Help! My normally sweet 7 yr old is pushing me off the edge
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Anonymous
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My 7 year old son, has always been sweet, caring, full of generosity and I love you's, but when he is bad, he is bad. Now that he's older thats turning into some back talk, which we are addressing, but the thing that makes me CRAZY is that he will be 90% ready for school (or anywhere), everyone is happy, and then he will refuse to put on his shoes, coat, or whatever it is that cannot really be done until the last minute. It makes us all late and ultimately all unhappy. My husband and I are late for work, my son is late for school...everything and I can't take it. I am yelling and flat out loosing my shit too, which is of course the opposite of what I'm supposed to do, but when he is just standing there, watching me, knowing that he is impacting my day and doesn't care I can't take it. Any ideas on how to help him and how to help myself not be a crazy, screaming person in these moments?
Thank you (and yes, this happened this morning, so my apologies for the emotional post!) |
Anonymous
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At this age, you can still physically maneuver him, can you?
Don't lose your temper. Just prod him along. Find easy shoes he can slip on and off. And bring him to the shoes. Coat you can just leave it off in the car. If this is all there is, I don't see why this will cause you all be late. |
Anonymous
7 YO DD suffers from a milder case of the same affliction. We use the clock. "Shoes and coat on by 8:15", or "ready for piano at 5:45". If she's ready at the appointed time, we praise and sometimes reward. If she's not, then there's a minor consequence like loss of 10 minutes of screen time. Has improved things dramatically. |
Anonymous
| Pick up the shoes, say, "I'm taking these to the car, you can put them on in the car. I'm leaving now, so if you want to come with you, you'd better get in the car this minute." |
Anonymous
| Thanks, and I can 'force' him, although its not easy. His go-to shoes are velcro and the coat is by the door. He just refuses, runs to play with a toy, stands there and looks at me, etc. Its intentional and it not only feels so rude but it makes me angry and it definitely makes us late. My reaction needs work for sure but I feel like we are doing what we are supposed to, my son included, until its time to go and then there's the refusal to move and to do anything to get out of the door. He likes school and most of the places that we go, so thats not the issue.....ugh. |
Anonymous
| And 9:37, thanks, a set time could work for him, I will try that. We do this with other things with success, so its worth a shot. |
Anonymous
I think you have unintentionally make this into a game with him. He thinks it is fun that he can get a rise from you. You need to cool it. For the next week or so, get up 10 minutes earlier to prepare for this so that you won't be angry about being late. And just not make it a big deal for a while. He may lose interests in this particular form of rebellion. |
Anonymous
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At 7, a postive reinforcement system will likely work.
But you need to make it all very mechanical and clear, and you need to practice a few times before hand so he's more likely to be motivated and get with the program. Here's one idea: Put a row of Post-its on the door showing the time line. 7:20 - Breakfast 7:45 - Put on shoes and coat 7:50 - Leave for school Put a digital clock in there by the door, if possible, so he can see the numbers clearly. (Even if he can tell time with a regular clock, this will be so much easier!) Right next to the post-its on the door, put up a chart with spots for stickers for each day he hits the goals. Let HIM pick a prize or reward for each time he gets five stickers. (Subject to your approval, of course. Nothing insane. But it'll be more motivating if he picks the reward.) PRACTICE how it will work a few times before hand, when it's not actually morning crazy time. Like after dinner one night. Literally put on your coats and shoes and get out the door. Make it fun and silly. Really ham it up as he pretends to do it "right" and then do the same by pretending to give him a sticker. Have fun with it and let him feel what it's like to have a good experience getting out the door on time. Starting the next morning, if he gets a sticker, great. If not, no yelling. Just tell him how disappointing -- he missed it and will have to wait longer to get [PRIZE]. But tomorrow's another day. I know you can do it! (For more on this approach, see Alan Kazdin's book, Parenting the Defiant Child. It's awesome for ALL children. Not just those who somehow have gotten labeled as "defiant": http://alankazdin.com/the-kazdin-method-for-parenting-the-defiant-child-with-no-pills-no-therapy-no-contest-of-wills/) |
Anonymous
What is his currency? Currently, my children's currency is an earlier bed time. The threat of moving bed time up a half hour is magic (they are 5 and 7). |
Anonymous
Give him an instruction once and only once. If he does not comply there's a consequence. Earlier bedtime and tell him he's obviously too tired to get ready in time each morning. Earlier bedtime means no time for any media privileges, etc. What worked for me was calmly saying things once and carrying out the consequence that evening without letting her reaction guide me. Tantrum at early bedtime but calmly disengaged and put her to bed. If he makes you and DH late he pays back the time over the weekend. Instead of playing etc. he helps with your chores. |
Anonymous
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I totally agree that you need to not let it get to you. Give him a consequence (my kids lose all screen time if they ignore the departure timer and miss the bus). Then get into the car when you are ready. He can stand in the house and not put his shoes on, but you won't be there to glower at him and it won't be as satisfying.
Stay calm, stay matter of fact and remember the consequence!! |
Anonymous
| Similar issues with my 7yo DS. Definitely becoming very defiant lately. He would rather read than have screen time, so that's not a very effective consequence for us. I was so frustrated last week, that I start a check system. If he doesn't follow an instruction the first time it's given, he gets a check. 3 checks and he has early bedtime Friday and no family movie night. He REALLY cares about that, so it's kind of working... but not sure how to enforce following instructions the rest of the week if he loses Friday movie night on a Tuesday for example. I do like PPs approach of more of an incentive chart for rewarding good behavior rather than punishing for bad behavior. |
Anonymous
To clarify, 3 checks in one day to lose Friday reward. |
Anonymous
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Op,
Have you thought of getting him up earlier so that he has more time to get it together? If it is a matter of shoes have him wear his slippers to the car and he can put his shoes while driving? Is there something going on in school that makes him not want to go? |
Anonymous
Not sure if you want to switch it around, but kazdin method might reverse it, meaning you get a check for compliance and earn the family movie night instead of losing it. Like get five checks, one for each day, and then you get the movie. Do something above and beyond and you get an extra check for popcorn or something. Actually scratch that, I don't like food rewards, but maybe a movie plus family dance game or something. |