Looking for advice from older parents with teens
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Anonymous
| Hoping someone who has been through the teen years can weigh in. DS 15 is a good student, almost straight A at a big 3 private, not an athlete but involved in some groups after school. Other than that he spends weekends and evenings in his room , programming his computer and generally on phone listening to music (and some texting) I assume. He can be very chatty one day, sharing stories about other students and teachers, but quiet and withdrawn other days. Appetite is ok although he's skinny. Do I worry or just accept this as a teenage phase. He seems to sleep a lot and generally want to be alone. Our family life is ok. He has a younger sister he has nothing in common with (5 years difference in age) and while DH and I are not passionately in love we tolerate each other. I wonder if he's depressed and picks up in our unhappiness or is oblivious to that? I want so badly to see him succeed and go out into the world and I fear depression. Maybe because in a certain level I'm drepressed and I think he knows it or will "catch it". Guess I'm looking for positive affirmation that he'll be fine. This is just a teen phase. That sort of thing. |
Anonymous
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OP, FWIW, this sounds like a completely normal and dare I say healthy 15 year old to me.
He sees his friends in after school groups, right? I'm assuming he can also reach them via text or social media in a way that you may or may not be privy to. This isn't necessarily something to worry about; more reassurance that he's probably not as isolated as staying home alone can look to those of us who grew up before the digital natives were born. |
Anonymous
| Parent of high schoolers here. Sounds normal to me. |
Anonymous
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Depression is heritable, so I want to validate your concern, OP. However, there is nothing in what you describe that is a red flag for a teen. Perhaps you could institute some sort of weekly family time with a nature walk together or a board game you can all play? Just an hour on Sunday afternoons or something? Studies have shown that while children don't realize it in the moment, that sort of consistent family time fosters bonding, feelings of being appreciated and supported, and thus can stave off mood disorders (even more so when doing outdoor activities). My parents dragged me out every Sunday for a hike in the hills, and while I whined at the time, I now remember then fondly 
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Anonymous
| We're not that different than you, op. I've found in our family it helps when we have other adult interactions, which is generally more difficult for men that women. (I also have friends who have DHs that also need more interaction with other adults. The lack thereof contributes to that depressive feeling.) DC also likes interacting with our adult friends. Healthy reminders that there is life after teenage years. |
Anonymous
| Hang in there, op. I think these teen years are hard for all of us. I would recommend you encourage him to stay involved as much as possible in school activities. If he's not particularly sporty, can he do track or cross country? Having those interactions is critical, especially if the social life isn't always great. |
Anonymous
| He sound totally normal. I make my kids do something for their bodies and something for their brains on a regular basis. |
Anonymous
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It also sounds normal to me. That being said, I think parents often know when something is wrong and maybe you are having an instinctual thought that he is depressed, so I don't want to discount the possibly validity of that.
I do my best to engage my teenagers whenever I can. Often it is through food - I will make whatever they want to eat if they will help me, or I will randomly ask them to go out to Chipoltle or wherever they like to eat. The more bonds you can forge with your teen, the better. |
Anonymous
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I have a 16 and a 15 year old and this sounds completely normal.
(other than your child knows computer programming and mine spend their time watching TV and/or playing video games )
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Anonymous
| Thanks everyone. I feel better. We do have weekly dinners out for sushi which we enjoy as a family and he does do intramurals at school as part of a club. Sometimes I wish we could all enjoy a tv show or a movie as a family like I did I growing up. Personal screens and Netflix etc have isolated all of us. |
Anonymous
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sounds normal, and you better believe he is aware that all is not hunky dory between his parents (but that doesn't mean he's depressed).
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Anonymous
| Maybe you could find a Netflix series that you all will enjoy. If you and your husband start watching it together, he might join you. |
Anonymous
Maybe you could start a regular family movie/TV night. My kids are 12/14 and we've done this since they were in preschool but now the movies we can watch with them are much more fun. We each take turns picking what we'll watch and the movie picker gets to choose dinner for the night (usually pizza but occasionally something else). The kids complain occasionally, and we can't do it as consistently on Sat. night as when they were little, but it does happen every week. |
Anonymous
+1 Our DD, 15, looks forward to weekends when we can catch up together on certain series we all like. She's very into literature and drama and loves to talk about TV shows after seeing them, pulling apart the plots, speculating about character development, etc. It's a lot of fun to have these discussions with her. Also, OP, consider whether your son would be interested in finding an activity besides his intramural. If he likes programming his computer, he might love a programming class or a "build your own computer game" class. Community rec centers and other places offer things like this, and if he gets into one designed for his age group, he's going to meet other teens there who share this interest -- and shared interests (more than just "we go to the same school" or "we play on the same team") are great building blocks for possible friendships. Let him have at it with course catalogs for some programming classes. Look for ones that are short-term -- eight- or 10-week sessions, not a huge commitment. Or if he has other interests, tell him you'll pay if he wants to do a weekend workshop or class in interest X. Do not tell him, "Do this so you get some friends and get out more." That will be a total turn-off for a teen. Just dangle the offer of letting him choose a programming class (or other activity) himself. And if he says no, that's fine -- some kids need a lot of down time. |
Anonymous
| I dont hear anything all that bad. You're probably fine. Sounds like a decent kid. |