointments, do grocery shopping/house cleaning/pet sitting (long after cancer remission). There is zero thanks offered, zero monetary help offered, (DF is fine, but not wealthy like her Step Sister is.) I could go on and on, but suffice to say it is a one way street. Over the years I have tried to be a sounding board for DF.

Lately, the ExSM's house has taken on hoarderish qualities. Rotting food on plates in the living room, cat excrement left on the couch, kind of thing. If DF cleans too much she gets accused of snooping. For the life of me I can not understand how DF has taken so much abuse and continues to be so kind to this woman. She is genuinely concerned about her mental decline, but doesn't have anyone else (family members) to enlist to help ExSM, she has tried to bring it up wok Step Sister (who has mostly cut off all contact with DF) but gets stonewalled. DF worries that if she were to put up full boundaries, something awful would happen to ExSM. How can I help? What other options are there?

[Anonymous]

Adult protective services?

Do they reach out to next of kin?

If they do I would make sure they have her daughter's contact information as the responsible party and next of kin.

[Anonymous]

Your DF needs counseling to help her navigate this situation. This is EXACTLY what counseling is for. I'm sure you and your DF think this situation is unique to her but it is not. It's been played over a thousand times.

In short, your DF is not responsible for her XSM and should not do anything more than what she is comfortable doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DF needs counseling to help her navigate this situation. This is EXACTLY what counseling is for. I'm sure you and your DF think this situation is unique to her but it is not. It's been played over a thousand times.

In short, your DF is not responsible for her XSM and should not do anything more than what she is comfortable doing.

Thank you for the reality check. It is a good reminder. I will focus on making sure DF is getting the support she needs. Thankfully, I know she is open to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Why is she even involved? Is shea doormat? She should say no. Then SS will step up.

[Anonymous]

She should inform all care providers that she is no longer the point of contact and give the step sisters number. Stop answering the phone. Call social services to step in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should inform all care providers that she is no longer the point of contact and give the step sisters number. Stop answering the phone. Call social services to step in.

This. She sounds kind, but she's sacrificing uselessly. The SS knows that DF will take care of things. Once DF pulls out of the situation, SS will HAVE to step in.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, my gut reaction was that your friend is amazing. She is caring for an elderly woman who has no one else showing her care. Allowing her to rot in filth is not always the answer, even if ex-SM was mean to her.

Of course there are boundaries, and if this is dragging your friend down emotionally, she needs to take care of herself too. But to me, she's showing a rotten old woman a tremendous amount of unconditional love. That's something to be applauded for sure.

[Anonymous]

I am responsible for my exSM. My father asked me to be kind and look out for her when he died. I do the minimum amount possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am responsible for my exSM. My father asked me to be kind and look out for her when he died. I do the minimum amount possible.

Did she and your father divorce before he died?