Help! 7th grader refuses to to do HW

[Anonymous]

Our 7th grader has recently stopped putting any efforts into homework and school in general. Things either get done in a hurry and sloppy or not done at all. Amazingly the grades remained ok but now are really dropping off to low C's. He says C's are fine. We try explaining that C's are fine if you are putting forth your best effort and maybe don't understand something but not fine due to laziness.
He says he doesn't care about school and plans to drop out of high school.
We try to help and review things with him but he declines help and says we are stupid and don't know anything. We review Edline and remind him when assignments are due or tests are upcoming but he ignores us.
He had a project due on Tuesday and when we asked to see it we provided comments that he needed some corrections. He said it was fine and then didn't even bother to take it to school the next day.
Prior to taking away his phone we caught him receiving texts from friends with pictures of homework assignments.

We have taken away everything: phone, tv, computer, xbox, sports, going out with friends. Nothing is working.

We have reached out to the school and they have not offered any suggestions.

Beyond frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Hi, Op

First, I wouldn't worry about seventh grade. But, I would be concerned that something is going on and that why it appears that your DC doesn't care. Sometimes when a kid is bright,, but disorganized he can get along until middle school where it gets tougher and you need to be organized. Perhaps he has a learning problem or executive functioning or ADHD ( inattentive) and he decides to give up to protect his feelings. I know this because I was this way. I thought I was dumb and then if I didn't study it was because I didn't care. When I did poorly it confirmed ( to me) that I was dumb! Rinse and repeat...

So, if I were you I would find out if he did have any learning problems and then go from there. Ultimately, you can't make someone care about their work but, you can say and show life is very difficult for students who do not graduate high school at the minimum.

Maybe if he learns he isn't stupid he will want to try again..which is what you want.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like anxiety or maybe he's overwhelmed about life right now?

I would: Contact the school counselor and have him talk to someone in the school. Arrange for him to stay after school to do his homework. Also, think about getting him a tutor for once a week to teach him the executive skills to plan out his work. You're going to have to outsource this--tutoring your own kid does not work.When kids hit roadblocks like this, and it is normal and happens all the time, we need to take a step back, tell them we love them. He is not a failure, he's not dropping out of high school. It's a tough time and you all will get through it.

I wish you all the luck in the world--teens are sometimes like toddlers in how they dig in and be are so, so defiant. You don't want it to turn into a self destructive pattern. You'll get through it!!

[Anonymous]

There are some red flags for depression there. Doesn't care, wants to drop out of high school, laziness, avoidance.

I would second having him talk to the counselor at school--they are good at screening for issues and can set him up with a schedule to stay after school and get work done. It's better if you don't have to do 100% of the nagging yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some red flags for depression there. Doesn't care, wants to drop out of high school, laziness, avoidance.

I would second having him talk to the counselor at school--they are good at screening for issues and can set him up with a schedule to stay after school and get work done. It's better if you don't have to do 100% of the nagging yourself!

I posted above and agree with both posters. I have a son with ADHD and we have run into these road blocks for learning issues, anxiety and depression. Also, if a kid prone to serious depression, they can often have the first events in their teen years.

When you talk to the counselor, see if he can get a temporary reduced homework load as you sort this out with the school, your kid and his doctor. It's going probably going to take a while to get him back to where he needs to be.

[Anonymous]

Ask him what he wants to do. He says he intends to drop out of HS. Ok, is he just waiting to get old enough? What's his plan? Don't be judgemental, listen to him. I agree with others that there's a good chance something is going on, but he needs to believe you're on his side if you're going to get this sorted out. Start with where he is.

[Anonymous]

ugh. so sorry. this sounds horrible. maybe follow up the discussion about his plans to be a high school drop out...what does he plan to do then? assuming he plans to work to support himself, toward that end, you might help him find a "job" on the weekends, whether it's a real job or significant volunteering. obviously he's in 7th grade and not thinking through all this, but once he feels what it's like to work all day in a job, he should appreciate school more. also in a calm way (easy to say), it would be important to let him know that he would need to support himself once he drops out.

[Anonymous]

OP here. He's been to a psychiatrist and is taking some medication to "help take the edge off". She has ruled out depression. He has also seeing a therapist weekly when we can get him to go.
We have incidents on severe defiance which some times result in him getting physical. Lately, it has just been the verbal abuse and nasty words when we try to talk to him.
We keep telling him to come back when he is ready to talk like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He's been to a psychiatrist and is taking some medication to "help take the edge off". She has ruled out depression. He has also seeing a therapist weekly when we can get him to go.
We have incidents on severe defiance which some times result in him getting physical. Lately, it has just been the verbal abuse and nasty words when we try to talk to him.
We keep telling him to come back when he is ready to talk like an adult.

I'm so sorry. This sounds incredibly difficult and homework is the least of your worries. So, you need to visit he psychiatrist because he may be having an adverse reaction to medication she prescribed. She needs to tell you more than "something" to take the edge off. If he doesn't like his therapist then switch. immediately. Maybe he would prefer a guy?

I would have someone start the discussion with about whether he's thinking about self harm or suicide--yes--bring it up because he sounds incredibly unhappy and unstable.

You may want to start looking at alternative schools for him to have a smaller place where he can set his own pace.

[Anonymous]

Are you in DC or MD? I can give referrals for Dr's and tutors.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We are in MD.
Our current therapist is a male after initially starting with a female. They seem to connect. It's only when he's not getting his way with something.
He is currently taking Intuniv, which initially seemed to help reduce and shorten hist outbursts. It does also seem to make him tired.

[Anonymous]

Find some serious physical labor for him to do after school. Building a garden wall out of stone or digging irrigation channel in yard or just weeding. Supervise this or pay someone else to do so. Keep it going until he's dog tired. Repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find some serious physical labor for him to do after school. Building a garden wall out of stone or digging irrigation channel in yard or just weeding. Supervise this or pay someone else to do so. Keep it going until he's dog tired. Repeat.

There is no possible way to get him to do anything he doesn't want to do. Last night he was told to take out the trash. He dropped the recycle bin spilling bottles and cans all over the street. He just left it and refused to go clean it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are in MD.
Our current therapist is a male after initially starting with a female. They seem to connect. It's only when he's not getting his way with something.
He is currently taking Intuniv, which initially seemed to help reduce and shorten hist outbursts. It does also seem to make him tired.

My son is also on 2 mg of intuniv for anxiety, gwhich he takes before bed because it makes him tired. He takes OTC melotinin to get to sleep. Sleep is really important for these kids. And he's takes a focalin extended release 15 mg. For ADHD/ combination.
He does weekly tutoring at bethesda library with a brilliant teacher who has helped him gain back his confidence in school. We also have some crazy battles over homework and it's escalated in middle school. You are not alone. But I think this is a cry for help. He's a kid, not an adult, and they're are wired completely differently. I'm willing to bet he's very smart if he's been able to keep up his grades
Despite everything that's going on with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find some serious physical labor for him to do after school. Building a garden wall out of stone or digging irrigation channel in yard or just weeding. Supervise this or pay someone else to do so. Keep it going until he's dog tired. Repeat.

Absolutely not.