Can't stand the racist comments, what to do next time?

[Anonymous]

Came home from a visit with my in-laws and am still in shock about how racist they are. They have never been vocal about it around me, I just knew they had some issues because of a couple of comments my DH made. The comments I'd heard from them previous to this visit seemed like they were born and raised in the South, didn't ever know anyone from outside their background, fundamentally knew the racist opinion was wrong and were trying to correct what had been ingrained in them from a young age. But wow, this past visit with them was an eye opener. I think they made a racist comment about every 10 minutes during this last visit. My FIL also made a few sexist comments, which I've never heard from him before. I made one retort to their racist comments, but other than that I kept my mouth shut and just tried to get through the weekend. Now I am having a hard time with myself because I know I should have said more, but at the time I was shocked, uncomfortable, and didn't want to start a huge rift.

So now I have all these things going around in my head. One moment I feel like I'd rather just not ever see them again. The next, I'm remembering how nice they have been to me. The next, I'm thinking about my one-year-old daughter and wondering how I'm going to deal with explaining to her that he father and I do not agree with the grandparents, think their viewpoints are heinous, but we're spending time with them anyway. And then I go back to being pissed at myself for not saying more, since 2 of my closest friends are African American and I feel like I did them wrong by not saying something. I guess it doesn't even matter if I have non-white friends or not, but I felt so insulted and kept thinking, is this what they think about my friend, who they have met and were nice to his face?

What I don't get is that they are extremely charitable people who give a lot of money and goods to help lower income people in their area, most of whom are not white. Help me get my head around this and figure out what to do. I can't go through another weekend of listening to it without saying something, and I'd rather not explode into a rant that ends our relationship forever. I'd rather say something coherent that makes my point calmly and logically. I guess basically I don't give a crap what their opinions are, since I don't think I can change anyone's opinion, but I certainly do not want to hear this stuff every 10 minutes, and I don't want my daughter to hear it either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I don't get is that they are extremely charitable people who give a lot of money and goods to help lower income people in their area, most of whom are not white.

OP here, I read this sentence again after writing it and wonder if that is a racist comment in itself. How do I know they are mostly not white? I don't, actually. I'm getting that stat from the in-laws themselves, who have told me about a lot of the stuff they do to help people in the inner city of their area. It may be true, it may be false.

[Anonymous]

Gotta ask if you're the poster who posts about things people disagree on how to handle and when everyone's into a deep discussion about it, you come back and say thanks, everything worked out nicely, without any problems? If yes, are these real events in your life? Are you writing a book? What, then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gotta ask if you're the poster who posts about things people disagree on how to handle and when everyone's into a deep discussion about it, you come back and say thanks, everything worked out nicely, without any problems? If yes, are these real events in your life? Are you writing a book? What, then?

Another bunch of crap I don't know how to respond to. Can't understand why you'd assume I made the situation up. I don't even know why wanting to know how to deal with this would be controversial.

[Anonymous]

You can't cure the world and you cannot change people.
Accept them the way they are and tolerate it or say something, they will not change their ways, or have less to do with them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't cure the world and you cannot change people.
Accept them the way they are and tolerate it or say something, they will not change their ways, or have less to do with them

I know, but the problem is, I want to say something I just don't know what or how. Do I say something myself? Do I get DH to talk to them? Do I say something in front of everyone when they make the remarks? Do I come to them privately and talk?

[Anonymous]

Then ask them very nicely, but firmly, that they don't speak that way in front of you or your children.
Tell them that you respect their right to feel that way, but it's not the way you feel. You don't share their belief system, and that you are raising your children to be open and accept everyone for who they are. Regardless of race, sex, or religion.

[Anonymous]

you can tcontrol there feelings however yo can control whterh you allow yourself and your child tobe subjecated to it...



I would eithr have you DH or yourself sit downa down and let them know

you love them love your time iwth them yada yada ...

BUT you will not be around people who make racist comments and you will not allow your daughter around it either...


and follow through

you may ned to leave or ask them to leave a few times before it clicks

[Anonymous]

My father was like that, and got worse with age. I left the house when it got too bad for me. His attitude was, "it's my house, I can say nigger if I want to." I also made it clear when I had children that I wouldn't stand for him saying those things around my kids, and would leave immediately. Threatening to leave worked fairly well.

I would discuss it with your husband so you are on the same page as him, and do what works best for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father was like that, and got worse with age. I left the house when it got too bad for me. His attitude was, "it's my house, I can say nigger if I want to." I also made it clear when I had children that I wouldn't stand for him saying those things around my kids, and would leave immediately. Threatening to leave worked fairly well.

I would discuss it with your husband so you are on the same page as him, and do what works best for you.

I am in an almost identical situation. My own father is very racist, and so is my grandmother. When I was a child I was not allowed to have black friends and then, as I grew older and rebelled against that nonsense, I simply was not allowed to bring them to my house. As a kid, this was tough because we had a pool and I'd have pool parties and would have to make the decision as a really young kid -- am I going to give up my birthday party because I can't invite my black friends? I wish I could say I'd have chosen more wisely, but I remember making up a lot of excuses as to why I didn't invite so and so or so and so.

As an adult, I've never stopped resenting that. I remember during my college years, a black family moved in down the street and happened to personify many unfortunate stereotypes and that's all my dad needed. Then his racism became a point of contention, something he would deliberately stoke and embrace when I came by in order to get a rise out of me or to provoke an argument. This says a lot about his character back then, but all of this is a subject for another thread. Suffice it to say he was a deeply unhappy man and was himself the pawn of the bullshit class warfare that happened to be very rife within our blue collar community at the time.

In any case, after college I moved here to DC and didn't visit my parents much. When I did visit, I made it a point to never let a comment pass unchecked. I got very good at saying "I do not like that kind of talk" without allowing myself to get drawn into much more conversation. While in my younger days I wanted to educate my dad and tell him exactly why some of the impoverished (of every color) folks were often in the kind of situations that led to behaviors and stereotypes associated with them, as an older adult I realized that the words were lost on him. He would never listen to me and just wanted to provoke. My stepmom would always jump in and try to stop him. "___," she would say, "you are being very rude." To this day I don't know if she shared his racist feelings and just recognized that it was wrong of him to try to provoke me or if she was as embarrassed of him as we all were.

My grandmother is another case of a deep racist. Yet, where my dad is deeply unhappy and can sometimes thrive on being miserable and trying to infect others with that, my grandma is not like this. She was a source of love and joy to me as a child and I could never hate her for anything. So when she makes comments, I still do not let them pass, but I simply try to divorce the hatred I have of the way she feels or behaves with respect to race from the way I feel about HER. I'm sure that is what OP's DH has learned to do after all of these years living with racist parents.

My advice for OP is to make a one-time statement that says you are not comfortable with that kind of talk, and that you will not tolerate your child being exposed to it. Tell them you can't change the way they feel but you ask them to respect the fact that you are not raising your daughter to speak or feel that way about anyone. If a comment is made in front of your kid, do not let it pass uncorrected, however uncomfortable it may be to speak up. It doesn't matter whether you or your husband take the lead on that -- whoever hears it should correct it, every time.

I've posted on this issue before, because I still struggle with my racist roots and how to come to terms with it. One thing I think is more important than the way we react to racism when we hear it is the friends and community we set up for our own families. My husband and I looked around our wedding once and realized we had only 2 or 3 black friends. We were embarrassed and started to examine why that was. It may sound phony baloney to some, but we intentionally cultivated friends of all different races after that. I am now proud to say that when our kids grow up, they won't be as vulnerable to other people's comments about black people because she will know many of them very well. They will be part of her life, part of our inner circle. Many people talk the talk on racism but don't have a diverse group of friends in real life. OP, you say you have a few close friends who are black, and I think this is going to be more important than what your in-laws say.

Good luck though, and sorry this was wayyyy too long.

BTW, not that this is really relevant to your story, but after all of these years, President Obama has actually touched my dad's heart. He voted proudly voted for him and put his bumper sticker on the back of his car. He called to tell me. It was an awkward conversation, but he told me "at first I was too concerned about the future of this country to put it in the hands of a black man, but then I heard him speak." (yes, I cringe at that statement) but I think this is a crack in the racist facade that has continued to widen and I pray it continues. Racism is sad for everyone, even the people who are racists.

[Anonymous]

South = Scary! Simple.

[Anonymous]

Moving story 12:25!
Hard situation, OP! Part of me would want to be polite. Part of me would want to confront.

One thing I noticed when I spent some time in the south was that there were people who assumed me being white meant I belonged to their little club and they could say things to me that northern whites might be thinking but would not say. That took me by surprise so it took awhile to figure out how to react to this new situation.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

South = Scary! Simple.

Now that is VERY helpful and really addresses the issue of stereotyping that lies at the root of racism. Thanks for contributing to the discussion!

[Anonymous]

I'm of the opinion that it's your husband's responsibility to handle his own parents, particularly if they are saying inappropriate things in front of the kids. Take this concern to him. THat relationship should be his to manage, and you have a MUCH better chance of making a difference if it comes from him. If it were your own parents, I'd say that you had to take it head on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm of the opinion that it's your husband's responsibility to handle his own parents, particularly if they are saying inappropriate things in front of the kids. Take this concern to him. THat relationship should be his to manage, and you have a MUCH better chance of making a difference if it comes from him. If it were your own parents, I'd say that you had to take it head on.

This is the poster with the racist father. I don't think I would agree with this. While maybe the one-time conversation with parents should be OP's husband's responsibility, (or a shared conversation) it sounds like these comments are recurring. When we visit our in-laws, I'm often with them alone. I think racist statements that are being made in front of one's child must be corrected immediately and, whether uncomfortable or not, mom will have to do it even with her in-laws. I know if my father made a comment in front of my child and I was not around, my husband would say something like easy with that or just address the kid and say something, whatever seems right at the time. My husband's parents are not racist at all, but if they said something goofy in front of our kids and it was something I felt strongly enough about, I'd probably gently correct at the time too. Again, this depends on what it is, but I think you don't want stuff being said in front of the kids. They wonder why you aren't more consistent in your beliefs if you don't say something immediately.